I talked to J. about her mother. She is wondering what she could have done to prevent the suicide. I am sorry that she is feeling so responsible for something that was beyond her control. I had a lot of "what if" thoughts after my father died suddenly. A suicide is different though. The long term effects of such a devastating tragedy are hard to know.
I appreciate your comments and thoughts. I have not lived through such a tragedy. My frame of reference is limited. We will do what we can to help her out.
And even I wonder whether a person who is in so much pain would not benefit from a day like today on the water. Nature is healing. I discovered a few years ago that there are places to go that can help heal whatever wounds have occurred. My spirit is content, my being peaceful.
I have often pondered the fact that the artists and slightly eccentric (to be kind) are so attracted to water-bordering places to live. I mean- just look at the colors people paint their beach houses! And I have come to the conclusion that being by the water is a form of calming therapy for those whose souls are not what we would call at peace.
ReplyDeleteI say this as one who is very much planning on living by the water in the near future...
And. The trees and woods that surround my house where I live now are where whatever sanity I have comes from.
You are very correct.
i feel for her...so many unanswered questions to a suicide...glad you get those days on on th water...i know they are peaceful...
ReplyDeleteI have always believed that there is great therapeutic value in salt water. I miss the ocean.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are well, Syd. And I am so sorry about the recent tragedy. I can't even imagine.
J.'s lucky to have u. Peace
ReplyDeleteLike Isak Dinesen, I believe that the cure for anything is salt water - tears, sweat, or the sea. Of course there is healing from pain in the sea. The saddest thing about suicide is that it's such a permanent solution to what is, like every problem, a temporary one. This I know well, and must always bear in mind.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, my beach house is bright yellow. :)
-invisigal
Yellow is a happy color. There are solutions to every problem if one has enough sense to see through the fog and realize that.
DeleteI believe in the healing power of nature also. It can be hard to find time to immerse oneself in that environment, but well worth it. I also believe that time helps us gain perspective. I hope J. can grieve and eventually come to a point of acceptance, where there is less pain and the good memories can surface.
ReplyDeleteI live near the ocean myself and try to walk it weekly. It is cold here though not balmy in any way but I love the infinite space, the sounds of the waves, and the animals that live along the edge.
ReplyDeleteIt takes me out of my troubles and into the moment to be in nature.
I am looking forward to a bit of cold here.
DeleteI believe the water, the ocean, can heal.
ReplyDeleteIt's a peaceful place with such scope, somehow feeling so small in such a vast expanse of peace... well it is soul-soothing :)
Enjoy the day!
Yes, it is peaceful, Jess. I long for it when I am not there.
DeleteThis has not been a kind change brought by this millennium. People seem to take an out without much thought for the innocent left behind. I've been in your unenviable position of offering comfort to the victims of suicide more times than I ever wanted. The dead were friends of mine too. Maybe a year from now, maybe ten, maybe never, a cruise would help but J will still have to work her own emotion out, as well as she is able. She will come to conclusions right or wrong and apportion responsibility as she will. Most likely taking most of the burden on herself.
ReplyDeleteAll you can do or anyone who cares, Syd, is pick up the phone when she calls. If I had one thing, one sentence to say to this young woman it would be "your mother was not running away from you."
Thank you, Mark. I like what you wrote about "your mother was not running away from you."
DeleteI totally agree Syd, my recent depression on my return from Wales was a sort of pining for the sea, the rivers, waterfalls and streams. My soul needs them.
ReplyDeleteMy Brother killed himself. I think it leaves everyone asking themselves if they could have helped in some way that might have prevented it happening . . . Many questions and no answers.
Being in nature is so cleansing. I am glad to have so much water around me.
DeleteRight now, perhaps the most important thing for J in her devastation is to feel heard and loved. Later I'm sure special restful places will help her come to terms with the senselessness. You area thoughtful and caring friend Syd.
ReplyDeleteI hope so, Mary. It is something that I don't think anyone can really fully understand.
Deleteah yes the guilt. yes very common. normal. one has to come to terms with these seemingly unfinished aspects of reality.. the work undone.. and ask ourselves "What is this teaching me?" "Everything is teaching us" as ajhan chah says. I suppose I am more concerned with the recently disembodied person and their journey in the immediate aftermath of a death. Once that has been attended to do I engage more fully with my own process. Life is full of these unfinished relationships. Things we haven't attended to. What is it all teaching us? Can we fearlessly ask ourselves this question without giving in heedlessly to our habitual tendencies? Not easy. So much social programming.. not much of it helpful. I do feel responsible. But I know my powelessness too. I offer help anyway. This predicament seems soooo obvious to us aa's and al anons in the trenches.. but it just never occurs to ppl who haven't been through this rock bottom awakening.. I see alcoholism and suffering everywhere. I also see a sort of magic and transformation everywhere. This insight comes with a price. I had to be in a lot of pain before I looked inward and did service to lighten the load. Perhaps this situation is the catalyst for an awakening of sorts for J. Who knows.
ReplyDeleteWe are the lucky recipients of the message in the you tube video called 'Get Service" I can forget how lucky I am to have learned this lesson. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE
I hope J finds a path forward soon.. And I hope her siblings are not too much of a handful as there are many opportunities to disagree on procedure when somebody dies..
Grieving and feeling the pain in our own way is something valuable and maybe will keep a person from stuffing feelings so much that self-harm doesn't occur. I appreciate your thoughts and comments as always.
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