Monday, October 15, 2012

Let's talk about anger

I spent a few beautiful days on the boat.  Fall mornings are cool with wonderfully warm afternoons.  It was a good time to walk, take photos, read and  relax.  

It looks as if the men's meeting is going to go forward.  We will get together every couple of weeks, read some recovery literature and talk about what we have read.  The next meeting is going to be on the boat.  After the meeting hour, we will have time to socialize and have a cup of coffee or tea and some snacks.  I think having this meeting is going to be fun.  The idea is to have a small group of fellows who can open up to each other, have a flexible meeting format (i.e. not worry about cross-talk), and forge some closer ties. 

Our first book is going to be on anger. That's something that I think each of us has experienced and will benefit from discussing.  I have evolved in recovery to the point that I don't lash out in anger.  I have learned about restraint of tongue (and pen).  Yet, there are still times that I can feel the angry retort on the tip of my tongue.  And those situations are usually when I perceive an injustice, lack of respect, or just plain selfishness in another.  

I have read that reactivity is a mindless, thoughtless reflex and involves the least evolved, most primitive parts of the human brain. Restraint on the other hand is equated with thoughtful, conscious self-control and indicates better ego functioning. All very true. But there are moments when the primitive parts of myself are fighting with the more civilized me. It would be so easy to let the beast within win.

I have not been a demonstrative rager.  I wasn't a dish thrower, a verbal abuser, or a trafficker in sarcasm. Instead, I tried to be reasonable and be the placater.  And when that didn't work,  I would opt to be the wounded victim, the self-righteous martyr. Rather than confront a situation directly, I would give the silent treatment to my wife. And all the while inside I was fuming, angry at her and at myself most of all. 

I don't do much self-righteous fuming now.  I speak up when something bothers me. I think about what is going on, what I feel, look at what my role is, and make a decision whether it is important enough to discuss.  Often times if I have a "cooling off" period and detach from the situation, I decide that the affront wasn't really about me.  

If I do decide to speak up about something, then the approach that I now use is to be direct and say what is bothering me: e.g. "I am uncomfortable about....". I like a reasonable dialogue rather than blowing someone away with anger. It is less messy and isn't tinged with regret later. Once out of my mouth,  I've found that the indignant rage will deflate me faster than a pin stuck in a balloon. I feel blown apart from my own anger. 

There are lots of triggers that can sabotage self-restraint when it comes to personal relationships.  I strive for balance and awareness. Hopefully, those are taking me on the higher road to kindness. 



29 comments:

  1. great last pic man...i can get pretty frustrated at times...i used to tend to hold it when i am not dilligent with it...i def try to talk it out as quick as i can so it does not fester...

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    1. Repressed feelings are definitely not good for me. Then stuff will boil over. That last pic is the essence of peace.

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  2. I so needed to hear this today Syd. Thank you for posting.

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  3. Loved this. Exactly what I needed. Your men's group sound awesome! I wanted to start a women's meeting and we would use a Melody Beattie book thats focus was on the 11th step. NOT an Alanon meeting...this motivates me to go back to that idea.

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    1. I think that it's good to have different books other than CAL to read. And I go to several Al-Anon meetings each week where the CAL literature is used. The men's group will focus on recovery but will have a more flexible format than an Al-Anon meeting. I like the idea!

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  4. Anger is so self destructive and the roughest way to learn the lesson is through reflection. My anger always translated itself into hurling a barrage of words at the offender. I was sharp with the tongue without any realization the power words have. There is such a thing as psychological battery.

    I don't get physical at least with another person. One time when I was especially angry after going downstairs to my woodworking shop to find many tools missing. I was charging upstairs to vent my anger about my son and his damn addiction. I a fit of anger I slammed my fist into the wall in the stairway in the basement. Luckily I did not hit a wall stud but I did leave a hole in the sheetrock. Truthfully I could fix that hole in less than an hour but I choose to leave that hole in the wall as a reminder to myself. That level of anger has no place in my world. It works.

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    1. LOL on the sheet rock. I have not been a thrower or puncher. But have definitely felt like doing something drastic when anger has boiled up inside. Most of the drastic stuff would be directed against myself. Not any more as I have a much better understanding of what I am feeling and what to do about it.

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  5. And sometimes, for me, anger is a cover for fear. It is really good for me to try and stop and consider this- am I really angry or am I actually horribly fearful?
    And then I can direct my words and sometimes what I need to do is to ask for help instead of lashing out. Which is so much harder for some reason.

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    1. I think that fear is at the root of so much--that reptile brain coming into play. I don't like to lash out but also know that ignorance makes me lose patience. It is something that I have to work on each day.

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  6. I identify.
    I'm still really bad about standing up and speaking when I get angry or upset. But, at the same time, I have learned about restraint. There must be a fine line there.

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    1. Restraint is an awesome thing. And the line is a fine one for sure.

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  7. And yet another retirement adventure! The luxury of getting together with like minded people, while growing and learning. Good for you, Syd.

    I always felt like I had to be nice, polite, compromising--even if it made me uncomfortable. My lesson has been to realize some actions should make me angry, and I should speak up about it.

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    1. Yes, the retirement adventures continue. I am having way too much fun to work hard.

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  8. Thanks for the post about Anger. I felt angry today and left a situation where I was getting ready to blow up. A fellow at the center I attend (name withheld) decided to yield his power. It was all I could do to not tell him off to his face about his conduct. Leaving the room before hand was restraint of tongue on my part. His conduct is not one we should promote at our center. I think how I will react to this situation is something I will have to sit with for a while.
    1. I am powerless over people places and things

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    1. Sometimes, it is good to speak up and for me to say that I am uncomfortable about something that is happening. I know that I can't control others but I also don't want to accept unacceptable behavior. I like the slogan THINK--is what I'm going to say thoughful, honest, intelligent, necessary, and kind.

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  9. Syd,
    Thanks for this blog in general and for this post in particular. I have a temper that scares me, and I used to suppress and internalize it, the childishness in me thinking I was punishing the other when I was really only hurting myself. Al-anon and other experiences have taught me that thinking and waiting will rarely hurt; whereas, reacting is almost always wrong. The fight or flight (amygdala) circuit in the brain is actually faster that the route to the temporal lobe, so there are good scientific reasons for waiting out the first reaction, unless one is in physical danger.

    Anyway, I needed to read this today, and I check your blog space daily. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope in this blog.
    peace,
    Kathy

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    1. Thanks, Kathy, for visiting. I have had to practice a lot of restraint lately regarding the renovation of the kitchen. But I definitely speak up about what I don't like. It is just that I don't need to say it in anger.

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  10. Love the photos. I've been gathering with a group of women each month to do this and it is wonderful. We read a book and gather to share some food and talk about what the reading provided for us, how we felt and what it brought up.

    I like it.

    There was a group of AAers who gathered and started to really delve deep in this kind of idea, they came up with a model "steel on steel" which was an interesting format for a group of men meeting with purpose and the commitment to be uber real with each other. I wonder if they started with the same kind of idea? :D Not sure ours gets that 'organized' but it's nice to have something more intimate isn't it?

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    1. I hope that the meeting will be good. It's just five of us for now. A group of us who have formed a bond in meetings and who are willing to go deep into our feelings and thoughts.

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  11. I read what you wrote and thought about what a great amount of time I spent using anger as both sword and shield. Rarely at home but at work...man I could just let it out, no supervisor or foreman was safe from rage and I always was willing to take the consequences of it. (ie suspended 80 days no pay over 9 years) but every single time i came back from suspension they changed. Not me.

    I believe anger is not to be dissected anymore than love is, you just are. anger is a human emotion as legitimate as peace. The key for me has always been to know what emotion belongs in what situation, or better said not jumping the gun, knowing th fullness of the situation before pulling the trigger on the proper response.

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    1. You are so right, Mark. Anger is just a part of us. And it has its usefulness. But the delivery is what has changed for me. And what you write about the situation--that is definitely a consideration.

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  12. Anger is one of the toughest things for me to deal with in my recovery process. Like you, I'm a silent fumer, but when pushed over some invisible line, I explode and that inevitably results in saying things I deeply regret later. One of the things that helped me early on was a book (not CAF) by the Dalai Lama called "Healing Anger". It gave me a new perspective on the subject, one which allowed me to start working on me instead of the others around me. Thanks for your post.

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    1. Yes, the silent fumer and then the explosion. I was also the punisher with my silence. I now speak up when something bothers me but in a much more measured way. I have no desire to blow someone away with anger.

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  13. I was thinking about you for some reason while I was having coffee this morning. I felt the need to pop over and see what you are up to. This a good solid and wise post, Syd. I am struggling with anger today myself. Actually, I have been struggling with anger a lot lately. It is surely a strong and potentially very destructive emotion.

    Love you, buddy. Keep on keeping on.

    SB

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    1. Glad that you stopped by. And glad that you are posting again. Hope all is going well, SB. Love you too.

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  14. I worked in anger in therapy for ages Syd -- and will always have to work on it. The thing about anger is that it is uncomfortable and uncontrollable. Sometimes it is very positive -- the force that pushes me to say what bothers me. Other times it masks fear or hurt, as Ms Moon pointed out. And anger about social injustice has been such a positive energy pushing me to fight for change.


    But then there is anger turned against the self, judgmental anger, lack of forgiveness, holding onto grudges, wanting to rage for no reason -- so hard to understand or live with.

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    1. I was strong on the anger against self and the judgmental anger. I still have a lot of the latter because of social injustice and the election coming up. I have little patience with those that I perceive as ignorant which is obviously an attitude of judging. Difficult for me to not justify that anger when I read all the outlandish stuff being written and said.

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  15. Hi Syd, thanks for this entry. The anger issue is a hard one for me. I didnt realize that I actually had anger until I started to be honest about my true feelings. I took the victim-martyr role without even being aware until I started to read more literature and really look at myself. I think what's difficult for me is that I feel that my anger is justified. I feel like my qualifiers have caused me so much pain - especially as a child and I felt so helpless. So my anger was the only power I felt I had - even if I didnt do anything with it. It still felt powerful to be angry. Now of course as an adult I still harbor this anger. I also have a lot of anger toward my mom who is an enabler; feeling like she has chosen to be more supportive and loving toward the alcoholics than me. I have to move on from feeling like a victim and work on these anger issues. I know I have to work the program and make a commitment to myself. Thanks for reminder.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.