The men's meeting was held Wednesday on the boat. We didn't get but 2 pages read because each of us had a lot to share. But they concurred that sitting on a sailing yacht on a brilliant fall day was completely awesome. We shared about intimacy in relationships and how it is hard to maintain over the long haul because it morphs into something different.
"It is only in long-term relationships that we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both...." (Lerner, 1989).
Two of the men are divorced and not married now. Both, who are recovering alcoholics, are struggling with intimacy in new relationships. Three of us have been married to the same person for at least a couple of decades. We struggle with how to keep the intimacy present in our relationships that have been affected by alcoholism. And I know just how difficult it is to not sacrifice myself for another or resent them for their emotional absence.
"An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way." (Lerner, 1989). Learning how to achieve such balance is not easy. It requires honesty and courage to be together without overpowering or suppressing another. It also means awareness when apathy begins to creep in. And so we are exploring the application of recovery principles in our most intimate relationships.
And isn't love really at the root of being with another person? I don't think that I realized at the onset of my relationship with my wife that I was really seeking a best friend. Now I know that besides the physical attraction and intelligence, I was seeking someone who would be my life partner regardless. But the give and take, the expectations, and eventual disappointments can cause a lot of damage. I didn't have the self-awareness or communication skills to cope with the problems that ensured. And I didn't have knowledge of the 12 steps to deal with alcoholism.
But togetherness feels much less confining than it was in years past. We know that we are life partners. I'm hoping that by meeting with several other men, we will learn from each other about how to make the life partnership happen and get better.
i wonder how many really think like this...and perhaps that is why so many relationships end in divorce....
ReplyDeleteI don't know either. But divorce was really not what I wanted. I simply wanted to get away from alcoholism.
DeleteWell said, Syd. Intimacy is a difficult topic to explore both in one-on-one relationships and in group recovery discussions. Togetherness and true partnership seem less mystical now that I am deep into my own recovery and am beginning to understand intimacy isn't what happens in a cheap, pop-culture "romance" novel.
ReplyDeleteI did not know how to have a relationship. I simply didn't have the skills necessary. I'm glad to have learned something in recent years.
DeleteLovely post, Syd. I think a lot of people lose their way from what brought them together. Or some never achieve what they hoped to seek as a couple. I know I'm floundering a lot in my marriage, trying to understand myself and myself in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteYour post is a good reminder of what I probably seek underneath it all -- intimacy. I don't know that I've yet become open enough to it or if I even think it's safe to do so with my husband. But it's a starting point of inquiry. So, thanks for that.
It is about learning how to have a relationship without a lot of expectations. Intimacy is based on trust. I had forgotten how to trust.
DeleteI love your new meeting...and I so wish we had something similar here.
ReplyDelete"It is only in long-term relationships that we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both...." (Lerner, 1989).
YES! I know that my husband and I both feel so much more freedom to be our own separate people, to pursue our own interests....and then come together and share the parts of our lives that we love to share with each other. I was just telling someone who is struggling in her marriage of 16 years...."I can only tell you that I am so glad that I stuck it out through the hard times." If you can walk through the process and all that that includes and make it through to the other side, I think you enter into a whole new dimension of intimacy and comfortableness and trust. Anyway....just my ramblings on being in an "old" marriage. lol
I have found that it is essential for me to have some separateness. I thought that I was supposed to be present for it all but that was smothering her and me. Now I relish my time to just be me on my own. And it makes being together even better.
DeleteHoping you are safe through the storm.
ReplyDeleteWe did well--a lot of rain and wind but nothing dramatic. Thanks for your thoughts.
DeleteI am an alcoholic and I am interested in your Al-Anon wisdom. I've been here before but this time I'm going to subscribe. So happy I found you again.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who is in Al-Anon who is angry at God and asks 'why' a lot. I'm just not prone to that. I've been trying to understand her struggle and the google search landed me here. So glad it did.
Thank you for being here and listening.
I don't ask "why" because I realize that I can't possibly understand or achieve the answer. I do trust in a power greater than me. I realize that I don't need to ask why because the retort that comes to mind is "why not". Thanks for visiting here.
DeleteThey're talking about what you call a tropical storm hitting New York with full category 5 ferocity (well they never mentioned a category but that is how they're making it sound: as full on as it gets) see it's all my fault for saying S Carolina isn't that the land of hurricanes the other day. I hope you don't get blown away. I once saw home video and the HOWLING it was terrifying and fingers of rain reaching in through gaps in the sill... ukh....
ReplyDeleteWe have had some storms here, like Hugo, that were bad. But more storms seem to hit North Carolina because it sticks out so far into the Atlantic. Thanks for writing and caring, Gleds.
DeleteMs S
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you during the storm. hoping that humans, dog and boat are ok.
Your post makes me think about possibly starting a women's group cross-listed for AA and Al-Anon and focusing on intimacy. One of the absolute best meetings I ever attended in my life was an Al-Anon meeting at the Caron treatment facility in midtown Manhattan. The focus of the meeting was intimacy, and people shared about their relationships in ways I've never heard anywhere else in any recovery setting. It made me cry with relief. ...
DeleteI'm in an 18-year marriage with someone I've been with for 23 years. I met him when I was 24. I can see now I was just a kid, while he was 41. I was thinking while walking the dog in the pre-hurricane rain today that I've had a habit of blaming him for threatening me when I told him at age 26 and 27 that I wanted to see other people. He'd get very very angry, and because I was so young and he was so much older than I, and established in his career, etc., I trusted his voice over my own. This continued for almost a quarter century. It has taken me several years into my recovery from addiction to write inventory about this relationship and begin to unpack this very heavy trunk I've been hauling around for 2.5 decades. It frightens me so much to be honest about how I feel that I've been physically ill most of this year.
Thanks, as always, for your generous honesty and big heart. /G
Thanks, G. I think that it does require a lot of honesty in relationships. I believe in that fearless inventory of ourselves. It may be difficult but ultimately it feels so good to stop carrying around the baggage.
DeleteI hope that you and C are hunkered down with your animals somewhere safe, away away from the terrifying, yet benign sounding, Hurricane Sandy. Keep safe, with my thoughts and prayers from the UK.
ReplyDeleteWe are well south of the storm and doing well. This has been an usual storm for sure.
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