Friday, May 17, 2013

Worn out

I am on my way to New York on business. I'm not enthusiastic about the trip. It's been a busy week, tiring in many ways. I would rather be home or spending the weekend on the boat rather than hassling with airports. 

The garden is doing well. We are still enjoying fresh strawberries. The blueberries are beginning to ripen. The flowers are happily blooming.

My wife has been sad lately. This appears to be some of her depression returning. She holds so much inside. Today, she has an appointment with her doctor to talk about what she is feeling. I know there is a lot of stress with settling her mom 's estate, getting the house painted and ready to sell, and going about her usual work. I want to help, but she doesn't seem to want help.

I have said before that being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be lonely. Helping each other and talking out problems are what I like to do. She seems unhappy and anxious. Yesterday, she was in tears because two birthday cards arrived for her mother from some old friends who didn't know her mom had died. And we both miss her a lot so there is the grief to deal with too.

I don't have much else. I am doing the best I can to stay positive, but somedays, I feel worn out.


  1. And if you didn't, you wouldn't be human.

  2. Sorry things are sad for you and your wife. Grief takes a long time and for me it was different than the depression I suffered. It felt purposeful and I knew it would end. I felt I was really honoring the loss of my relationship.

    I have felt lonely in both alcoholic and non-alcoholic relationships so maybe it doesn't matter. I always dreamed that I would find someone willing to be open about feelings. Now I think maybe it is because I am not that open with mine.

    Have a safe trip.

  3. Its all such a process....for all of us. Let her walk through her process. Its all you can do really. Give her the dignity to figure it out. She knows you are close and that you love her. I know I shouldn't give advice. And I am sure you know all of this. lol But I am going to hit send anyway....
    PS: I am staying in a "grand" hotel right now and all I can think about is that I wish I was home in my mountains. There is truly no place like home.

  4. I know the the feeling,hang in there Brother!

  5. Hi Syd,

    Just reading your blog today saddens me. But, you have this trip that you are obliged to make - and you are too tired to remember one of Al-Anon's euphemisms: 'When I got busy, I got better.' This is a friendly reminder to help you also remember that it is NOT the destination that is so adventuresome, but it is the journey of happy anticipation.

    I love traveling - of just about any sort - and though you have traveled for many years throughout your professional career - perhaps it has lost a bit of the 'journey aspect' and the destination for you is a potential disappointment (or drag).

    I hope that you can perk up and enjoy the beautiful trip from your home to the big city, and look forward to your return home. Surely spring is springing all along the way, if daffodils are blooming.

    MUch love, and be safe.
    Anonymous #1

    P.S. Had to mention daffodils; have not seen any in the yards anywhere here on the West Coast; they are my favorite flowers! xxoo

    1. Just talked to C. and she is feeling better after her doctor's appointment. I feel relieved. I don't like to leave her when she is sad.

  6. New York on business! How glamorous.

    I am glad C is feeling better after her appointment. Depression is a rotten thing- I have empathy for all of those who struggle with it. Having had friends and loved ones who have mental illnesses, I also have empathy for you. It can be difficult when someone you love is hurting and there isn't a fix that can be magically fashioned and placed on their invisible wounds.

    I hope that after your business trip you are able to recharge and feel better....less worn out.

  7. Somehow I don't see you in New York. I'm assuming it's NY City and that can be so stressful. I hope it's a quick trip and you can get back to the place and the people that you love.

  8. Syd, you and C. have been through so much over the past few months. You are bound to feel burned out and tired. I know it's hard to watch a partner struggle and not accept help, however, you are helping her by being there and NOT "figuring it out". Remember, the first year following a death is often the most difficult. She'll find her way through. BTW, I live in NYC and can tell you this is probably the nicest time of year to be here. Hope you are able to enjoy your business trip at least a little bit.

  9. That photo is stunning!

    Maybe it will be good for you and C. to be apart for a day or two. And maybe you can find some joy in NYC. I love to look at all of the buildings and imagine how many of the brightest people in their fields are behind those windows.

    Grieving is difficult. It may not be depression at all, but a normal grieving for her mother, her father, and the things past that become so evident when you lose one or more parents. She is fortunate to have you at her side.

  10. ugh man. hugs. i am sorry you are in a rough patch. the cards i am sure were not a great trigger...and its hard not wanting to fix it for them at times as well...

    take time in NY to breathe a bit and enjoy yourself...refresh...

  11. I hope you are able to enjoy your time in NY some. Knowing C is doing better will help. I'm glad she is doing better - talking helps and sometimes we just want to be alone with our sadness. She knows you're there for her - I'm sure. At last flowers are blooming in the midwest - we've had a long winter. (With snow flurries as recent as last Saturday!) Take care -

  12. Life is "BIG". Sure wish the troughs didn't need to happen but then I guess we might end up adrift on a lifeless sea.
    Maybe one of these days soon I'll be ready to blog again. My creative waves have been becalmed for a long time. Looking for the breeze to begin to blow

  13. One of the worst aspects of loosing someone is that it just happens, even after a long illness process, one day it ends and you discover you were not ready after all. My partner had to leave, we both knew it was going to happen and thought we were preparing ourselves for that moment, but when it finally arrived it turned out we were not ready. It's ok to feel worn out and to close a bit. Sometimes you have to lick your wounds like cats do; sometimes you want to hide under the table like some dogs do; sometimes you need to be alone to gather strenght again and have something to give. That is what I'm doing now. I hope you find your own way of overcoming the pain. I'm sure you will..., one day at the time.

  14. It may help your wife to do the necessary things herself - gives her time to think about her parents more deeply. Good to hear she felt somewhat better after her appointment. Make the most of your time away; perhaps you have time to do something for yourself? Best wishes that the burden lightens soon.

  15. Syd Depression comes with territory of alcoholism. i have been sober long enough to know to ride it out. But there is no disney land for me. Life sucks just not bad enough for me to want it to be over just yet. Glad C talked it out, but did it occur to you that maybe we don't really open all the way u to the ones we are closest to because we know how much we have already hurt them?

    Just hang around, be a nuisance as a good husband is and say yes dear a lot. That's the way it works in normal marriages. At least i think mine is normal.


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