Friday, June 21, 2013

Methodical progression of the living

I have been doing as much busy work as I can over the last few days since Pop died. And in the evening, I fix myself something to eat and then read until I am sleepy.  There is healing in the methodical progression of the day.

Yesterday was the most difficult so far because I looked at a photo of him as a young man of ten years--a school photo in his emblemed blazer and tie, no sign of anything but innocence.  We are so young and then we get to be so old.  In between, we have so many choices on how we live each day.  I feel badly that Pop didn't have much of a choice in the last couple of years.  A nursing home was not his choice. And that hurts my heart.

My wife has been calling several times a day.  She too is feeling sad.  Tomorrow she comes home.  I wish that she were staying in that healing location with the sea and sand a few more days.  I believe that the loss will hit her harder when she comes home.

I am going to pick up all of Pop's things today at the nursing home.  That way the room will be vacated and readied for someone else.  I would like for there to be another way for the sick and aged to live out their final days.  Mom died at home. But Pop's medical condition with late stage liver failure was just too dire for home health care. He needed to be in a place where there was nursing care and a doctor on staff around the clock.  At least, that is what I am telling myself to assuage my guilt.

I think that this morning, I'm going to a meeting.  I have let the fellowship know what is going on.  Once again, the local AA's have not called.  I have heard from a few Al-Anon people, expressing their care and concern.  But this time, I expected nothing based on the lack of response when Mom died. When the funeral staff gave me a little book so that I could write down what people brought to the house in the way of food, etc., I thought inwardly that the book will remain blank.  And so it has.

Death is an uneasy subject to think about. And so much death in such a few months is even harder to imagine.  At the moment, I am really okay with just being by myself, going about my day, listening to the birds, the rain coming down.  It's all okay for me because I have lowered my expectations of humanity.  We are just people trying to get through life until we ourselves die.

39 comments:

  1. I don't think your wife can begin to heal until she comes home and truly realizes that her father is gone.
    Syd, you sound depressed to me and you have good reason to be. I could be wrong, but that's how it sounds. I am glad your wife is coming home. This is something you two need to go through together. I know you're okay by yourself but this is your shared experience.
    I am thinking of you both. Wish I could bring you a casserole.

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  2. Mary, I suppose I want to spare her the grief. She has had a lot in the last few months.
    I don't know that I am depressed--just sad and being realistic about things is what I feel. One foot in front of the other, moving through the day. I know that you would be here. I do know that.

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  3. Dera Syd,

    So sorry again for your loss. You have been through so much. If I were closer you wouldn't have a blank book. Darlene and I always send a meal. usually because it is easy for the family, Darlene makes a pan of lasagna ready to put in the oven with directions written on the foil cover in a disposable pan, a ready mix caesar salad in a bag, loaf of garlic bread, and carrot cake for desert. Wish you were closer. Its a good meal.

    I know each family handles death and grief in there own way. I have seen that just in my family. When someone on Darlene's side dies they are very religious and but they walk around all mopey with a hangdog look the whole time in little groups whispering as if they would wake the dead. My family is different. We grieve but we also laugh with stories of whoever died. We don't get all solemn and reverent. In fact my mom's family there was 10 brothers and sisters so death is always a big affair. In fact we have coined a term to help everyone through, we called it the "orphan's club". It kinda helps everyone to know they are not alone, even family have been through this and there is someone to call. Plus we are all at that age of becoming the senior generation. My mother and my aunt are the only ones left from that generation. Not wishing to join the club any time soon. My mom is 83 with dementia at home and my aunt is 81 with dementia in a nursing home.

    Take care of yourself and C. It will be a hard time, my thoughts are with you and C.

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    1. Thanks, Ron. I know that you understand how it feels. But I actually am doing okay. Better than I thought. I have been on auto-pilot--which means that the engine will slow down soon enough. I appreciate your thoughts and caring more than you know.

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  4. I would be there too, with a big fat gooey lasagne! I find it so interesting, funny really, that its the alanons who call. Isn't that so typical?! lol

    It is sad to lose our parents, and you/we just have to walk our way through it. I am glad that C is coming home. It seems that home is where she probably needs to be right now. For her own sake and yours.

    Much love is being sent today to you and C.

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    1. Dear Annette, I'm glad that C. is coming home as well. I've missed her but am happy that she was away at a beautiful place with her friends. And that lasagne sounds awesome!

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  5. Syd:

    I wanted to see how were you doing. Death is a scary matter for almost everyone. We don't want to think about it because it reminds to us our own temporality. Still, when we're going through a big loss we need love and understanding, we don't always get them. San Francisco prayer always gives them to me. You're a wonderful husband, you've been a wonderful cousin and son in law. The love you've already given will stay forever in the hearts of your loved ones. The spirit is the only thing that remains, Syd. A big hug.

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    1. Thanks for those words. The spirit indeed is the only thing that remains.

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  6. i am glad that you are doing the room before your wife comes home...i think that will help...and though itmay be hard for her coming back she will have you then and that may be just what she needs....one day at a time man

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    1. Brian, it is ODAT for sure. And each day gets a little easier. Thanks, man.

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  7. You are such a caring husband and soul mate. Not only did you care for Pop but now you are caring for your wife by cleaning out his room so that she doesn't have to face it in her grief.

    You are blessed to have each other. Take care of yourselves.

    Sherry

    (And I would bring baked goods. A little sugar for the healing soul.)

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    1. Thanks, Sherry. I think that it is easier for her to come back and to not have to deal with going to the nursing home, unless she wants to go. And yes, we do love each other very much.

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  8. Aw Syd,
    Please accept my condolences. I don't think any of us are prepared for death. My own mom died eight months ago of leukemia. We are still grieving her loss. Some days are harder than others.....It's good that you and your wife have each other.
    Peace be to you.
    Holly

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    1. Holly, I'm sorry about your mother. It takes a while just to get through a day without deep grief. And yes, some days are harder than others. I am feeling the loss of both Mom and Pop, knowing that their physical presence won't be with us anymore. But the memories we have of the good times are a comfort.

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  9. Thank you for sharing your experience. It is a gentle reminder to me of the need for community in times of loss. A dear friend of mine who lost her father in law this year felt a gap of response to her loss from those in her community. She then isolated herself from the group because of hurt.
    I think many of us "don't know what to say or do" and as a result do nothing. Not very effective.

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    1. So very true, Diane. Reaching out in just a small way is saying that a person cares. That's important.

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  10. My heartfelt condolences to you and your wife, Syd. I've never been one to bring a casserole but I do feel it is important to reach out with compassion to those who are hurting. Thinking of you, and I think you know you are not alone.

    Peace.

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    1. Momma, thank you for your thoughts. I realize that I'm not alone and haven't felt lonely this time. I lowered my expectations of people to realize that this death may not seem significant to them--"just a FIL"--but he was with me as long as I had my own father. Both he and Mom were more than just in-laws.

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  11. I think there's a lot of truth to what you said about people just trying to get by, and perhaps not having a whole lot of anything left over to give away. I think traditions have also changed - probably to allow for that very problem.

    I'm thinking it may help a lot to have your wife home. Being all alone can be tough at such a time.

    In the meantime, please know that although we are not your neighbours or friends in the traditional sense, we care. It's in the special times, of sadness or joy or celebration, that I find the distance between virtual friends to be a definite obstacle. Take care of yourselves, you and C.

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    1. Thanks, dear Jenny. I realize that there are those out there in the blog world who do know and realize that a few words of comfort are good. We read each other's words and send out good thoughts and comments. Those help so much.

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  12. Dear Syd, I am so sorry to hear of your latest loss. I hope that Pop is at peace now. My heart goes out to you and C and it makes me glad that you have each other.

    I am sure your friends and neighbours feel deeply for you and C at this tim. If only life came with a rule book, we'd all know how to behave. God bless you both.

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    1. So true but there are no rule books on what to do and what is needed. I was taught to do things because they are what is necessary and may not be what I want to do. I realize that I was fortunate to have been taught those manners and customs that so many today haven't a clue about.

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  13. Syd this will probably sound ignorant but you have had this home group and others for how long? Personally if i had even the thought that people were afraid to approach me about the passing deth of someone I cared about I would point out to them I cared for them as well but I sure as heel would not be so fearful of the subject to forget not only do we share a common bond in surviving alcoholism but over the years we have shared lives. Now that doesn't mean anyone owes you a condolence call or visit but it can be a teaching moment about how to handle bereavement.

    I think I already told you that in 2006, the year my mom passed i went to 9 funerals and had many people leaning on me. It was cool I have no problem with that, 6 of the 9, were suicides. But when my mom passed the crickets chirped louder than the "hey dumb ass is there anything I can get for you, I know how much you cared for your mom." A month later another suicide and everything was back to normal. *shrug* Just a suggestion, you have these feelings of a sort of abandonment I think you should let them out in the right place to the people who you think are fearful or simply have not experience in dealing with death of someone they did not know but know the person who is obviously mourning.

    Be Well old man if I were there i would come and smoke cigarettes on your porch and help you weed your garden.

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    1. Mark, you are welcome to come visit at any time. And you won't even have to work in the garden. Thanks, man, for what you write. You are honest and straight up. I like that.

      I shared what happened yesterday in a meeting so I feel okay about letting my feelings out--not to chastise but to simply share that I loved Pop and that it has been not only hard but comforting to take care of the arrangements and to be with him the night of his death, even though his spirit energy had just left.

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  14. I am profoundly sorry no one showed up for you when you needed them. I could tell you that I would have baked you a pie or brought you pierogies, but that is too easy.

    The fellowship did not used to be like this. It is so disheartening.

    God bless you Syd. You are a good man.

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    1. It's a different world these days. I had no expectations this time, MC. But I will gladly accept your virtual pie!

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  15. I feel so bad for you. It wasn't right for your wife to leave on vacation before father's day. That's her father. That's just plain mean. And now to make you do all the arrangements. Obviously she didn't do the process as laid out in the BB. She mise well be drinking. It sounds like she's a dry drunk. She aint showing up for life. She's still running. She's unavailable. She's not there for you. I hope you are meditating a lot. God bless you, and peace be with you.

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    1. Member 1128, I don't think that what my wife did was mean. She had been to see her father before she left for this vacation that has been planned for over six months--the flight arranged, the house rented, etc. She needed a break--everything was wearing her down. And she suffers from some depression as well. So I understood and wanted her to go somewhere for a brief "geographic" cure. One of the great things about recovery is that I know the fourth step is about my taking my own inventory and not that of another. I am glad that I was here to be with Pop. And I'm glad that my wife had a much needed break. Life is all about choices, isn't it? And every day we just do what we can to move forward, to get through the day, and to love each other.

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  16. I have realized that most people are uncomfortable with emotions of any kind especially around grief. Leaving this world is part of the deal and to celebrate someone's life is an honor. In my family it is a chance to get caught up with far away relatives and eat lots of food.

    Being alone with your thoughts sounds soothing to me and a chance to be with his spirit before you wife arrives. Take care.

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    1. Grace, so very true what you write about grief and yet, we still want to hold on to those who are ready to go, wanting them to stay with us just a little while longer. I am peaceful about it but also have my moments when I profoundly miss him and Mom.

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  17. Im so sorry for your recent losses. I, too, have wondered why condolence visits have gone by the wayside as my family has experienced this as well. God bless you & your wife in the weeks ahead. I would have sent a coconut pie. :)
    Take care-

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  18. When Mama died, I wondered if people thought that since I was already in my 50's, maybe losing a parent would just feel like a natural part of life. It did not feel natural. I felt like an orphan. My guess is that you and C will probably have this same "orphan" conversation when she returns. I've discovered since then that lots of people our ages have this feeling.
    At family events, we now all tell funny stories about Mama and Daddy and the memory is good. I see a new chapter beginning for you and C, and myself included.
    Having said all that, I hope it goes without saying sweet Syd, I'm sorry you've lost Pops.

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  19. Syd,

    Prayers for you and C. I think from reading your blog all of this time that you have been more of a son than a son in law. That must have been a great blessing to your wife. Losing parents is a life changing event. I was depressed for about a year when I lost my mother. Just keep talking....you know from Al Anon how dangerous isolation can be. We will continue to pray for your family.

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  20. Let go of any guilt Syd, you and C did all you could. How poignant to see that photograph. I'm sorry to hear about the lack of community support. If I lived nearby I would bring around soups and homebaked breads and a few of my favourite books, cuttings from special plants.

    Be good to yourselves in this time of grief.

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  21. I am so sorry for all that you, and C, are going through, Syd. I can't imagine that your local AA group has not been there for C. This is unforgiveable in my opinion.

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  22. You are a good son in law and a good husband, Sid. Don't torture yourself retracing your steps. I've been out of town and was shocked to check your blog and see your father in law passed.

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  23. I am very sorry for C's loss as well as yours. And I am sorry I can't bring you guys something wonderful to eat a few weeks later, when it is more difficult....

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  24. I'm so sorry to read of your loss - especially after having lost your mother in law too. I'm also sorry that others haven't initiated contact with you & helping you in some way - be it a phone call, card, visit, and/or bringing you some food, flowers, whatever. I have lost both my parents & my father in law, who was also like another father to me within the past 5 years. Through that experience, I learned how important just one sympathy card can be to someone who's grieving. I'll never again think that it's not that helpful when sending a sympathy card - and when at all able to do so- will show up for memorials or bring food or call or visit or whatever I can do for someone I know going through this. It all matters - and we're all here to help each other through such losses. I'm glad you wrote about this to the blogging community who care about you & C very much. Again - so sorry for your losses. If we all were closer, we'd be keeping you company, doing whatever we could to help - and bringing lots of food. Thinking of you & wishing you peace & comfort in the days ahead.

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  25. Hi Syd,
    What I have learned through grief is that we all have such different ways of grieving & letting go. I admire the trust & support you & C seem to have for each other...your love will get you through this.
    We found out in April that my husband's dad has bile duct cancer. He is 72 & they gave him 6-12 months to live. They couldn't operate & after his 6 round of chemo, they will see if they can operate to give him up to a year longer. They gave a 5% chance of that working.
    It's been hard watching him wither away, but he still remains determined to fight on another day... It's been hard on my husband,as he is an only child & close to his dad. His love is big & I see him growing more compassionate & intentional, as he works to make the very most out of his relationships & the time he has left with his dad.
    Ultimately, loss can refine & strengthen our hearts...if we are open to it.
    It sounds like others could sure benefit from having you to guide them through their dying process. What a gift you would be. I have thought of doing that one day...maybe when all my kids are in school...
    God bless! Praying!

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