The deluge of rain and thunderstorms continues, flooding streets downtown and making our dirt road a soggy mess. But temperatures have been in the 80's which is bearable for this time of year. The plants are lush from the rain. It was magical going to the garden center where all the yard fountains were gurgling, echoed by the rain hitting the tin roof. I could simply have stayed there for an hour in meditation. Now we are thinking about getting a couple of these fountains for the yard and one for the deck.
In the process of losing three people whom I loved in the last 3.5 months, I have had a lot of time to think about living and dying. As a scientist, I know what happens to the body as we age. I have seen the ravages from disease. And I believe more than ever that prolonging life for the terminally ill is a reflection of fear and denial. So next week, I am going to meet with Hospice's volunteer coordinator and see what I can do as a volunteer to help those who are dying and those who are watching a loved one die.
I hope that my time spent in working the twelve steps of Al- Anon will help me to practice the principles in this volunteer endeavor. I feel a strong need to do this--to give back and offer my experience, strength and hope to others who are struggling with impending death of a loved one. I feel this as strongly as I have felt the need to help others who are struggling with alcoholism in a loved one.
Maybe this is another way for me to face my fear of loss and abandonment--a way to let go and simply be okay with the hardest kind of loss.
Now it's time for more honey ginger tea and to make an eggplant casserole from the many plants we picked this morning. The rain is starting again. The dogs are inside, dried off and the cats are curled up in the big wing chair. All seems to be flowing like water from a beautiful fountain today.