Wednesday, May 27, 2015

What makes a lasting relationship

I was catching up on some magazines and ran across this article in the Atlantic Monthly. Basically, the article sums up what makes a happy lasting relationship and what causes contribute to other relationships falling apart.
"Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?"

A study done in the 1980's followed young couples, observing their interactions and their physiology.  The investigators did a follow up six years later to see if the couples were still together.  They found that contempt is the main factor that tears couples apart. Those who criticized or ignored their partner and injected negativity into interactions had failed or unhappy relationships.  The partner who was criticized and ignored felt worthless and invisible as if they were not present or valued at all.

Kindness, on the other hand, was what kept couples together. Kindness made each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated--and loved.

I honestly don't know how we have stayed together all these years given the conflict that I used to feel.  I know that there was kindness and love as well. But I also had a lot of distrust for the alcoholic promises where she would say "I love you" but her actions would be the opposite.  And I would do the same--keeping her at arms length because I didn't trust her promises not to drink.  The words said one thing but the actions were the opposite.  Those were confusing and hurtful times for both of us.

I have shared here and at meetings that living with an alcoholic is lonely.  It is very lonely because the other person is emotionally unavailable. And for those of us who love an alcoholic, we keep trying over and over to make the person available.  And I did that for years until I gave up and was ready to walk away.

Some kind of miraculous epiphany happened since those desperate times. I knew that I didn't want my marriage to end, but I also knew that I had to change.  I had to stop spending all my energy on wanting my wife to change.  So I focused on what I wanted with my life.  I looked beyond my work for peace of mind.  I bought a boat, did gardening, became active in Al-Anon, and gradually took care of myself emotionally.

It took a while for the contempt to go away.  I believe that when I did my fourth, fifth and sixth steps, I began to focus on what I was doing--what my part was in how the marriage was going.  I didn't like who I had become.  So as I became aware,  I was able to see that without kindness and compassion,  I was going to remain unhappy.  I would think of my wife as a little girl who had a difficult childhood being sent off to private schools because her parents were fighting and angry.  She grew up with no buffers from the turmoil, just as I did.  From visualizing her as a little sad girl, I was filled with love and compassion for her.

What we have now is respect for each other.  We appreciate each other. We can be genuine with each other.  We support each other emotionally.  We share responsibilities. We trust each other. And we want to spend time together.

We are still working on playing together, instead of being so task oriented.  Our communication is much better.  And we continue to grow in love.



11 comments:

  1. My husband and I were talking the other night about how over the years our respect for each other has increased so much. How we may not always understand the other person's needs in life, but that we respect those needs. He loves to fish and hunt. I love to write and read. When we were younger in our relationship, we had resentments about these things. Now, we accept that it is exactly these things which make us who we are and resentment has been replaced by respect. And even more love.

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  2. A powerful post, Syd. In AA it tells us not to "regret the past" but I can't help feeling very regretful that my husband did not live long enough after I became sober to reap the benefits. His was, indeed, a lonely life.

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  3. Every relationship I have ever had the person was emotionally unavailable. This was what I was use to and truthfully I wasn't as emotionally available as I thought I was. They were my equal in more ways than I wanted to admit. For the first time in my life I am alone and not lonely I have stop searching for one person or one thing that will complete me.

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  4. The old lady and i are simply to mean to divorce. We have each others back but we don't crowd one another. Love, yes it's there but there are more important things--trust, you named trust Syd. i rather have the wife trust me and my choices over just about anything else. I trust her. Though neither of us planned on living in a slum, *meh* it's our home and it's paid for and it does keep us situationally aware. It doesn't hurt that 95% of our neighbors are afraid that we're crazy as hell, which adds a little comic relief to our relationship. That works for us--i wouldn't recommend it for anyone else, but for us--it works just fine.

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  5. Such good insights, Syd. We all need intimacy, trust, respect, that closeness, whether from a partner or from family or friends.

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  6. I am in a new relationship and found myself slipping into my character defects to get what I want from the relationship.

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  7. Contempt is certainly the killer of relationships.

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  8. Thanks Syd for your share. I am unsure how our relationship managed to survive in the beginning we were young and from alcoholic-addict homes...Just for today things have changed

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  9. Thank you for your share. I'm feeling a lot of contempt right now for my husband. The resentment and anger are sometimes overwhelming. I know I'll get to the point where I focus on me. In the meantime, I'll keep going to meetings, keep working my program the best I can, and pray.

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  10. I am both filled with admiration and astonishment that you could move past the contempt. I am married to an alcoholic and as the years progress, my feelings of contempt progress as well. I too can see, at times, the shattered individual he really is but other times what I feel for him is nothing short of a hatred seething within in me.

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  11. hey Syd, good post. My experience has been, that as I let go of my resentments & tried building a better relationship with my husband, his resentments increased. I have been in Al Anon 7 years, he has had some sobriety over the past 6 years. I heard from an AA speaker that even when you are working your program the best you can, people may still treat you as if you are using old defects, and I found this to be true for several years. Things have finally settled down more this year (son finally moved out), and my husband has been accepting my invitations & we are out having good times, enjoying each other's company. But the trust is still not there. Mainly about money. I have not seen rigorous honesty from my husband, a bit here & there, and we don't share accounts. So also not a lot of intimacy still. I am hopeful as we go on that we can work towards these, but I am also able to take care of myself; keep working my program, not be in denial that all is well because we do things together again. I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay. Thanks

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.