Sunday, November 8, 2015

Reset my mind

We had to euthanize our sweet greyhound girl this week.  I knew it was coming because she had kidney and heart disease.  We bought her a lot of time with trips to the veterinary hospital for fluids and medicines.  But eventually, the kidney failure was too much for her. We are both sad that she is gone but know that it was time.

I have been having a lot of flashbacks to childhood.  These are not dreams but happen when I am not highly focused on something. All of a sudden, there will be a vision of me standing in front of a bookcase in the old elementary school library, or me running down the dirt path leading to my cousin's house, or sitting on the stairs at my parents house looking out into the large front yard.

So many of these vivid flashbacks are occurring that I am wondering what it is about.  I have read that these can be caused by unresolved anxiety, or some form of PTSD.  But these aren't unpleasant memories at all--just very vivid and in great detail. I certainly would choose to be in the present and not have all of these thoughts about the past coming up and rushing through my head.  I asked my wife about it, and she said that she has dreams but hasn't experienced the vivid flashbacks that I am having while awake.

Sometimes I do wonder if I may not have inherited some of my family's tendency towards depression.  I hope not because it was a very hard road for both my mother and her father.  And it isn't any journey that I want to go on.

So I am going to stay in the moment by going on the boat this week. The weather is going to be cool.  It seems to reset my mind to go on the boat.  Right now, I am needing a reset for sure.

Sharing some photos of my greyhound girl when she was healthy and could run like the wind. I miss her a lot.


  1. I am so sorry Syd. Did the same to my Lexi last week. It is so hard.

  2. Ah, Syd. I am so sorry. The pets we have to let go...
    And you know as well as anyone that it is a mercy and a blessing to help them when it is time but that doesn't make the missing of them any easier at all.
    As to the flashbacks- perhaps it is not anxiety or PTSD but simply a neurological reaction to certain smells or feelings or images. Who knows? Humans are weird and amazing creatures. I know that during certain times of the year, I think about Cozumel so strongly that I can smell the sea and garlic and cooking of tortillas and see the tiled sidewalks with vivid reality. It brings me to tears. Time, place...they all call us.
    Be at peace.

  3. So sorry to hear about your doggie. Thank you for sharing the sweet photos of her.

    I hope you're able to figure out what your flashbacks are trying to tell you.

  4. There is no loved pet that is ever not loved regardless of their physical presence in our lives.

    You're doing it Syd. The flash backs are not a bad thing, not at all! It is the journey of rediscovery of everything you lost or unlearned as you grew up. Find the innocence of that newborn babe named Syd, then the journey will be complete.

    Good fortune finding Syd, best advice when traveling through time backwards is hold to your objectivity.

  5. So sorry to read about this. I'm sure the passing you gave her was peaceful and comforting.

  6. I'm sorry for your loss Syd. Saying good bye to beloved pets is never easy. I don't know what to make of your flashbacks. Maybe you are just missing your childhood? Or remembering the times that were meaningful to you? Spending time on the boat is just what you need........enjoy!

  7. I lost my Shadow on the 28th of September, he was 12, I know how you feel, it's horrid!!! Why do dogs get to share so little time with us...*hugs*

  8. I'm so sorry about your sweet dog. I have gone through this too, and know the only thing to do is allow your feelings. Our bonds with our pets are like no other.

    Regarding flashbacks--these are rough, but they are coming up for a reason right now. Have you thought of journaling? If they continue, you may want to consider seeing someone short term. It's not a matter of "figuring it out", but allowing yourself the space to explore.

  9. Euthanizing a loved pet is so hard. It's the final way we can do something for them, but that doesn't make it feel any better. I'm so sorry about your lovely girl.

  10. She was a beauty Syd and I'm sure she led a wonderful life with you. Two of my 3 children are facing that exact thing and it's so hard to let go. Your vivid day remembrances don't seem to be connected with depression ... maybe you are just clear minded enough now to want to look back on the good stuff.

  11. I am so sorry! My daughter and I experienced this a few months ago. I prayed a lot and held on super tight to a tweet I read, "let time do it's thing." Sometimes I would say, "Get in here 'time'.. do your thing!"
    So, so, tough even when I try to look on the bright side of having Mazy many more years than expected.

  12. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet dog, Syd. Our pets are wonderful companions. I miss my own dog (who was always right by my side.) Wishing you peace.


  13. Such a lovely girl, Syd, I am sorry to hear about her death.

    No, it doesn't sound like trauma -- as you know I live with long-term chronic war-related PTSD (what a mouthful) and have the classic pattern of a recurring loop of intrusive mages and noises of bleeding bodies, glass breaking and gunshots, as if it was still happening. Terrible to think of the young people in Beirut or Paris who may have to live with PTSD, that excruciating vulnerability and loss of trust in the world around us..

    The memory changes as we age -- my housemate, in her 70s, says many of her childhood memories are the brightest and most detailed -- she also remembers recent memories very well, but not those of 25 or 30 years ago. In my experience, darker memories surface with depression, as if we only recall sadness or dread. Your memories may indicate a need to revisit something long gone, not necessarily a bad time. Perhaps a way to reconnect with the child you once were.


Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.