I had the old anxiety dream last night in which I was alone and looking for the person that I love. It always ends the same way in which I find the person who wants nothing to do with me and is drunk. This is a recurring dream of fear and loss that I have had throughout the duration of my marriage. A therapist once described it as post-traumatic stress syndrome from the anxiety over drinking. I think that it goes deeper and right to my childhood where I became fearful of being left alone by one or both parents. My parents were older than those of my school mates since I was born when they were around 40. With my father's drinking there was a lot of anxiety resulting from that. My mother didn't drink at all but when I was older she suffered from major bouts of depression. I got help as needed for her and she lived a long life, although she would be debilitated by severe depression from time to time.
Alcoholics are unreliable, especially from an emotional standpoint. I think that over the years I developed a lot of insecurities around what to expect from an emotional standpoint. My marriage has been tumultuous with the ups and downs that go with someone who is a depressed alcoholic. Although I am in Al-Anon and realize that I am powerless over people, places and things, I still have an incredible amount of anxiety that bubbles to the surface at times. Those are the moments when I literally have to do something to get my mind off the alcoholic and onto me by doing something that I like to do that takes me away from the immediate anxiety. When this happens in the middle of the night though, it is a hard thing to deal with. I keep books by the bed and read them. It helps to keep One Day at a Time or Courage to Change nearby. It also helps to know that things will generally be better in the light of day when I can get to a meeting and focus on the hear and now and not the imagined fears or the past.