Thursday, February 15, 2007


I had the old anxiety dream last night in which I was alone and looking for the person that I love. It always ends the same way in which I find the person who wants nothing to do with me and is drunk. This is a recurring dream of fear and loss that I have had throughout the duration of my marriage. A therapist once described it as post-traumatic stress syndrome from the anxiety over drinking. I think that it goes deeper and right to my childhood where I became fearful of being left alone by one or both parents. My parents were older than those of my school mates since I was born when they were around 40. With my father's drinking there was a lot of anxiety resulting from that. My mother didn't drink at all but when I was older she suffered from major bouts of depression. I got help as needed for her and she lived a long life, although she would be debilitated by severe depression from time to time.

Alcoholics are unreliable, especially from an emotional standpoint. I think that over the years I developed a lot of insecurities around what to expect from an emotional standpoint. My marriage has been tumultuous with the ups and downs that go with someone who is a depressed alcoholic. Although I am in Al-Anon and realize that I am powerless over people, places and things, I still have an incredible amount of anxiety that bubbles to the surface at times. Those are the moments when I literally have to do something to get my mind off the alcoholic and onto me by doing something that I like to do that takes me away from the immediate anxiety. When this happens in the middle of the night though, it is a hard thing to deal with. I keep books by the bed and read them. It helps to keep One Day at a Time or Courage to Change nearby. It also helps to know that things will generally be better in the light of day when I can get to a meeting and focus on the hear and now and not the imagined fears or the past.


  1. It takes a long time for most of us to find what works in over coming deep rooted fears I think.
    Your willingness to keep learning is wonderful...thank you for sharing..I hope it helps you also.

  2. Once again, we have shared a similarity - this one FEAR --- which was very intense for, just as it is for you now. In my story, I point out that FEAR is another acronym (boy are we good at that) for False Evidence Appears Real - - - when I finally accepted that my fears were debilitating and very often exaggerated, I was able to concentrate on my own needs and do some affirmations of my own by way of a gratitude list, and looking in the mirror - not in admonishment - but in self-stroking validation and love.

  3. Wow..your background is so similar.. Alcoholic father and mother that became depressed. (and my mom took valiums).

    Well Alcohol is a DEPRESSANT and after awhile I think that women pick up feelings more and more.. and they get depressed with this active disease around them.

    I'm choosing to be HAPPIER now.. and keeping away from anyone with addictions. I'm noticing too many people that call me are on MOOD MEDICATIONS (anti-depressants); and I decided to avoid them.. I feel I'll get co-dependent hearing their woes.. and they have so much more time in Al-Anon them me. (they are not working the program as it should be). And I am learning to not get co-dependent with them calling me (through Phone bridge meetings); and now in my Face-to-Face meetings.

    Personally (and this is my opinion only).. they are putting me in the same type of relationships I was with other people that had Addictions; except their are legally prescribe by a doctor.

    I'm going to still do service but not with phone calls; .. just with real duties. I want to be around happier folks and folks working the 12 steps. I do have some that are doing that.. and enjoy them more; and feel they are really doing Al-Anon the right way.

  4. I just found your blog. I have a lot of anxiety, I lost my 34 year old daughter to alcoholism.

    I haven't said why on my blog yet. I am waiting for the right time. She died of multiple organ failure brought on by alcoholism. No one knew she was an alcoholic except me, the one running around yelling "the sky is falling, the sky is falling" (everyone was in denial) since she never drank in front of anyone nor did she "appear drunk". She was a very high functioning alcoholic but she drank 8 BOXES or so of wine a day! Yet she could walk straight and fool everyone but me, her mother.

    I have a long ways to go. Glad I found you.


Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.