I met with my sponsor last night to start my Step Four inventory. We went over a lot of resources including the AA Big Book, the AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, the Al-Anon 12 and 12, and the Al-Anon Blue Print for Progress. After looking over the latter, I see that there are many questions that will require a great deal of thought, honesty and courage. It's really ante up time for me. No BS and no spin--just straight talk and thought.
I'm still filled with a sense of well being after the meeting last night. For once, it seems that I am able to see how powerful it can be to put the focus on my self and not be caught up in the tension and fear about another. It feels like I am letting go more each day and not being blocked by thoughts of control. I also have this feeling of trust and love that makes me feel very calm. I pray that the feeling will continue.
After the step meeting, I went to the regular Al-Anon meeting where the topic was communication. That has never been an issue for me but the lack of good communication has just about ruined my marriage. I never wanted to go to bed angry or wake up without a kiss. Living with an alcoholic basically shot those fantasties down. I also wanted to talk through issues and not have them fester into resentments. My alcoholic is very passive though and would choose not to be straightforward. Instead, I would get the silent treatment or a non-committal statement except after a drunk when there would be a lot of remorse and contrition. Over the years, this got to be tiresome as I gave up on believing in the promises offered and lack of response to attempts at really communicating. Eventually, I got to the point that it didn't matter anymore. Now, we are learning to communicate more openly and in a true dialogue. I'm not sure how this will all play out in the long term but it is a step in the right direction.