I had the day off from work today so I spent it doing some of the things that I like to do. I went to the beach in the morning and walked with one of the dogs. It was a brisk day but it felt good to be outside walking and watching the ships go by in the channel. Today I felt moments of sheer joy and so much serenity, largely because of listening to the peacefulness that came out of the meeting last night. Listening to my sponsor made me realize that there is a way out of all the insanity and pain. I know intellectually that there is but the old adaptations that I have developed around the pain have fit me like a glove for so long that it is hard to put them aside. My need for those things is as real as the drink for the alcoholic or the drugs for the addict. But for the moment I am feeling happy and without expectations or fears.
I have my first meeting on Step Four tonight. I want to keep my positive attitude going and not let myself sink into a mire of self pity. Going over the past isn't always a happy thing for me so I will have to work hard at letting my HP take over and trust that there will be no fear.
I have come to accept that there is a power greater than myself. I've had too many coincidences and been saved from troubles too many times not to believe that there is a HP watching over me. I know that when I slip and let my fears consume me, I make my alcoholic the Higher Power. The alcoholic has no ability or desire to be put in that vaulted role. Always, I need to take my focus off the alcoholic and put it on myself.