I was at a meeting last night where there were parents whose children are either alcoholics or drug addicts. Last week at the Tuesday meeting, I listened to the parents who had such hope before and during the holidays, cry out in dispair because their children had slipped and gone back to drugs or alcohol. It is hard for me to imagine the difficulty that these parents face in detaching from their child and admitting their powerlessness. One parent indicated last night that he had decided to file a warrant because his adult child has stolen from him. He said that it was an agonizing decision but one that he had to do in order to quit enabling the addict. Another parent is dealing with a daughter who blames him for the mother's alcoholism. And yet another mother is in pain because her daughter is an addict who manipulates for money. Each person indicated that they had to look to a Higher Power to help them through the pain. It was good that the topic was Step Two--Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
My willingness to believe came on very slowly but when it came, it was as an epiphany. The night before my father suddenly died, I felt a strong need to be with my parents so I got up out of bed, dressed, and drove to their house. I talked with my dad for over an hour before he told me to go home and that he would be fine. He also told me to take care of my SO because there was a lot of goodness there. The next morning he died due to sudden death from cardiac failure complicated by pulmonary disease. I always felt guilty that I hadn't recognized something that evening and taken him to the hospital or perhaps if I had only spent the night there, I could have saved him. This guilt stayed with me for years and I really didn't see it as a positive sign that my HP had called me to be with my dad. I just thought about what I could have done had I recognized the signs of severe illness.
However, on the day that my mother died, the same thing happened. I was talking to a friend who had come by to visit when an anxiety hit me of such intensity that I knew that I had to go see my mother. I told my friend that I needed to leave right then. I drove to the nursing center and walked in as the staff was doing a code blue on my mother. I don't know if she knew that I was there but at least I was able to touch her and ride in the ambulance to the hospital where she was eventually pronounced dead. She had just told the staff that morning that she was in my kitchen, an indication that she was likely already "traveling" on and letting go of this life. She had told me the day before that she had been out dancing with my father so I knew in my heart that she was preparing to leave. I also knew that there was a Higher Power working to bring me to my parents before they died.
About two weeks after my mother's death, I was in the yard in the early morning and a beautiful luna moth flew to cling to a fence where I was standing. The moth gently opened and closed it's wings. The luna moth was my mother's favorite so I knew then that this was a sign of her presence and a way to comfort me. After a few minutes, the moth flew away. I felt so much of my grief lift at that moment, and I felt happy knowing that my mother was free of her earthly cares and troubles. I too was free and comforted by knowing that my HP had given me a great gift by guiding me to be with my parents before they died and by letting me know that all was okay with them. Thus, I came to believe.....