I was reading a blog entry by Tab on learning to love in healthy ways. This was her Valentine's Day message:
Happy Valentines Day to all who are learning that love
is something healthy we deserve and can share between
each other as healthy healing adults...............everyday ~
What she wrote really hit me as I have made a mess of love through my codependent behavior. I went into my marriage hoping to change the person that I loved from being a depressed unhappy drinker. I had tried on and off for several years before my marriage to figure out why I was willing to put up with the outrageous behavior of my SO. I guess as Tab states, it was the rose colored glasses that I chose to wear. If I had felt better about myself, I doubt that I would have married then or perhaps ever. I know that I love deeply and haven't cut myself off my people through fear of getting close. What happens to me is that I love too much and hope that I am able to fill a lot of insecurities in my emotional well being through having the love of another person.
I still find that I am getting hurt when I try to demand too much in the relationship. I have dreams and thoughts that I want to see fulfilled but the other person doesn't have the ability to make those things happen. I know that I put too many emotional demands on others when I need to just love and trust myself. The whole revisited idea of "live and let live". The alcoholic has to work a selfish program, yet I am expecting to have a person who is basically incapable of providing it, supply me with some emotional needs that I am missing. What a messed up concept since I know that I am the only one who can fill those missing holes that exist in my heart. I wonder how many years and how much hurt it will take before I wake up and not have any expectations from another. I'm ready for it to stop and am hoping that I'll be able to love in a healthy undemanding way through the help of the program.