I was listening to a couple of birthday sharings last night at the meeting. One person spoke about wanting to experience unconditional love, yet she didn't know how to do that. She said that she was blocked by fear. Her husband is currently not in AA but has slipped and is actively drinking. She was in a lot of pain as she talked about how she felt defeated.
It reminded me of how hard it is to have a brain dump of all the stinking thinking that qualifies us to be in this program. I've talked about my "qualifier" but really we are our own qualifiers because it's the stuff that is running around in the grey matter that qualifies us to be here. That's something that I need to remember because when I feel good and start thinking that I can handle things, then I'm opening myself up to take a slide back into the old way of thinking that made me crazy.
The alcoholic and I aren't that different. I just chose not to drink but have fears, worries, anxiety, resentments and all the other stuff that makes life hard to live. Thankfully, since being in Al-Anon, I'm learning acceptance is a much better path to go down than controlling and denying. I feel acceptance that my past existence was warped. I've found something new that's enabled me to let go of the past a little more each day. I've come to accept that I'm not in a model relationship nor ever will be. If I continue to work the program, I can only get better which is all that I can control. I've come to accept my shortcomings and through awareness am working to not hold onto them forever.
Being in the program and accepting who I am has opened up a lot of possibilities. They seem exciting to me now and not nearly as daunting as they were when I first started with Al-Anon. The pieces of the puzzle that is me are starting to fit without forcing. It's a big damn puzzle though and I'm not sure that all the pieces will ever fit together to form a beautiful scene but I'm okay with that. Now If I can just get all those cloud pieces figured out.....