I started working on the sex relations part of the AA fourth step this morning. This is an interesting and somewhat painful part of the whole step for me. I've had my share of passionate moments and when putting it all down on paper, it made me realize that in lots of cases, I had very selfish motives.
I cared for several of the women that I was involved with but in some cases it was just to fulfill something in me that would make me feel better. I guess that I confused sex with love and was looking for a way to be close to someone. Sex is a wonderful thing, and I still think that it is the most pleasurable thing that the HP has given us.
This inventory has made me realize that my motives weren't always the best, but I've never been deliberately unkind to anyone. In some situations, I probably didn't extricate myself from a relationship in the best manner. I'm not going to beat myself up over any of this. This inventory has helped me realize that 1) I had more sexual relationships than I thought, 2) although selfishly driven in some and experimental in others, I think that there was compassion in addition to passion, and 3) I am glad to think about sex as something that is a wonderful gift from the HP. I've never despised or loathed it but have probably been driven by it in search of love.
"Every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows. If the pursuit of wealth tramples upon poeple who happento be inthe way, then anger, jealousy, and revenge are likely to be aroused. If sex runs riot, there is a similar uproar." Twelve and Twelve
Wow, ain't life grand when you can uncover those things that have formed who we are! Like you, I have also used sex as a means to find love. Usually for me, it ended up being a sick relationship though. I am working on my fourth too!
ReplyDeleteHUGS
such a complex part of our lives, and there was so much to be learned from my inventory. I loved that you said you were recognizing compassion as well as passion; and that you never consciously set out to hurt anyone. If I can live my life by those standards I will feel blessed.
ReplyDeleteIt definitely is spring. Where'd you find the artwork? I like it.
ReplyDeleteOh what a tough one to explore. I have not gone threw this yet, actually I did, then lost my inventory then relapsed . . . hmmmm, not good.
ReplyDeleteI know it takes courage to do this section on the 4th despite the challenges. Thanks 4 sharing.
Very nice sid must of our sons and daughters of alcoholics.
ReplyDeleteGreat sharing on the best Gift that God has given humanity: SEX! Like anything else,i.e.,compulsion, addiction, etc., it can be misused and sometimes becomes violated as the precious gift that it really is! Great insight! Love ya, Anonymous#1
ReplyDeleteS*E*X...a gift from the gods.
ReplyDeleteI had four boyfriends the last 5.5 years.... and 4 semi-boyfriends too. (separated/divorced for 7 years)..
The four boyfriends.. I think I became physically intimated too FAST. I should have waited. Why? Because the SEX was so GREAT (especially with 2 of them); that it made me OVERLOOK that they were the wrong men for me. I gave too many chances; or made excuses for their not being the right man for me.. because I really wanted to fix them because of the intimate physical bond. I date each 15 months; 15 months; 24 months approximately and 12 months.
The other 4 was very fast; .. and I ended those too; because of the sexual connection was not there. A couple were great men too; and I have kept in platonic touch with them. (but would not date them)
Now that I'm Recovered (practically) I really want the NEXT partner to be the last one. I think it really is best to be a Celibate when dating for the first 3 months instead of 3 dates. Too fast.
2 men before all this happened (the father of my first 2 children and my ex-husband) and then 8 in 5.5 Years. I think because I was feeling in my 40s that I better not wait to long to see if I was compatible in all areas. I actually wasted more time; dating men with issues; .......but either way I was not in Recovery and passing up the better men to date men that I could fix.
Very dumb of me (said with a smile). I had a right to be messed up after my childhood.
Oh.. I never dated in my house; only on the weekends when my child was with his dad except for the last one. I really thought S. was the right man .. and the relationship was SWEET (except for the dealbreakers.. he really wants to sabotage things because of his childhood--I understand why he is divorced not once but twice--) I usually would not date a man divorce twice.. he just Fooled me (or I let myself be fooled)that he had his act together. Poor Guy..... he lost a great woman (said with confidence not conceit). :)
S*E*X...a gift from the gods.
ReplyDeleteI had four boyfriends the last 5.5 years.... and 4 semi-boyfriends too. (separated/divorced for 7 years)..
The four boyfriends.. I think I became physically intimated too FAST. I should have waited. Why? Because the SEX was so GREAT (especially with 2 of them); that it made me OVERLOOK that they were the wrong men for me. I gave too many chances; or made excuses for their not being the right man for me.. because I really wanted to fix them because of the intimate physical bond. I date each 15 months; 15 months; 24 months approximately and 12 months.
The other 4 was very fast; .. and I ended those too; because of the sexual connection was not there. A couple were great men too; and I have kept in platonic touch with them. (but would not date them)
Now that I'm Recovered (practically) I really want the NEXT partner to be the last one. I think it really is best to be a Celibate when dating for the first 3 months instead of 3 dates. Too fast.
2 men before all this happened (the father of my first 2 children and my ex-husband) and then 8 in 5.5 Years. I think because I was feeling in my 40s that I better not wait to long to see if I was compatible in all areas. I actually wasted more time; dating men with issues; .......but either way I was not in Recovery and passing up the better men to date men that I could fix.
Very dumb of me (said with a smile). I had a right to be messed up after my childhood.
Oh.. I never dated in my house; only on the weekends when my child was with his dad except for the last one. I really thought S. was the right man .. and the relationship was SWEET (except for the dealbreakers.. he really wants to sabotage things because of his childhood--I understand why he is divorced not once but twice--) I usually would not date a man divorce twice.. he just Fooled me (or I let myself be fooled)that he had his act together. Poor Guy..... he lost a great woman (said with confidence not conceit). :)
OMG 4th step work for me
ReplyDeleteI was always making someone else feel good and forgot about me.I feel I am their drug.I am taking a celibate break during this 4th step work.
I am more than the sum of my parts and need to feel the good feelings of giving without it being someone else's high. God bless the moments I remember I matter.