Thursday, April 5, 2007
Responsibility
For the past few months I've noticed that things that used to matter a great deal to me no longer seem important. I've stepped way back on responsibility around the house. I used to be such a fanatic about everything but now it seems that none of the old stuff matters. My sponsor tells me that I have responsibility ingrained in me but that at the current point in my life, I'm learning to have fun again and feel free.
Unfortunately, I've probably not been keeping up with things as I used to and have seen that a shift has occurred between the duties that I assume and that of my spouse. Last night we discussed that at length. She senses that I want to get away from the pressures and confinement of the home. She's right about that. I don't want to work in the yard every Saturday or run household errands in my free time. Instead, I want to have time to think and have started liking being by myself and comfortable with myself more and more. I'm beginning to realize that I'm really an okay person. These are positive steps for me.
At the same time, if I'm going to be a partner in the marriage, then I need to step up and do my part. We're at different places in our recovery which makes things more difficult. I'm working the steps and she hasn't begun yet. I'm feeling as if a load has been lifted from me, and she still feels depressed and absorbed with the past. These aren't bad things just an indication of differences in where we are in our respective programs. Last night, we decided that clearer communication would help. So we agreed to tell each other when the balance has swung too far to one side or the other. If I'm not doing enough, then I need to be reminded. If I'm feeling too controlled then I need to remind her. I think that it's a good compromise and one that will keep us both from feeling resentment.
"At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise. With these we have had experience galore." from Alcoholics Anonymous
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Hello, my new friend Syd... I can certainly relate to this and many of your posts! As for your comment to me today- YUP, that was me, so afraid or rejection/abandonment that I would 'take hostages'! If you were my friend then you had to be forever...never leave me! Then of course when I smothered you and you left I could say "see, I knew you'd leave me!"
ReplyDeleteYou really sound like you are taking care of you, and that can only be good for the relationship as a whole!
HUGS
Hi Syd,
ReplyDeleteTo quote a line from "My Fair Lady" by Rex Harrison: "By God, I think he's (she's) got it! You are right, however, in trying to find a good balance for yourself that will be acceptable to your partner! Great sharing. Thanks for your heart! Keep on keeping on.
I can sooo relate...since this is a spiritual program I find myself giving priority to things with "depth and weight" and saying hell with the rest. I have to work at finding the balance too, so I can apply the principles in all my affairs. I wish I could be all about God and my recovery and then I realize I have to grocery shop or go out back and clean up the dog poop. Ah life on life's terms...its great at keeping me humble.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea how al anons put up with alcoholics. I would not want to go out with a male version of me! I prefer non alcoholics.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea you were so new to al anon. I thought you'd been doing a good while now. Alcoholics are pretty resentful people. Defensive, persecution complex, inferior, arrogant, unteachable!!! You name it!
THAT'S why I don't know how non alcoholics put up with them. They must have more patience or something. Or be very attached. I dunno.
OF COURSE you are a nice guy syd!!
I knew that! Jeez, that's a shame if you are having difficulty seeing that about yourself. There are ! Plenty of crummy people in the world, and you are NOT one of them!
Don't believe what the alcoholic projects onto you. They do not see 'you'. They see only their very personal neuroses, projected onto you. Which is a shame. But never mind. Alcoholics are very sick people you know. And its a very serious mental illness. Even the ones who take their recovery very seriously, have to work against overwhelming irrational moods when the appropriate trigger randomly appears!
I am always AMAZED at how patient al anons are. I just don't have those levels of patience and tolerance. There's fault on both sides of course as there always is. But by an large I just think you need the patience of a saint to be involved with an alky. But what do I know. Ive only been able to see It from this side of the fence..
Yeah the re evaluating who does what sounds like a good thing. Change is always afoot when you embark on recovery of some sort. Just when you get used to the internal landscape, it all moves around again! No peace for the wicked! It all sounds good though!