Thursday, April 5, 2007
For the past few months I've noticed that things that used to matter a great deal to me no longer seem important. I've stepped way back on responsibility around the house. I used to be such a fanatic about everything but now it seems that none of the old stuff matters. My sponsor tells me that I have responsibility ingrained in me but that at the current point in my life, I'm learning to have fun again and feel free.
Unfortunately, I've probably not been keeping up with things as I used to and have seen that a shift has occurred between the duties that I assume and that of my spouse. Last night we discussed that at length. She senses that I want to get away from the pressures and confinement of the home. She's right about that. I don't want to work in the yard every Saturday or run household errands in my free time. Instead, I want to have time to think and have started liking being by myself and comfortable with myself more and more. I'm beginning to realize that I'm really an okay person. These are positive steps for me.
At the same time, if I'm going to be a partner in the marriage, then I need to step up and do my part. We're at different places in our recovery which makes things more difficult. I'm working the steps and she hasn't begun yet. I'm feeling as if a load has been lifted from me, and she still feels depressed and absorbed with the past. These aren't bad things just an indication of differences in where we are in our respective programs. Last night, we decided that clearer communication would help. So we agreed to tell each other when the balance has swung too far to one side or the other. If I'm not doing enough, then I need to be reminded. If I'm feeling too controlled then I need to remind her. I think that it's a good compromise and one that will keep us both from feeling resentment.
"At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise. With these we have had experience galore." from Alcoholics Anonymous