Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Watching the light go out

At the meeting last night, I read from one of the books about how to stop hurting others as we work through recovery. One of the readings asked the question, "Have you ever watched the light go out of someone's eyes?" I can visualize that because I've not only seen it but have contributed in many ways to it. While one could interpret the reading as referring to death and dying, it really was referring to how unkind words and sarcasm can take the light away.

I've felt the light in my own eyes ebb over the years. It wasn't due to alcohol or drugs but to a loss of spirit and an emptiness within. But I've contributed through my own selfishness and fears to diminishing the light in other's eyes. Thankfully, I didn't have the power to extinguish that light.

Through the program, I'm coming to terms with the harms that I have done. I'm working at trying to balance my character defects with some positive affirmations. Today has been a day to not only think about the wrongs that I have done but to try as hard as I can to forgive myself.

The HP has been working so hard today in my life. My SO found and read my fourth step inventory and is having a hard time coming to grips with what was written. The application of the Ninth Step of making direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others is not an option for me now. The harms are there, indelibly imprinted and have filled her eyes with tears. I'm doing what I can to affirm my love and caring. I'm not sure that anything will work this time so I've got to just let it go this evening and trust that somehow this fits into the HP's plan.


  1. I honestly cannot find the words to express how well I can relate to this post but having not been in a program ..well..I have still been through this in my healing and recovery from codependency Syd.
    It is really powerful stuff and naturally it will make you wonder.
    But you have such a great head on your shoulders to deal with whatever your HP has in store for you.Keep sharing Syd..you are fab:)

  2. Wow, what a powerful post. I agree with Tab that you are smart enough to deal etc.
    I have seen the light diminish in so many eyes, my mom's, my sis's, AAngel's... The pain that I saw there is something I hope not to inflict again.
    I believe thaough that we can help those eyes to shine again if we keep doing what we're doing. I heard somewhere that one of the best gifts we can give a loved one is for them to see our eyes light up when they walk into the room.

  3. Ouch Ouch Ouch
    It is better to understand than to be understood.
    From the Prayer of St. Francis of Assis
    Well you can't hold yourself responsible for someone sneaking through your things. I'm afraid she brought this one entirely on herself. Unless of course, you left it open in the middle of the coffee table.
    I do not think someone in her frame of mind is capable of understanding the context of what you wrote, and the things that happened.
    "Hate the sin not the sinner" and all that. That's a skill that comes from doing the steps and listening to other people step 4''s as a sponsor.

    I'm really, really sorry this happened.
    In THEORY, The people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter. But I think most would struggle to maintain impartiality if the subject of the disclosure was a significant other. It does happen though. Its just difficult to pull off.
    The important thing to realize is that her decision to read something private of yours, WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
    Yeah I know she's hurt, but don't be too hard on yourself. Trust me! ALL alcoholics have a 'story' to tell. Yes, even us younger ladies! If she had done a step 4, and you managed to read it, you might find some stuff you didn't expect there either. Yep. Alcohol doesn't bring out the best in us. That's for ! sure. So don't beat yourself up. It works both ways.

  4. Not pleasant. It will all work out.

  5. Well, if a couple ever hoped for some open, honest, communication..I guess this would qualify as opening the gates for it. Maybe this could bring about some healthy relationship changes..because, well hell, I guess the cards are on the table.
    You'll figure it out darlin'.

  6. OMG. sorry to hear whats gone on. But at the same time, everything seems to happen for a reason, at the moment, God only knows what. But its done now.

    Sometimes rejection is Gods protection.

    God Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.

    Keep on, keeping on

  7. take out the sometimes...

    Rejection is Gods protection

  8. I really can relate to this post. I'm sorry it came out this way for you, although your spouse probably knew in her heart that all was not well. It is a shame she did not have more belief in herself and the relationship to talk to you and open the doors to communication.

    Be well, listen to your sponsor - he seems very wise. My thoughts are with you.


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