At the meeting last night, I read from one of the books about how to stop hurting others as we work through recovery. One of the readings asked the question, "Have you ever watched the light go out of someone's eyes?" I can visualize that because I've not only seen it but have contributed in many ways to it. While one could interpret the reading as referring to death and dying, it really was referring to how unkind words and sarcasm can take the light away.
I've felt the light in my own eyes ebb over the years. It wasn't due to alcohol or drugs but to a loss of spirit and an emptiness within. But I've contributed through my own selfishness and fears to diminishing the light in other's eyes. Thankfully, I didn't have the power to extinguish that light.
Through the program, I'm coming to terms with the harms that I have done. I'm working at trying to balance my character defects with some positive affirmations. Today has been a day to not only think about the wrongs that I have done but to try as hard as I can to forgive myself.
The HP has been working so hard today in my life. My SO found and read my fourth step inventory and is having a hard time coming to grips with what was written. The application of the Ninth Step of making direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others is not an option for me now. The harms are there, indelibly imprinted and have filled her eyes with tears. I'm doing what I can to affirm my love and caring. I'm not sure that anything will work this time so I've got to just let it go this evening and trust that somehow this fits into the HP's plan.