Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Needing solitude

I left work yesterday because I couldn't think anymore and needed to be alone. My SO asked for a divorce. I'm not fearful about that but have a lot of grief over the many years that we have been together. I know in my heart that I have and still am committed to her. What Judith (Vicarious Rising) wrote in her blog really pulled at me: "...marriage can be either a repeat of your past and return to the familiar or, if you get it right, it can be the completion of your adulthood, filling in the gaps of your weaknesses and helping heal what went wrong in the past."

My parents were married over 50 years. My SO's parents have been married 60 years. I have spent over half my life married and all but the last year of it has been with an active alcoholic. She is now sober but not in true recovery. I am in recovery but working hard to stay in the day and keep the focus on myself. When I slide into self-pity, I get very lost.

I want to have a relationship that lasts and I want to make this thing work. Yet, we are like two people who have diverged so far from what we once were. I am willing to try but am weary of the upheaval that has occurred over the past year. I was told that the first year in recovery can be very confusing. It has been that and so much more. I am no longer who I was before. I don't want to go back to being who I was before.

So when I left work yesterday, I went to my sailboat. I talked to my sponsor on the way there and was told to meditate. I said the Serenity Prayer over and over until I finally fell asleep. When I awoke, I felt calm and much less fearful. I have to just let this play out. I know that whatever happens, it was deigned to be.


  1. I am sorry your relationship is ending. Hopefully you two can morph it into a friendship, and still stay in each others lives.

    Hang in there. It does get better........

  2. If you can truly strive to keep your side of the street clean every day thru this "life stuff", you will be amazed at how much easier it will be.
    I'm so sorry you are in pain.

  3. Aww I too am sorry that you are hurting. I am glad that you have found peace for today though, your acceptance is phenomenal, as are you!

    I hope this isn't a bad time...Tag You're it

  4. Wise decision to leave work and go to the boat. Nicely handled. Taoist arch might take the edge off. When something heavy and ? intractable shows up I just sit down in a comfy chair or lie on the bed and have a chat with my higher power about it. A heart to heart. I aim to be as honest as possible. that's all. no groveling. just the unflattering truth. Its like they popped in for tea and I catch up with them for 45mins or so. I have the conversation out loud because my mind wanders if I don't.
    My experience. Both before and after coming to AA. Was that (like johno says) ALL the rejections I experienced were Gods PROTECTION. Trust me. NOTHING happens in this game by mistake. Nothing. I know it hurts a LOT, but that doesn't tell you what's 'good' or 'bad', just what you have become accustomed to over time. What has become your comfort zone. So don't let the crap feelings alarm you into thinking this whole thing is 'wrong'. It will ALL make sense in hindsight. You just have to trust your higher power in the meantime. Like Steve jobs said in his talk, you just have to trust that it will all fall into place later. I have faith in this outcome, even though I can see that its very unpleasant for you to experience right now. I just feel it in my bones. This is all happening as it should. And I must say, you are handling this amazingly well, if I may say so. Just basic stuff like, HALT, meetings, hp, till this cools down a little. Keep on keeping on.

  5. Ah Syd...sometimes when we change and grow we happen to leave others behind as they are not changing and growing with us. Sad but true.
    One day at a time...whatever will be....will be.....sometimes we do come to that fork in the road.
    If you can stay friends..all the better.
    Never give up hope. The best is yet to come.
    There may still be a chance to save the relationship...if she's willing.
    I'm sorry though..

  6. I feel for you.
    I feel for you because it's what I am going through too, I am the one who has changed and he has not. I want to end it (at times) and he's telling me to just let it play out.
    Interesting. Thanks for posting and reminding me that I'm not unique.

  7. All we can ever do is clean up our side of the street. I am so glad that you are working your program. Keep up the good work.

  8. Sorry Syd, I know what your feeling and I will keep you in my prayers. Everyone kept telling me to focus on myself and my relationship with my higher power and this would end up better than anything i ever thought possible. I hated to hear people say that then, but so far those promises have come true also. It's weird how it seems nothing ends up like we plan or even want at the time, but in hindsight everything (at least in my experience) is so much better than i ever could have hoped. Going back to basics, one day at a time, and a lot of meditation and contact with my friends in the program and my sponsor helped me get through the worst of this.

  9. I am sorry for your pain Syd. And I can relate to it. I am glad you are working your program and sharing this with all of us.


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