I left work yesterday because I couldn't think anymore and needed to be alone. My SO asked for a divorce. I'm not fearful about that but have a lot of grief over the many years that we have been together. I know in my heart that I have and still am committed to her. What Judith (Vicarious Rising) wrote in her blog really pulled at me: "...marriage can be either a repeat of your past and return to the familiar or, if you get it right, it can be the completion of your adulthood, filling in the gaps of your weaknesses and helping heal what went wrong in the past."
My parents were married over 50 years. My SO's parents have been married 60 years. I have spent over half my life married and all but the last year of it has been with an active alcoholic. She is now sober but not in true recovery. I am in recovery but working hard to stay in the day and keep the focus on myself. When I slide into self-pity, I get very lost.
I want to have a relationship that lasts and I want to make this thing work. Yet, we are like two people who have diverged so far from what we once were. I am willing to try but am weary of the upheaval that has occurred over the past year. I was told that the first year in recovery can be very confusing. It has been that and so much more. I am no longer who I was before. I don't want to go back to being who I was before.
So when I left work yesterday, I went to my sailboat. I talked to my sponsor on the way there and was told to meditate. I said the Serenity Prayer over and over until I finally fell asleep. When I awoke, I felt calm and much less fearful. I have to just let this play out. I know that whatever happens, it was deigned to be.