Friday, October 19, 2007

Screw guilt

A meeting topic this week focused on guilt. It seems to be something that rises up for various reasons and can drag us down if we let it. Guilt is defined as having remorse for having done something wrong. What is important is to decide to forgive ourselves by letting go of what others have done to us. Forgiveness is where healing occurs.

I know that it's easy to slip into the feelings of guilt. But guilt is like almost all feelings, best just felt and let go. The danger for me comes when guilt turns into shame, the feeling that I am somehow a bad person for making choices that bring on guilt. I feel it is natural to feel some guilt when I make a choice to take care of myself at the cost of someone else's needs. It is unhealthy though if I let that turn into shame.

I think that most people who have been affected by alcoholism feel guilt. It's a powerful tool used by both the alcoholic and the co-dependent. One woman shared in the meeting that her alcoholic son wanted to come home for Christmas, yet she thought his coming home would be a disruption to her and the rest of the family. She felt a lot of guilt about the decision. At this time, she has established a boundary and isn't ready to have her son come home.

Perhaps as time progresses, her guilt will ease. I know that as I've grown in recovery, I've let go of the past and realized that I don't want to harbor resentment for those who have hurt me. Forgiveness is what I can give both others and myself when I let go of guilt. I forgive myself when I put my needs ahead of others. I have learned to forgive my parents for things that hurt me when I was a kid. I don't make excuses for what happened but I've learned to not hold onto the resentment because it will ultimately hurt me.

10 comments:

  1. This is an issue that has been on my mind this week in particular. I will need to reread and hopefully absorb your thoughtful analysis. Yup, screw guilt. But first I need the driver.

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  2. guilt.... since i've learnt to become aware of my feeling, and identifying them in order to place them in their right place in order of validity or not, i've realised i can feel guilty about the stupidest things. about things i have no influence, control or input over. and i have been working at shrugging it off. "feel it and let it go" - well said!

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  3. Your definition is but one of the methods of feeling guilt.
    There have been times that I feel guilty for taking care of myself in sobriety. That is insane and I have to recognize those feelings and let go of them.
    Good topic. Thanks and have a fine weekend.

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  4. Thanks for the post, Syd. I have been having a tough time with this all week. I go along thinking I am doing Ok then out of the blue I am hit with some old feelings. Sometimes (many times) I just do not know how to deal with them.

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  5. I'm dealing with guilt right now, & have let it turn into shame. Thanks for your post, it hit right on the nail for me. I won't let this shame go any further. It's time to put a halt on it.

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  6. Guilt is a tough one for me because I carried it for things I didn't even do. I'm learning to take appropriate responsibility - kind of related to the things I can and cannot change.

    Ah, the process of letting things go....

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  7. I'd give anything I could to have my son come home for a day and disrupt my world.

    I have less guilt today as I let go of my will...

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  8. I'd give anything I could to have my son come home for a day and disrupt my world. She doesn't know how blessed she is that her son is alive.

    I have less guilt today as I let go of my will...

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  9. Great from the heart stuff!

    We posted about you over at GO! Smell the flowers today - drop by anytime!~

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  10. Oh Christine, your post sounds like a judgement and that's not OK. We don't know what the history is that led to this person's difficult decision.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.