I picked up a CD of Robert Johnson, the man who is synonomous with Delta blues. A story goes that Robert went to the crossroads of Highway 61 and made a deal with the devil to be able to play the blues and be recognized. He did play the blues but wasn't recognized until much later when his work was recorded by the likes of the Stones, Led Zeppelin and others. His dealing must have been short-lived though because he was dead at age 27, supposedly poisoned by a jealous man whose woman he was working his mojo on.
I wonder sometimes how many of us have wanted to make a deal in order to get what we want. I think that I was willing to do just about anything to have some peace of mind around the alcoholic. I didn't quite make a deal with the devil but was as close to despair as a person could be without injuring myself. During that desperate time, I never once thought to turn to my HP for help. Instead I was busy being miserable.
But we seldom get anything that we selfishly ask for. The program teaches to not ask for selfish things but to ask to better do God's will. Maybe that's why Robert Johnson ended up dying the way that he did. Unless we give up our self-will, we are doomed to fail. No more deals for me. Just surrender, humility and acceptance.
that makes me think of: be careful what you ask for because you just may get it...
ReplyDeleteYea, I've heard the be careful what you ask for.
ReplyDeleteThere was a movie titled 'Crossroads' about him. It was really good, & awesome music in it.
I used to be in that kind of despair, more than once, even in sobriety. But once in AA, I knew of an HP, & the I had tools to use, & people to go to. But sometimes I stayed in the mysery for awhile, my pride wouldn't let me reach out for help. That is still a hard one for me, even tho I know what works.
I was afraid to ask anyone, including a higher power, for help or anything else because I was taught that asking for anything just ended up in tenfold back payments. When I first was in rehab and tried turning my will over, I had panic attacks, certain that something bad would happen to someone I loved (my son in particular) if I dared ask for help with my addiction.
ReplyDeleteIt's the difference between selfish and self-interest. I didn't have much of a sense of self-worth and didn't think I deserved to be saved. It wasn't about pride - it was what I had experienced and what I believed.
I'm still trying to get the gyst of the idea that it's ok for me to enjoy the life I have.