There are just some days that I want to start over. Today was one of those. I won't go into specifics but suffice to say that someone I care about has been more than a little irritable lately. I had a moment today that I wanted to say, "Okay, I give up. You can do whatever you like. But just leave me alone."
It's my fear and resentment rising up again. There are times when I feel wronged and can't deal with it. I want to wallow in self-pity and think about what a jerk the other person is. It's so tempting to go down that road of getting even or blaming or casting off the person who has hurt me.
But a better way exists. I know that and after moments of self-doubt and anxiety in which I feel paralyzed, I can actually take stock of the situation. Acknowledging that I've been wronged is okay to do. But blaming the person who has hurt me only builds resentment. Instead I think that getting even isn't feasible but accepting that they are flawed just as I am, will get me through the rut that I'm in.
In my head, I may say,
"I don't understand"
"I'll never understand"
"It isn't okay, it never will be okay, but I forgive ."
This last part is tricky for me. Because if I dwell too much on the "never will be okay" statement, I have the capability to stay angry. A flare up of anger isn't going to hurt me unless I continue to feel angry. And by doing so, give power to the person with whom I'm angry. But if I can accept that the person with whom I'm angry is as flawed as I am and if I can work through my anger in a way that it doesn't eat me alive, then I think that my anger will be sated. I can then move past the angry feelings, quit the self pity and self loathing and get to where I can see that we are just human.
These moments when things seem out of control or I feel out of control are opportunities for me to grow. They are also times when I can turn to my HP and admit that I need help.
And some days I'm better at this than others. If I'm tired, I'm not good at this, or if I'm too emotionally uptight, I first will need to get my head clear and take some time to absorb and work through the hurt. It's such a relief to finally give up the self-pity and move towards clear thinking again. It eventually comes if I take enough time to get over myself and just ask for help.
Wow, this is some advanced stuff. That we have the ability to make changes is phenomenol.
ReplyDeletewe seem to be on the same "page" so to speak. "i give up" is something i've said to myself many times just this morning.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing this - you aren't alone!
I'm telling ya Syd..there is someting in the stars and planets these days that is making a lot of us peeps feel this way.Luckily some of us have the tools to deal with it better than others.Then we can also be patient with others.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate all the positive shares you write out here Syd.
Thank you :)
Syd, this is a powerful post and one I much needed to read today. I so admire you and your strength and your ability to cope and especially how you share it with all of us, because I for one, get so much out of what you write here. Thanks Syd!
ReplyDelete~kel
Self-awareness is half the battle, I always say. You know your triggers. You know how to acknowledge the emotion/situation for what it is then place it in its proper spot. Hats off to you.
ReplyDeletei've felt that 'give up and run' so so often in the past. just give up because it's too much hassle to try and fix it, too much hassle to work it out, so running away solves everything 'cause then i can start fresh. somehow that's never worked though, 'cause i can't run away from feelings, no matter what. this i do less and less nowadays. 'cause there is no shortcut. 'through the forest, not around it' irish said to me once. and that's so true. thanks for sharing this. another little building block for me and i appreciate that!
ReplyDelete