A long drive

Today I drove to Duke Marine Lab for a meeting. Driving provides a time to think about lots of things including what I'm thankful for. I just have to look at the water and the full moon rising over it to feel grateful and awed by something greater than myself.

Even though I have meetings coming up that will keep me in a room for a couple of days, I feel much better than I did earlier in the week. I'm grateful for being able to set aside my self-will , ego and fears to become "receptive to a larger reality."

Dave asked about what it's like to have a slip in Al-Anon. In the past, a slip for me would leave me feeling really low. I would feel unfocused and often overwhelmed. And these feelings would come up mostly because of a feeling of rejection brought on by criticism or some other perceived slight. I would generally revert to the old way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. I would start obsessing over what I could do to change the situation. And this would happen even though I would realize that nothing I was doing was going to make a difference.

And I would look for a way to feel better by doing anything I could to find solace, trying to validate myself in some way. An alcoholic might get drunk but I would just be miserable and either throw myself into my work, physically exhaust myself through exercise or try to look for validation in other people.

This is a slip, and I know that it won't last forever. It's painful when it occurs, almost like a depression. But I have found that the days when I feel really low, are the time that I need to focus on recovery, get to a meeting and practice some positive affirmations. I know that I need to cut myself some slack and not expect things to go the way that I want them.

As I've read, "we can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today."