Are you a hostage?

I am out of the house at last. I'm not held hostage by the cold bug any longer. I'm grateful for that.

So today I went to my first meeting this week. I heard some pain and I heard recovery. All of it was what I needed to hear.

One of the sharings was from someone in an alcoholic marriage. A couple of young children are the innocent ones. One of the adults is a high roller in business, winer and diner of clients, mostly drunk every day. The other adult accompanies the spouse to the wining and dining. A great deal of discomfort ensues. The accompanying spouse doesn't know what to do.

Her questions: "Do I and the children ride in a car with a drunk? Do I continue to go to affairs where the inevitable result is drunkenness? If I don't go with my spouse, I'm told I'm not being supportive and arguments ensue. What do I do?"

I was an emotional hostage in an alcoholic relationship. I rode in the car with my dad when he was drunk and weaving from side to side. I remember the feeling of shame and of not caring whether I lived or died. I also saw my future wife run off the road after a party during graduate school. She wasn't hurt but was angry that I had followed her. I let her drive off and felt helpless. And I've been left at parties in which she's gone into a rage and driven off. I count myself as lucky for that now.

So my own thoughts are:

I no longer will endanger myself or children by riding with a drunk.

I won't go to parties or places in which there is an alcoholic free for all.

I will not allow anyone else to make me feel responsible for their actions or choices.

I accept full responsibility for my actions and not the actions of any other adult.

I trust that whatever obstacles I am dealing with in this life, there are others who have been there and with the help of my HP, I'll find a way to a clear path.

I don't think that anyone deserves to be held hostage in a relationship. No amount of money, ego or guilt is worth the price of living in an emotional cage.

Having boundaries doesn't complicate life; boundaries simplify life.
--Beyond Codependency