Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Tradition Four


Here is Tradition Four in Al-Anon:
Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.

The principle of this tradition is self-government with accountability. The traits that characterize the spirit of this tradition are self-focus (not self-centered) and courtesy.

In the book Paths to Recovery (page 166), this tradition is clarified by a question: "Does this mean that in Al-Anon anything goes as long as the group agrees to it? " Nope. Decisions in Al-Anon need to be made as a group and for the good of the group as a whole. That's why there are group conscious meetings. And why it's important to stay for them.

I like how this tradition applies in personal relationships. There's a lot that it has to offer for families and couples. It requires that I become unselfish and consider how decisions affect "us" rather than how it just affects me.

Yet, I think that the fourth tradition gives relationships freedom. Each person in the relationship is free to choose what they want to do, yet there is also a responsibility to preserve the unity of the relationship as a whole. I can be autonomous without endangering the relationship. Too much autonomy without restraint could cause a lot of damage.

Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person. It means that I can be who I am and not try to mold myself to be what others want me to be. I can still have my goals, desires, and dreams while intertwining them with the goals, desires, and dreams of another. I like the idea of two people being autonomous but working together as a union. Co-dependency isn't healthy and can be terribly restricting. Yet, I've surely been co-dependent most of my life.

Tradition 4 is also about my taking responsibility for my choices. I need to consider the consequences of my actions. The slogan that seems to come to mind is "THINK" and examine my actions before I undertake them. Thinking before acting has been hard for me because I am impetuous. I think but also will plunge ahead with a "damn the torpedoes" type attitude. So I obviously need to remember that I'm not powerless over my brain and can use restraint. That's where maturity comes in.

It seems that when I don't take responsibility, I can blame someone else when things don't go right. I blamed the alcoholic for my self-pity, anger, and misery. I didn't look hard at my actions and what I was doing until I came to Al-Anon.

There's a lot of good stuff to think about with this tradition. Check out Steve's blog Another Sober Alcoholic because he is writing about the traditions of AA and today he is on Numbah Foah. I'm glad that we are doing these at the same time. I don't have his captivating stories but offer what I've come to understand about how these traditions work in meetings and in my life.

13 comments:

  1. I just left Steve's blog. It's so interesting reading both of your perspectives on Tradition 4. Great job Syd. I really enjoyed your insight.

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  2. Accepting responsibility was one of the greatest lessons I learned in AA. If I want to live then I have to take the responsibility that the message I and others hear is a strong, positive message that is in line with the traditions and guidelines. Freedom to do just what "I" want led me to the gutter and it would lead me back there too. Good Post.

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  3. I love this:

    "Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person. It means that I can be who I am and not try to mold myself to be what others want me to be. I can still have my goals, desires, and dreams while intertwining them with the goals, desires, and dreams of another. I like the idea of two people being autonomous but working together as a union. Co-dependency isn't healthy and can be terribly restricting. Yet, I've surely been co-dependent most of my life."

    This is beautiful and a challenge each day to not fall back into that roll again. You really grew a lot .. I hear it your tone. Good for you. And best to you always in your life journey. I identify with you a lot.....since we are the same age (born in the year of the ox); came from alcoholic homes; and a depressed parent; and married and/or been around people who are alcoholics as a grown; ...and what you once said here or another blog comment section (not sure). You said you would NEVER live with active addictions again. I know I won't EVER.

    I think (just my opinion) that we Codies enable the addicts (of whatever substance) to continue because we make it easy for them to have a home base to do so.

    I'm so happy for you that you worked your program and your wife is working her. A truly success story......and gives me hope that my daughter and her boyfriend both get full recovery.. since they talk about marrying someday.. and both should be in program and not go through the whole pain and ordeal.

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  4. The paths to recovery book has proven to be very helpful for me while going over the traditions and steps. I used to say I prefered steps to traditions, but after a few tradition meetings I understand how and why they are just as important as the steps.

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  5. Syd,
    I so dearly love Alcoholics Anonymous and the traditions.

    AND I so very much also love Al-Anon and the traditions.

    Those of us in both programs are called by some 'double-winners'. Well, I believe everyone reading these blogs are 'double-winners' having the traditions being discussed by an AA member and by an Al-Anon member.

    Thanks!

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  6. It's been said. Thanks for your perspective.

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  7. Syd, thank you for the 'plug' (I don't mean the "plug-in-the-jug"). I believe these traditions are SO important to the continuity, the very LIFE of our programs. The traditions--if not 'messed with' or 'watered down' (like some of the steps in certain places) are the saving grace for millions of future sufferers of alcoholism. This includes--as we know--many other than the (lucky?) DRINKERS!

    Thank you for being here for ALL of us!
    Steve E.

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  8. I think the traditions are captivating. I learned a lot from reading today. Thanks.

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  9. I feel like I'm learning a lot from reading your discourses on AlAnon traditions while I an also reading Steve's. I think these aren't given much time in most AA meetings, and it's great to give them more examination.

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  10. I love this post too, I read Steve's earlier today and I enjoyed how you tied it to our personal relationships too,as I said on Steve's blog we don't have a Tradition Group so this is another great way to learn and grow.

    Thank you

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  11. this is great tradition. and you've explained the autonomy vs unity with others beautifully.

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  12. Hi Syd, thanks for visitin and followin my blog. I am an alcoholic as well as an adult child of 2 alcoholics. Nice to meet you.

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  13. Thanks for writing about these. I'm learning a lot.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.