Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Veil of Rejection
I had one of those strange revelations of mind and spirit this morning. I've been ruminating on another break in anonymity that occurred yesterday. Maybe I'll post about it at some point but suffice to say that it's happened twice now by the same person. I'm not happy about it. I'm going to talk to the person who not only broke my anonymity but my wife's and explain as plainly as I can why this isn't a good thing.
With that rolling around in my head last night, I woke up in an out of sorts mood. I wasn't angry as much as feeling low down. It's being F. I. N.E. at it's best--and I'm talking about the F#*ked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional form of F.I.N.E. Old behaviors resurfacing and thoughts projecting all over the place.
I was in the shower when it hit me: I interpret everything through the veil of rejection. And when that revelation went into my head, I rested my forehead against the shower stall and wept. I knew that I had issues with rejection from my Step Four inventory, Step Five, and Step Six. Yet for some reason, the depth of these feelings of rejection and how I've interpreted everything through that lens had never become so clear as this morning. It was overwhelming to admit.
I know that I don't handle situations well that leave me feeling vulnerable and unworthy. I have been lugging around remembrances of rejection for every year that I've lived. I've gone over these old wounds and thought that I had put enough Al-Anon salve on them that they were healed. I don't dwell on the past much and the incidences of rejection aren't something that I stay stuck on. But obviously they still have the power to stop me cold and bring me down.
As I'm writing this I've found that just the realization of this truth about myself makes me feel better. I think God whispered in my ear this morning when the realization hit of how my feelings of rejection have colored my life. God was saying, "It's okay. I know this pain. Let it go. Move forward. Life is a rocky road, but I'm here beside you. "
And in sharing these feelings, they don't seem to have as much power over me. I realize that rejection is an experience, and that I can shift my focus from blaming myself or others to acceptance and realization of my own positive attributes.
I know that I'll get the feelings of rejection again. But I think that the moment of truth that I had this morning helped me to understand that I can own those feelings, let them flow through me, and then realize that I have a choice of whether I'm going to believe the feelings or let them go and move on.