I had one of those strange revelations of mind and spirit this morning. I've been ruminating on another break in anonymity that occurred yesterday. Maybe I'll post about it at some point but suffice to say that it's happened twice now by the same person. I'm not happy about it. I'm going to talk to the person who not only broke my anonymity but my wife's and explain as plainly as I can why this isn't a good thing.
With that rolling around in my head last night, I woke up in an out of sorts mood. I wasn't angry as much as feeling low down. It's being F. I. N.E. at it's best--and I'm talking about the F#*ked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional form of F.I.N.E. Old behaviors resurfacing and thoughts projecting all over the place.
I was in the shower when it hit me: I interpret everything through the veil of rejection. And when that revelation went into my head, I rested my forehead against the shower stall and wept. I knew that I had issues with rejection from my Step Four inventory, Step Five, and Step Six. Yet for some reason, the depth of these feelings of rejection and how I've interpreted everything through that lens had never become so clear as this morning. It was overwhelming to admit.
I know that I don't handle situations well that leave me feeling vulnerable and unworthy. I have been lugging around remembrances of rejection for every year that I've lived. I've gone over these old wounds and thought that I had put enough Al-Anon salve on them that they were healed. I don't dwell on the past much and the incidences of rejection aren't something that I stay stuck on. But obviously they still have the power to stop me cold and bring me down.
As I'm writing this I've found that just the realization of this truth about myself makes me feel better. I think God whispered in my ear this morning when the realization hit of how my feelings of rejection have colored my life. God was saying, "It's okay. I know this pain. Let it go. Move forward. Life is a rocky road, but I'm here beside you. "
And in sharing these feelings, they don't seem to have as much power over me. I realize that rejection is an experience, and that I can shift my focus from blaming myself or others to acceptance and realization of my own positive attributes.
I know that I'll get the feelings of rejection again. But I think that the moment of truth that I had this morning helped me to understand that I can own those feelings, let them flow through me, and then realize that I have a choice of whether I'm going to believe the feelings or let them go and move on.
First, thank you for the support, Syd.
ReplyDeleteAs one who struggles with depression from time to time, I know all too well about wrestling with demons from the past. Kind of hard to win a battle against something that doesn't exist anymore.
I've done enough crying in the shower and yelling at my steering wheel to know what you are going through. Two bits of advice I was given today was1)Let go and let God, and 2)remember that this too, shall pass.
Given time, this veil will rip.
it's weird.
ReplyDeleteI want to relate to this, but even TRYING to makes me feel the ball of fear in my throat.
Syd, thank you for this reminder. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person who struggles with this issue. I can tell you that my perception of you is very different than your own. I don't see you as effed up, insecure or neurotic. You have been a very sound voice of reason that breaks through the insanity of the evil board members in my mind. It takes guts to be so brutally honest...thank you.
ReplyDeleteWow - - - Syd - - - I just re-read your blog on the rejection issue and also that of broken anonymity, both painful experiences, to put it mildly. I also - the 2nd time reading this - noticed that you acknowledged your powerlessness with the practice of Step #1, and immediately retrieved your power in Step #2 by asking for God's help! What a tremendous exercise.
ReplyDeleteI, too,had to learn that Step #1's
powerlessness in the first part was okay to own up to; I just have to remember to NOT let these things make my life unmanageable anymore - thus Step #2 where lies the Power - as in "Higher Power."
I'm sorry about your anonymity being broken; sometimes stupidity on the guilty person's part overrules the 'principles above personalities' - - - but, that is not a good excuse, either. I live 74WIXYgrad's suggestion of "Let Go and Let God, and that Yes, this, too shall pass. It's very hard to become untouchable in the emotion department. After several years in Al-Anon recovery, I must admit that I can get very thin-skinned myself.
Love and hugs,
Anonymous #1
A powerful revelation. This sounds like one of those leapfrog moments, where our soul takes off in a gloriously lightweight leap, into an area of recovery we've only dimly sighted, prior to the gift of insight.
ReplyDeleteA beautiful and moving post, Syd.
I was in a bad place today until I read your blog. I agreed 3 months ago to wait for someone to work through some emotional issues alone. This has been a difficult time and has brought up many self-worth issues for me. After reading this I realize that because of my past rejections I am always preparing myself to be rejected. Instead of realizing my own value. Your blog is very inspiring and like that you do adhere to the program. I am a grateful Alanon.
ReplyDeleteThe pain is always worth the gain.jeNN
ReplyDelete{{{{{{Syd}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteOMG. I So needed to read this today. Are you getting in to my head some how or another. A total paralell. (SP) Love the comment from God.
ReplyDeleteGreat post Syd.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote, "I have been lugging around remembrances of rejection for every year that I've lived. I've gone over these old wounds and thought that I had put enough Al-Anon salve on them that they were healed....But obviously they still have the power to stop me cold and bring me down."
Wow - I've been there, done that, over and over. The longer I'm in recovery, the longer the times between these occurrences, the quicker I get through them, and the more accepting I am of the really "deep" things in me that may never be completely gone.
These moments give me an opportunity to find once again my strength in my weakness and experience victory out of surrender.
PG
Syd...You are in my thoughts and prayers! I am soooo sorry that you and your wife have had this breech of anonymity! This entry made me realize the my issues, including my reaction to my latest loss (relationship) have a lot to do with my feelings of self-worth and rejection too! I must work on that! Thank you for being my angel via this post! I am sooo grateful to have you in my life! Blessings and prayers! Lisa
ReplyDeleteSorry that your experience has been difficult today.
ReplyDeletei sometimes wonder just how freakin ass far down the rabbit hole we REALLY HAVE to go. it's scary sometimes to realize the thoughts we are believing. scary and wonderful at the same time. we can do ANYTHING about THAT which we do not know about. that's what this whole 'gig' is about. jumping feet first and finding out how perfect and good and loving and kind we really really are. the WORST that can happen is that we are believing a thought about ourselves or someone else. that's it. once you get it unraveled the ONE time - it can come again and it doesn't come with as many tears or suffering - but with laughter. and maybe tears of gratitude but not sadness.
ReplyDeletethank you for your honesty and heart.
awe I like what Lisa said. I hope you are seeing this as an awareness and it is good that you are feeling the feelings. For addicts this is affirmation that we will "always" be addicts, and we will always need the program.It is good that you no longer have a denial blanket about rejection, it is hard to deal with members who break anonymity. Learning to speak you mind in a loving and caring way takes practice, and maybe that is what your HP has in mind with that issue.Life is so full of lessons, we just need the open mind to learn them, and the gratitude to appreciate them.
ReplyDeleteyeah i see rejection everywhere too. waking up to these insights can be very moving. weeping is a normal response to these insight sif you have an ounce of compassion for oneself.
ReplyDeleteheres a good trick. ike byron katies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1x03oSZpSI
so you say
'i see everything through the lens of rejection'
well what if the opposite was true?
"i see everything through the lens of inclusion"
and then list examples of that. like that guy does in the u tube.
that makes you weep too, but for kindof different reasons :)
You know what I found out when I did the 4th and 5th was that for me there was a theme that went through my steps and life...that's what keeps cropping up, but now there's awareness, which is great.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about the anonimity issue and hope that it gets resolved.
Hugs
Great, honest post. I think there are some things that persist over time and don't completely get healed. But, we discover how to deal with them, it's part of what we chose this time around.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about this latest breach of anonymity for you and your wife. Take heart, at least you recognized your feelings, dealt with them and actually was able to get some insight into their source in relatively short order. That is why you really FINE rather than F.I.N.E.
ReplyDeleteSyd,WixyGrad mention that you were some one that is a great read,so here I am. I truely hope that you are having a great day my new found friend.
ReplyDeleteI see what you mean about God being busy this morning. Sounds like he was in the right place....
ReplyDeleteI totally understand.
ReplyDeleteoh how i know how you feel. the frustration rooted in the inability to change something. you've expressed yourself so well here. and yes, writing it releases its power. substantiates the true and right. great post!
ReplyDeleteFeelings of rejection taught me about Gods love for me and his ever presence. My feelings of rejection come when I put more store, more faith in the other person or persons. When what I should be doing is putting that faith in God. My need to be liked, accpeted, acknowledge, leads me away from Gods presence. I go off the road we are travelling together, because Im in control. Eventually I have to come back. No matter how rocky the road has been, God has always looked after me. Take care of your self Syd.
ReplyDeleteWhy does our "stuff" always have to be so painful? Why does the pain feel just as bad the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time around?
ReplyDeletesigh.
Thanks Syd. The feeling of rejection is painful and real. I dealt with this earlier in the week and it hurt. You really put this into perspective. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteVery powerful post. Thanks for sharing such deep stuff with us. I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI can so identify -- great post.
ReplyDeleteMary LA
I wanted to (belatedly) say that I love this post. Thanks so much for sharing this vulnerable moment of struggle.
ReplyDelete