Thursday, February 26, 2009

Taking Care of Myself

The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It's a perpetual wound.
--Maureen Duffy

Thanks for the comments you made on yesterday's post. I realize what a great moment it was for me to realize (and get) how much the fear character defect has affected my life. And at the same time, to realize how important it is for me to be spiritually fit in order to work through the fear.

I know that fear of rejection is something that hangs like a shadow in the background of my psyche. It is lonely to live with an alcoholic. For so many years, there was no point in counting on being able to do something together, or to even have "togetherness". It was just plain lonely to not have someone to share things with. And being lonely, as a kid and as an adult, can contribute to having an unmanageable life with a host of character defects.

So part of my growth in Al-Anon is to to know who I am and what I need to do. And knowing who I am means that I have an understanding of the power of those character defects that have been ingrained in me for so long. It takes time to be worthy of self-love. And to realize that instead of rejection, I can look at the flip-side which is acceptance. I don't have to play "hot potato" with the fear, but acknowledge it and realize that it's part of an old tape that occasionally will play in my head.

"We live in one another's company. We grow to yearn for one another's company at a deeper level. The yearning reciprocated, opens the way to a love relationship, a relationship both blessed and torn by intimacies.

It's human to long for love, to want to shower it and receive it. But the pain of waiting for it doesn't match the pain that accompanies its arrival. Love heightens our sensitivities. Any separations, any discrepancies, physical or emotional, wound the partners in love. The pain that accompanies never having something is less than the pain of projected loss after its arrival.

Love should bring only happiness, we mistakenly think. But love, giving it and receiving it, beckons us to bare our souls, to expose our hidden selves. The fear of rejection, the anxiety that we'll be rejected "when they know the real me" is large and looms over our shoulders.

How lucky we are to have this program, these Steps, which if practiced in all our affairs will prepare us for love and loving. They will help us to live with the pain of love, knowing that it increases our humanity - that it deepens our awarenesses and thus, heightens our appreciation of all of life." From
Each Day a New Beginning

Note: I'm trying the hosting on chat over at The Second Road again on Sunday. Hopefully, there won't be glitches this time. So stop by around 8 PM and let's talk about whatever comes up. The topic is open.


  1. hello
    Came here from Cliffs blog.
    Recovery from an addiction is a hard process and I want to offer my congratulations to you and your spouse.
    My in-laws used to be involved with drug and alcohol recovery groups a long time ago and just recently help celebrate a persons 20 year anniversary.

  2. I personally like the appreciation of the whole of life, the ups and the downs. My goal isn't constant serenity, although I'd like my inner core to be peaceful. But I expect the natural course of life to have twists, and be all the richer for its unexpected lessons.

    It's funny how so many people think the right love relationship will solve everything in their life. Or BE their life.

  3. Powerful Syd, and as always so eloquently put the feelings we share. Thank you and thank you as always for sharing! Hugs

  4. Thank you again. I really appreciate what you are writing about.

  5. this post just proves how much you've grown, how far you've come.

  6. Let roadblocks be opportunities for creating, coaching, or convincing.
    Once your change is underway, the next one will probably reveal itself, but if not, look for it! I congratulate you and your spouse on your new changes, new roads ahead, your strengths, I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I have had struggles, fears. You INSIPRE.. Keep Inspiring.. Thanks


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