Taking Care of Myself

The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It's a perpetual wound.

--Maureen Duffy

Thanks for the comments you made on yesterday's post. I realize what a great moment it was for me to realize (and get) how much the fear character defect has affected my life. And at the same time, to realize how important it is for me to be spiritually fit in order to work through the fear.

I know that fear of rejection is something that hangs like a shadow in the background of my psyche. It is lonely to live with an alcoholic. For so many years, there was no point in counting on being able to do something together, or to even have "togetherness". It was just plain lonely to not have someone to share things with. And being lonely, as a kid and as an adult, can contribute to having an unmanageable life with a host of character defects.

So part of my growth in Al-Anon is to to know who I am and what I need to do. And knowing who I am means that I have an understanding of the power of those character defects that have been ingrained in me for so long. It takes time to be worthy of self-love. And to realize that instead of rejection, I can look at the flip-side which is acceptance. I don't have to play "hot potato" with the fear, but acknowledge it and realize that it's part of an old tape that occasionally will play in my head.

"We live in one another's company. We grow to yearn for one another's company at a deeper level. The yearning reciprocated, opens the way to a love relationship, a relationship both blessed and torn by intimacies.

It's human to long for love, to want to shower it and receive it. But the pain of waiting for it doesn't match the pain that accompanies its arrival. Love heightens our sensitivities. Any separations, any discrepancies, physical or emotional, wound the partners in love. The pain that accompanies never having something is less than the pain of projected loss after its arrival.

Love should bring only happiness, we mistakenly think. But love, giving it and receiving it, beckons us to bare our souls, to expose our hidden selves. The fear of rejection, the anxiety that we'll be rejected "when they know the real me" is large and looms over our shoulders.

How lucky we are to have this program, these Steps, which if practiced in all our affairs will prepare us for love and loving. They will help us to live with the pain of love, knowing that it increases our humanity - that it deepens our awarenesses and thus, heightens our appreciation of all of life." From Each Day a New Beginning

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Note: I'm trying the hosting on chat over at The Second Road again on Sunday. Hopefully, there won't be glitches this time. So stop by around 8 PM and let's talk about whatever comes up. The topic is open.