Thanks for your comments yesterday. It has been an interesting 24 hours. I've gone from feeling sad and reflective to having moments of pure joy.
Today I feel a bit used up. Like the photo shows, I am tangled up in my own thinking and bearing a load that I need help carrying.
Suffice to say that my own character defects have been pointed out to me and that I am smarting from being called controlling. Maybe that's what I am. I know that I have a real fear of rejection. So maybe underneath it all, I do want certain things to happen or have certain expectations, and have trust issues.
It just bugs me when my own defects are pointed out while the alcoholic does not acknowledge her own defects. I realize that as hard as I try, there are still some expectations that creep into this relationship.
That seems to be particularly true when things have been going so well for a while. I let my guard down and feel so much love. That's when it seems that I forget that placing so much love on another can be a burden for them. And maybe the love becomes a box.
I'm willing to concede that I make slips. That's why I need Al-Anon and continue to go to a lot of meetings. I am working on changing a behavior that has deep roots. But I also wonder at whether the controlling is all me. Sometimes it seems that there is also controlling that is done in a relationship through defensive behavior or through evasive actions.
I've read that couples can become locked in a power struggle that is reminiscent of a parent/child interaction. One person may be the child and the other the critical parent. If the childlike behavior occurs, then the other half will respond as the critical parent. And by acting like the parent, then the other half will act out more as the spoiled child. Once again, here is where it becomes important for each person to take responsibility for their sides in this. And to effect change by stop trying to change each other and change yourself.
These are some heavy musings for today. It just makes me realize how much further there is to go in working on myself. And in letting go of the other person.