Wednesday, April 15, 2009
"God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open." Hazrat Inayat Khan
I remember the aching heart that I had from breaking up with my first love. It felt as if my heart was being wrenched from me. We were young but the feelings were no less intense.
I think that my heart broke again when my parents died. I was now an orphan with no one standing between me and my own death. I thought at the time that there was no one left who would love me unconditionally.
My heart broke once again when I knew finally that my wife was an alcoholic. When she and I were having so many difficulties, it felt as if nails were being pounded into my heart.
Each time I tried to close up the wound that had been opened. I wanted to somehow put back together the broken pieces of myself. Yet, I knew that I had been changed in my viewpoint, that I no longer really felt free to be as open to others.
I've found that closing myself off and trying to wall away others only makes me more broken. The lesson I've learned is to be open to what comes my way. It may be more heart break, it may be infinite joy and wonderment. It's by opening up to experience those things that I fear most, that I can truly find who I am and celebrate that.