Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The other Three C's


“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie

I was with my qualifier all weekend, either doing something fun or working on a project for the boat. We never used to be able to work on any project together. I either felt criticized for what I was doing, or I was busy taking her inventory and condemning right back.

There were moments when we were discussing the boat project yesterday that I wanted to criticize or offer an opinion in an impatient manner. It's easy to lapse into the old pattern of thinking that I have a quick solution and to not listen to what the other person has to say. When either of us begins to condemn mentally and speak critically, it signifies that I've bought back into the idea that I'm right and my wife is failing my expectations.

But being critical, complaining and condemning is not going to motivate her or anyone else to change. I have learned over the years in a professional capacity that destructive criticism isn't much appreciated. Being critical can evoke feelings of tension, resentment, and hurt. Criticism can cross the line to condemnation that puts a person on the defensive and wounds self-esteem. It isn't a good way to increase morale. And that's because no matter how logical criticism may seem, we humans are not creatures of logic but creatures of emotion.

So I've come to understand that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut rather than to criticize, condemn and complain. That seems to fit with taking full responsibility for my attitude, and I like that as well.

Fortunately, it helps to be involved in a program that tells me not to change what others are doing or thinking. Who am I to tell another that “what you’re doing is wrong”? I may think that I have a better way, but do I?

I've also found that when I am complaining, condemning and criticizing, I'm wanting others to fix a problem without contributing anything myself. I was once in a meeting in which a colleague would repeatedly say, "No, I don't like that idea". He would say this over and over when something would come up on the table for discussion. Yet, he never offered a solution--not once. Eventually, the meeting became more and more unproductive because resentments built, people quit listening, and others felt it was pointless to make any more recommendations that would meet with more criticism.

So, at times like these, in a relationship of any kind, I've found it most helpful to be tactful and open-minded. I can ask for a compromise or that someone consider another viewpoint. And in my marriage, I've learned that if I don't fall back into my fears and remain open to trust, then it's likely that what is said won't be taken as a complaint, condemnation, or criticism and be perceived as just a statement of the problem.

And there's another option as well. I don't have to approve of everything or find a positive side to every situation. I can still say "No thank you" and explain my reasons. I can also write out my complaints in my journal. It seems that setting them down on paper puts things in a different light. And then I don't have to voice them out loud.

Thankfully, we were able to complete the boat project without either of us getting angry. We worked towards the solution and added in a lot of humor as we worked. And in the end, there was a sense of accomplishment, happiness and celebration. Not bad for a day's work.

25 comments:

  1. Really great post! I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing it.

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  2. I needed this today. Thank you.

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  3. Great post.
    But as you stated, "minding my own business" does not mean approving or accepting things that don't feel right. But we can state our needs in a non confrontational or critical manner.

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  4. It is amazing what we can do when we think before we speak.

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  5. i am getting much better and just being quiet.

    I read something recently too, that just has me really looking inside.

    it was...(paraphrased) when we judge others our judgement is something we don't like in ourselves. So everytime I feel like I am being judgemental, I am thinking about what it is in me that I am not liking.

    something like that. :)

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  6. A thoughtful, insightful post.

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  7. This was a great post and much appreciated.

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  8. Just the way it should be. Strange enough I had a similar discussion with someone last night. Hopefully he can see being constantly criticizing isn't going to accomplish much between us. (Hugs)Indigo

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  9. Superb Syd. I want to have good memories, so maybe I need to stay quiet once in a while. Can you remember what you exploded at your partner for this time last year. I can't with me. Not even one month ago or 2 weeks. Maybe I never criticised, may be I kept quiet. The thing is, all these times I want to explode or tell someone where they are going wrong, I just can't remember them today. That is how important they were.

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  10. Thanks for your honesty. It's hard for me to 'notice without judgement', whether that judgement is aimed at myself or others. It's a lot to unlearn. I must still like that zing of superiority too much to be 'entirely' ready to give up that defect.

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  11. Syd, you made me smile today....just wanted to let you know. oh and, great post too.
    -Marcia

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  12. Wow, Syd! I was sitting here, leisurely reading your blog post today, when I realized how very much you have changed, from a similar experience with your spouse a year ago. It's really very enlightening to actually watch a person - through such writing - make such profound changes. As I keep hearing in the rooms of Al-Anon - - - "keep coming back." Or, stick with the program till the miracle happens. Congratulations on such growth! Hugs, Anonymous #1

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  13. For me, this one of your best posts. Very good points. I fear I still need to work on some of these; and probably will for the rest of my life.

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  14. Oh yes, I definitely can use work in this area...but I do think it through a lot more now a day. Another place where I try and use constructive comments and even coaching is work. When someone working for me isn't up to par, the first thing I wonder is what can I do better to help that person achieve what we need to achieve.

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  15. Syd, reading your post today I thought, "I want what he has". I find myself wondering if Al-Anon and working the program is the answer. I keep telling myself if there was only a noon meeting close to me I'd go, but I just can't go in the evenings. I tell myself maybe an Al-Anon type meeting at a church would fit me better, but there isn't any close by during the day. Yet I want what you have gained through the program. I have learned so much from your blog and others here. Thank you for giving me hope.

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  16. Such a great point you make here. The quote goes perfect with the post.

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  17. Syd, I needed this too today. It has strengthened me in my belief that the way I am going is good ... not right ... but good. I have also always had problems feeling criticised by others and in due course criticising back in a hurtful manner. Now I just try and put myself in the other persons place, and it gives me a different view point. Thanks!!

    Fishy x

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  18. you two have reached a good place.

    and please come collect something my side...

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  19. Sometimes people are looking out for your good when they criticize. Those are the ones who do it out of love.

    There are others who live to criticize. Those are people who I describe as "looking at the world through crap colored glasses."

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  20. Syd,
    This was a really good post. I need to keep some of these things in mind, because both my husband and I have forceful personalities, and we are having a lot of issues getting along right now.

    I need to remember that I can keep my mouth shut and that I am not required to air every criticism.

    Thank you for the post.

    Love,

    SB

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  21. GOOD day! I laugh every time I hear the word "qualifier" because I realize now I was my own worst and best qualifier. I thought at first that I needed to be qualified by someone else in my life, but the truth is, they and others in my life have been the excuse I used for every decision I've ever made. I never just took full responsibility for a decision...it was always because, in spite of, to prove, in anticipation of, someone else's ideas, conceptions or experiences...

    Thanks very much for continuing to be one of the bright lights of experience that I read and take to heart.

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  22. wonderful writings Syd, Humour is such great medicine, isn't it. I have had many times in my life that I have had humour make my day so worth while. I am glad it worked for both of you. SMILES

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  23. I needed to read this post today Syd. I need to embrace forgiveness and the idea that I can't change the other person. Great post as usual.

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