Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Restraint of tongue and pen


"Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic." Step 10. From 12 x 12

I am learning restraint and have been for several years. Yet, there are still times that I want to unload with both barrels of a verbal tirade. There are many times when I can feel what I perceive as injustice, lack of respect, and just plain selfishness from another inviting me to let go of all restraint.

I have read that reactivity is a mindless, thoughtless reflex and involves the least evolved, most primitive parts of us humans. Restraint on the other hand is equated with thoughtful, conscious self-control and indicates better ego functioning. All very true. But there are moments when the primitive parts of myself are fighting with the more civilized me. It would be so easy to let the beast within win.

I think that I've always been a sensitive person. I know that I'm an intuitive person. I can feel a slight in the air almost like a dog can air scent his beloved human. This hypersensitivity has created a lot of problems in relationships over my life time. It's because I knew that I was being told lies, I knew that the promises were going to be broken, I knew that something unpleasant was going to occur.

And yet, I generally didn't go into an external rage. I wasn't a dish thrower, a verbal abuser, or a trafficker in sarcasm. Instead, I practiced restraint. I would try to rationalize, and yes, deny what I was really feeling. But my restraint only went so far. Instead of voicing my displeasure and binging on an emotional outburst, I would opt to be the wounded victim, the self-righteous martyr. Rather than confront a situation directly, I would give the silent treatment. And all the while inside I was fuming, wanting to release the tiger from the cage.

I still do some of that manipulative self-righteous fuming. But I have also learned to speak up in a rational and reasonable way when something really bothers me. I generally think about what is going on, what I feel, look at what my role is, and make a decision whether it is important enough (How important is it?) to speak up about. Often times if I have a "cooling off" period and detach from the situation, I decide that the affront wasn't really about me. I don't know the intentions of another and what is going on with them. Maybe they are just having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year, a bad life.

If I do decide to speak up about something, then the approach that I now use is to be direct and say what is bothering me: e.g. "I am uncomfortable about....". I think that a measured approach rather than the shotgun blast approach is less messy and isn't tinged with regret later. Because once out of my mouth, I've found that the indignant rage will deflate me faster than a pin stuck in a balloon. I feel blown apart, without any energy or purpose.

There are lots of triggers that can sabotage self-restraint when it comes to personal relationships. I know that I don't want to swing from one extreme to the other by either reacting too much or restraining myself too much. I strive for balance and awareness. Hopefully, those will take me on the higher road to kindness.

25 comments:

  1. In Survival to Recovery intro to the 4th step it talks about how we as children living in a uncertain environment we learn to anticipate the feelings or needs of others. This makes us ultra sensitive which is good and bad. This is what came to mind when I read your post today. The problem for me is that sometimes having the extra sensitivity makes me think too much and causes me unnecessary pain. The other person may not have thought about it again and I have carried it around for hours or maybe days. Is the sensitivity a good thing or is it a skill that no longer serves us except to drain our spirits. Does it matter if they are lying to us or to themselves? Is it up to us to point this out to them? For me I have to pick and choose the times when something will directly affect me to say something. Before I just wanted to let them know that they hadn't pulled something over on me. My ego couldn't just let it go. If I think I will have a resentment I say something if I can truly let it go I stay silent. This doesn't work all the time but it is better than being a doormat or martyr. You always give me a lot to think about.

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  2. Awesome post Syd. I am a sensitive person as well. As you put it I can feel it in the air when something is about to occur. This too has caused many problems for me in the past. I am slowly learning how to say what I mean, mean what I say, although not to say it in a mean way. Sometimes though the tiger does creap out.

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  3. ditto...all of the previous comment....and I need to work on my restraint so much, especially lately...I am fuming and my mouth is firing off those flames. Then I feel worse...*deep breath*!

    great post and so needed for me today, thanks!

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  4. great post. im a big fan of restraint. I wish I had will power of steel! I would love to be totally unflinching when i set my mind to something. but i never seem to have enough of the stuff :)

    Many do not grasp the distinction between repression and restraint. Using the blurry distinction to justify a desire to punish by acting out in some way. it is possible to have watertight restraint with zero percent repression. its just about staying aware of what is going on. even if what is going on is an internal 'whirlwind' of curtailed desire to punish. staying aware and welcoming the experience avoids repression.

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  5. Great post, Syd. I used to use the "shotgun blast approach," and it increased my self-loathing a hundredfold.
    Today, I work to speak in "I" statements, and to practise restraint.

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  6. Great post Syd. I was always a very passive person, but recovery has brought out all kinds of emotions in me that I am not used to facing up to and it's really difficult to avoid conflict at times- I am a strong believer in compassion both for the self and for others and that is what gets me through those moments without resorting to being ruled by my feelings in the heat of the moment.

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  7. You've given me a lot to think about in this post. As Anonymous said in his/her comment, growing up in an unstable environment teaches people to anticipate reactions, which, personally, led me to be more sensitive and hyper-aware of others. In addition, this causes me to make assumptions about how others feel (which never usually goes well). Thanks for writing this. I'm going to read it a few more times before I move on because it's such a great post.

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  8. This is "ME"!! Everything about it and the responses.....

    I think I need to write it on my hand as a cheat sheet and break it out everytime I want to open my mouth!!

    I have never held my tongue. I always lashed out. Al-Anon taught me how to not respond but I have a very difficult time repressing and not having resentments!! My desire was to punish and my defense mechanism was always with words!!

    I appreciate the response that say's it was my ego that can't let it go....that is truly what this is and I really need to work on this!!

    Thanks again for your post!!

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  9. With all due restraint, I find I must speak my mind and say "good post."

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  10. Holy Cow! I'm going to read your post several times over! Goodness, you got me several times there! Thank GOD for Al Anon! What would we ever do? It's hard to imagine going back, isn't it? I guess I don't have to imagine as I have wonderful (sarcasm)relapses every day. Progress not perfection. BTW, your comment about refinishing the wood. I do that too. I have some marvelous family pieces in my home that will NEVER be touched with a paintbrush. My 72 yr. old mother would chase me down and spank me! I do paint the things that go outdoors on our covered deck or covered patio. Nebraska is too crazy with weather to do otherwise. HAVE a great rest of the day!

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  11. In my culture, anger is equated with idol worship. (meaning it's really, really bad).

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  12. Once again loving your write of the day. I wish you would write a book lol. It would be one I would not want to put down and anxiously await the next publish. You sure keep my thinking cap ON.. SMILES

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  13. Once again great post, it's so easy just to let your self restraint go and just go with what's running through your mind at a million miles an hour.

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  14. I was a dish throwing, verbally abusive person for way too many years. These days I practice restraint and am much more peaceful for it. Just tonight I lay in bed and talked to God about my hurt feelings and what I wanted to do/say and asked for the grace to keep myself open. It's getting easier to speak my feelings while not trying to put the onus on someone else that I have them. Some days it comes easier than others. Today was one of purposefully choosing restraint.
    Thanks for the great post.

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  15. Me too......super sensitive. It has gotten better over time and with growth in the program.

    It is probably one of my greatest deficits causing me so much pain and at the same time has become a great blessing.

    Restraint of tongue and pen has improved with time in the Al-Anon program.

    Great post. Thanks!
    Prayer Girl

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  16. Syd, thanks for expanding on my post from yesterday. You beautifully brought it all out. I luvs me some 12x12.

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  17. I have always been sensitive too. But not always so intuitive....often I'm just plain wrong. I think that is the stinking thinking. Thankfully the "beast within" loses the battle more often than not and restraint saves me from myself.

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  18. Great post, Syd. I never had a problem with restraint of pen and tongue. I simply failed to recognize that I was being wronged and assumed I had somehow earned whatever treatment I was getting. However, some part inside of me knew that I deserved better and that I should be handling things differently. So, I was a big mess of unacknowledged repressed anger turned inward, destroying myself for any wayward feelings of ire or resentment that I didn't believe I should feel.

    I'm so glad I've figured out a better way. Now no one gets hurt and my booze tab has gone down to zero. ;)

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  19. your method is excellent. somehow i've always been able to do that in all my relationships, except my personal ones... at work and with friends, i'm straight-forward, calm, thought-through, fair, aware, know exactly what outcome i want and how to go about getting it. why it's so hard to apply in my personal relationship, i just don't quite understand...

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  20. I had an incident with an AA friend last week where I was inwardly thanking my HP for making me aware that my willingness to give up certain defects of character had been granted, was in effect and in play. It was a brief transaction where my friend made an 'I' statement to me and I respected and accepted his statement for what it was. I thought about this deeply all week because for a few moments I was in a head where my friend became my Qualifier and I could have chosen to act with my friend the way I had always acted with my qualifier in the past. I didn't realize I was practicing self-restraint. The incident with my friend became an 'event' to talk over with my sponsor but in a celebratory way. My friend and I both made 'I' statements to each other. There was no sulking or any other kind of dreadful silent treatment or repressed hurt feelings within me or between us. Later, I had a sponsor to work out some of the deep feelings of the past that I was feeling that didn't directly concern my friend but were about me dealing with my parents as a child. I'm grateful for Alanon and thank you so much for this post.

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  21. i think i'll print this up and carry it around in my pocket..excellent examples and so like me.

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  22. There is so much I want to say but find myself suppressing it and that is hard sometimes Syd.
    I always want to put the world right, I still want to be in control, your post has reminded me the value od patience and letting things go, thanks syd.
    Just at work had my fish butty and I reckon I will have a good blogging session tonight when I get home, bowling again on Saturday

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  23. Syd,
    As usual, this was a very helpful post. I keep reminding myself that I can be angry with someone and still say what I have to say with respect. I don't need to hold it in and then blow up.

    Love,

    SB

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  24. Syd - lovely article but I must confess that the whole thing of how I respond inappropriately and what is rational and useful (to myself and others) has a lot more to do with my dishonesty to myself. ...still plagues me to this day (with 25 years in AA and some time in Alanon).
    I have to let my higher power work in these areas...
    Blessings and aloha...

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  25. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. Against these I must be always on guard. It's one of my favorite defense mechanisms.

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