Thursday, August 27, 2009

Communication

Today's meeting was a a good one with the topic on communication. This is particularly apropos because of discussions with a sponsee who is feeling invalidated, unheard and unseen.

He is doing what I used to do--apologize for every thing, even when there was nothing to apologize about. I've since learned that apologizing constantly is a form of self-pity. Admitting my wrongs through a spot inventory is a good thing, but I don't need to apologize for the wrongs of others as well.

My sponsee was telling me how his feelings are hurt by the insensitivity and silence of the alcoholic in his life. For me, during the first year of our recovery, I had to essentially "take what I liked and leave the rest". I had to find peace and contentment within myself.

My sponsee is having a hard time not being able to share heartfelt concerns or feelings, or discussions about problems in the relationship. He wants his SO to show that she cares by listening, validating him, giving him some time, and to show concern when he speaks and talks.
His complaint is that his SO seems consumed with self and that her issues do not negate the need for validation, empathy, or communication. He is tired of trying to reason things out and getting little response which in turn leads to his feeling miserable.

This is the terrible dance that we do around an alcoholic loved one. She moves away, so I move forward. A solution that I found helpful was to not have expectations that another cannot fulfill. In the early months of my wife's recovery I had to learn to find peace and contentment by talking to my sponsor, by firming up my belief in a power greater than myself, and by doing what I could to not obsess over another person.

This wasn't an easy thing to do. In fact, I wasn't very successful at it for a long time. And I can still allow an expectation to ruin my day. But eventually, I learned that I could not get what I needed from another person, especially one who was having trouble loving herself.

So I had to work the program and look inside myself. I had to face up to what was reality as opposed to what I should have in a relationship. I needed to decide what I was willing to live with and accept and what I could not live with. Sometimes it does come down to thinking, "OK, this is what I can live with, imperfect as it is" or "No, this just won't do".

I know that I was blinded by what I thought a good relationship "should" be. With a lot of painful work, I came to understand that my joy, fulfillment, and even serenity could be found in many different ways. Not all of it needed to come from my wife. I came to accept that being angry with her for not being how I wanted her to be was grossly unfair. I don't need to take everything personally and punish someone else for not giving me what I want.

Gradually, we have come to a place where we can tell each other how we feel. And that includes saying things like, "I need to be by myself for a little while." Or "I am feeling anxious and out of sorts right now." I like being able to communicate honestly without being punitive.

23 comments:

  1. I'm a walking apology -- apologizing for everything, including my existence. :)

    Great post, Syd
    Sue

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  2. The hardest lesson I had to learn was to allow myself to feel what i'm needing to feel. I just blogged this today in fact.

    I can announce without guilt, "i need 5 to myself". It has saved me a lot of heartache in doing so & my hubs a lot heartache in thinking he may have done something wrong.

    I have to constantly remind him recovery is fulltime all the time. It helps him to understand.

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  3. From the alcoholics view, Syd, I can tell you that the first year of sobriety is pure hell. It IS a time of self absorbtion and is very difficult on the rest of the family...or the spouse or SO. Your advice to hold fast and not to expect too much is critical. I've seen so many reunitings but they were all hard won...not easy for either partner.

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  4. Boy do I know his pain. Wanting an emotionally available partner. alcoholism destroys that possibility. The sooner that is accepted, the easier life becomes.
    as for apologizing for things not MY fault...ewwwww...you got me on that one. Was supposed to attend a special work event today, but instead came down with dreaded head cold and migrine. What did I say to my boss "Im so sorry Im not there"!! Grrrr...the codie in my lives!

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  5. It is really difficult to communicate anything to a person in active addiction. As a matter of fact, I found that when my son was high, I did not communicate at all but waited until he was not high to state my point and set my boundaries. Boundaries has always been the biggest issue with me. I set them. Let down my guard for a moment and bang, the boundaries are crossed or broken. I especially have to be mindful about this in my profession especially when dealing with the younger population because the mother in me comes out. Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries are so important to communicate. As far as your sponsee, it sounds like he is struggling with alot of emotions especially feelings of low self-esteem/poor self worth. I guess it is time for him to give up the control and lower his expectations as well as not personalize the behaviors of the addict. Ok I believe I said enough. Sorry Syd.

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  6. I also used to apologize for EVERYTHING, especially things that didn't even involve me. It is a tough road to let go of expectations of ourselves and others and I can also still allow expectations to ruin my day, but not near as often. Really great post!

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  7. The same feelings are true with a child. I wanted a "normal" family. Big happy Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. The family sitting around discussing the classics together, etc. I was angry with my son, I felt he took the family image away. Now I value my family, with all it's flaws. I could care less about image.

    Oh, and I don't take it personally anymore!

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  8. Syd not long ago I wrote about how I apologized for everything, like I felt as a door mat for strangers and family and friends... I am sure glad that has passed...

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  9. In early sobriety I felt like I making amends all the time. I realized it was from a place of embarrassment about my past behavior, and needing acceptance.

    Just like you are saying, it has taken deliberation to be fluid with my boundaries and avoid expectations.

    Thanks Syd, great post.

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  10. Excellent post today. Communication is one of my weak points in relationships with my friends, family, and loved ones and I feel like I have to work on it constantly. You've brought up some great points but one I love is coming to terms with just being open with our feelings and telling others what is going on inside of us. For some reason that seems so scary to me, but it really is the best way to relate to others.

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  11. Wow, I had never thought of apologizing as being a form of self pity but it is! Thanks for opening my eyes to this. I do this all the time! As I read this I couldn't help but think that your sponsee is fortunate to have such a seasoned and wise sponsor.

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  12. I have had a few sponsees who apologized for everything, all the time, at the drop of a hat. You describe this as a form of self-pity. I agree.

    I remember telling them that every time they wanted to make an apology, they should call me first and run it by me. We would discuss whether an apology was appropriate or not.

    They needed to become aware. It worked. It helped.

    PG

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  13. GREAT post Syd! I so get it! I'm not far down the road from wanting those around me to be what I need them to be. Lou and Cat's comments could've been made by me. I just started up a new Al Anon meeting in Omaha...the people there so fare are real new to recovery. It's a bit intimidating to me but, they're learn it bit by bit like I did..it's not up to me.

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  14. Thank you for this article.

    I relate, well...

    Blessings and aloha...

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  15. I have to work on the apology thing.... I appreciate your insight also, about finding joy, fulfillment and serenity in many ways, and not all of it needs to come from a partner. I need that reminder often!

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  16. this post was just the thing i needed to read before bedtime. i had a difficult evening and now have some insight as to why... expecting others to give me peace and happiness is a recipe for resentment

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  17. That idiotic handwringing and trying to take responsibility for what is not one's fault -- so often that placating and soothing and apologising just masks self-pity and passive-aggressive attitudes. As if the person is saying: 'I know I can't make this right and it is really your fault anyway but I am going to keep the attention on me no matter how pathetic and absurd you find me.'

    Such a painful posture, so inauthentic. We do go there when we are not able to see clearly.

    Another great post Syd.

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  18. should's are a nightmare. as they build false expectations. it's best to move and shuffle, try then try something different if it doesn't work, feel and find the way things work, for both people. together.

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  19. Brilliantly written post Syd. I have so much identification, particularly with my behaviour around seeking attention and affirmation, especially by apologising. Yes it was expectations of others and things that caused the damage, and that spread like a virus thorugh out my life and into others. It colours everything.

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  20. I am one who seems to apologize way to much, I know it is an insecurity for me. Please and sorry became to much a part of my vocab,,

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  21. Someone who is overly apologetic is a red flag for me. So much so that I have to check that I make apologies when appropriate. That stuff can go both ways.

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  22. Super post. Great Communication. You sharing your strength hope and experience especially in regards to relationship with an alcoholic is so helpful to me in relationship to mine. I'm glad for this sharing today & for the reminder of what's really important; it's given me a boost in letting go some growing expectations.

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  23. for some reason I didn't read this until today, and that was the perfect time. funny how that works.

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