Thursday, October 1, 2009
I think that you know me
You know who I am. You're just pretending that I don't exist. I've been around you for all of your life.
I watched you cry when you were young. I saw the discomfort on your face. I once beat you for waking me up from a nap. I criticized you. I saw how you slipped away to a quiet spot, any place away from me.
I remember that you used to laugh and want to be around me. Then as awareness took hold, you became wary of me. You knew but were too young to fully understand what was happening and what I was doing.
As you grew up, moved away and began a life of your own, you saw the effects of my cunning in lots of situations. You saw people vomit, you watched them stumble, you heard them try to talk, to make sense when they were senseless. Yet, you held true to yourself. You didn't let me in fully or embrace me.
Then, you made a decision one day to live your life with one of my disciples. At first, you were in love, living a fantasy. Then the ugly truth took hold but still you didn't believe in my power. You simply thought that your own power was greater than mine.
I knew that I would beat you down. But it took a lot of years. You were strong and willful. You still believed that love would make a difference. What you didn't realize was that love isn't important to me. I'm too wrapped up in myself, I'm too angry, too filled with anxiety, too messed up to appreciate your love.
I liked to make promises to you because you so easily believed them. I made you sick at heart, sick in your soul. It took me years to do it but I succeeded in beating you down. I saw that I had claimed another victim.
And just when I thought that I had you totally in my clutches, you cried out that you needed help. You walked away from me and did what you could to fill your heart and soul with joy, gratitude, hope, and faith.
I still try to get to you. At times I succeed but now you have developed defenses against me. You have found a Power that is greater than you and than me. But just remember--I am waiting for you. I am still around. I look for a chink in your armor, a weakness in your soul. And I will claim you again if you aren't vigilant.
I think that you know me. My name is alcoholism.