I have been feeling a bit down over the past few days. I started to get the focus off myself and onto the alcoholic. Plus, I wasn't feeling so great physically because of having a cold. These things in concert are a recipe for me to slip into old behaviors.
I had planned a special weekend getaway in the mountains of North Carolina for the two of us. It is peak leaf time in mid October. I made a lot of calls only to find that everything was booked up. But I happened to call a place that I really liked and the owner told me that I was in luck. There had been a cancellation five minutes earlier. So I was so happy to be able to reserve a farmhouse by a stream.
I was bursting with enthusiasm when I told the plans to my SO. She was quiet and didn't say anything except...."Well, I'm not so sure that I want to go to the mountains." I explained about the cabin and how lucky it was to get a reservation. She then said, "Well, maybe the idea will grow on me."
I didn't try to convince her but said, "Okay, let me know what you would like to do." I mentally gave her until yesterday to let the idea "grow" on her. When she didn't say anything, other than she was looking forward to an oyster roast in February, I called yesterday and canceled the reservations.
I had let my enthusiasm for something that I thought would be romantic and fun build into an expectation. It felt good to let the expectation go. Perhaps there will be something else that she will want to do. Perhaps not.
Regardless of what another wants to do, I have choices about what I want to do. Most importantly, I can choose to not be miserable.
I realize that there is an abundance of great things in my life. I have an abundance of friends, an abundance of spirit, abundant love, abundant enthusiasm. And I'm surrounded by an abundance of beauty that is manifesting in the bluest of skies and the golden light shining on the water.
I realize that my spiritual abundance needed a boost. I found that in the noon meeting yesterday and through prayers of gratitude last night. Just as Walt Whitman wrote, "I celebrate myself, and sing myself". I feel abundantly okay today.