I wanted to write a happy post today that was filled with some good old fluff. But I can't really fool any of you. It is hard to come back to work after a magical weekend. It is hard to get reports done and to deal with stuff when my mind is wandering back to wooded trails and sandy beaches. But I am lucky enough to be at this job for 15 more weeks. And during that time, I have a lot of transitioning to do. So I had best suck it up and get used to it. I had a tough meeting with a sponsee today. He has started the fourth step. He is where I used to be--not seeing my part, not wanting to admit when I was wrong, judging others, blaming the alcoholic. He feels as if he is a failure and sees things as right versus wrong. I sound like the proverbial broken record, trying to get him back to a place of compassion and to seeing that each of us has a part when resentments are born. I know that he was angry at me for pointing out that I don't have to participate in every fight and fulfill every expectation that gets tossed my way. If it doesn't have my name on it, I don't pick it up.
I understand that the fourth step is a hard one. It made me stop trying to fool myself. It helped me to come clean about a lot of things that I didn't want to think about. But at some deep level, I understood that it wasn't about whether I was right or wrong. I had accepted that my Higher Power wasn't judging me. I was judging me. And once I began to forgive myself, quit trying to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear, and kept my own truth, then I began to see that the fourth step wasn't really hard at all. It was a revelation.
Everything I am learning from each of you, my sponsor, my sponsees, meetings, and literature shows me that I am much better off by not assuming that my reality may necessarily be what another is experiencing. My default setting happens to be one that can slide into criticism and judgment. Mustering up some compassion and empathy goes a long way when dealing with people in general, not just alcoholics. And what I've found is that when I choose to take the high road in situations it is often the result of having taken the low road at an earlier turn along the path.
It took me months to get the fourth step completed to be able to move on to step five. My sponsor is patient and firm and no matter how much I kept trying to kid myself she brought me back to do the work right. I am so grateful for step four....Hard work for me but amazing results. Life changing.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your sponsee and to you. I am daily working on being more accepting and owning what is mine...
ReplyDeleteI can see why it would be hard.Every step you talk about I try and relate it to me ...and fail at each one.
ReplyDeleteCan you do 'the steps' at home alone? Would they be relevant even though husband doesn't live here anymore?
I'm sure lots of people would benefit from practising these.
Thank you once again for making me 'think' hard. :0)
I'm sure you are a great sponsor. I don't feel anywhere near ready to do that (not that anyone has asked).
ReplyDeletewhooopppppeeeee!
ReplyDeleteSelf-examination seems to terrify most of us, but once we've started, and seen the amazingly positive results it has in our lives, it becomes a tool for growth and movement. Great post.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing, syd. a random guy once said to me, "don't always believe what you think." that thought has saved my life.
ReplyDeleteI was nearly 5 years sober when I finally got sick enough to be willing to do a fearless and thorough moral inventory. I've since seen many who were not granted the grace that I was. I hope your friend gets the help he needs soon.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and aloha.
I'm on step 2 and your post has me looking forward to step 4. I really want to know more about my part. It took me many months to complete step 1 because my husband hid his drinking and I had some level of denial and could not see it. It was many months of simply accepting that this was real. Thanks for the encouragement
ReplyDelete15 weeks - woo hooo!
ReplyDeleteI think your sponsee (all of them that will cross your path) is very blessed to have someone as patient, wise and compassionate. Its good that you remember what is was like for you back then.
I'm in the middle of my fourth. It's been tough - dragging all the stuff out that I work so hard to forget. I like what you said: "each of us has a part when resentments are born." It's been good for me to take the next step in sorting out what's mine and what's not. thanks Syd.
ReplyDeleteSo often when I listen to judgmental statements, I now hear that self-punitive voice hidden below the surface -- I can't forgive myself so how can I forgive you?
ReplyDeleteCompassion -- your post is full of it.
your sponsee is fortunate to have the opportunity to practice the Steps and work through his stuff with someone who's been down the road and lives the program. I'll say a little prayer for you guys!
ReplyDeletePeople who have been down these roads have so much more compassion than those who don't understand that they have - (but they usually have anyway).
ReplyDeleteWise post, Syd. I'm not into work this week either. The weekend can't come soon enough.
ReplyDelete"when I choose to take the high road in situations it is often the result of having taken the low road at an earlier turn along the path."
ReplyDeleteThat is a statement that only can come about from a fearless and honest look inward. Your sponsee is in good hands. I can be a slow learner too..He'll get there if he is tired of being where he is stuck now. I'll pray.
namaste
self examination is hard. But the reward is huge
ReplyDelete