Thursday, January 7, 2010
When the time is right
Yesterday, I had a killer headache and decided to take a sick leave day and just lie on the couch in front of a fire. I did some work on a report, read and commented on some blogs, and took a long nap.
It was nice to be home and to talk with my wife who rarely slows down. Most of the time, she is busy working on something--writing, reading, cooking, gardening, going to meetings, and so on. She seemed to be delighted that I was home.
There used to be a time that I would hear the clink of glasses in the kitchen and know that she wasn't measuring out spices for a recipe but instead measuring out wine for the daily anesthesia. The tension was always in my gut. Just as she would numb herself with wine, I would numb myself through self pity and sadness and try to energize myself through self-righteous anger.
We have both come a long way together. I think that in spite of all the terrible things that we have thought and said to each other, there is a lasting commitment. How does one explain that over the long haul, there is solidity in spite of all the things we have said and done?
I wonder sometimes if we have stayed together because we are hopeless co-dependents. Or perhaps we stayed together because the fear of leaving and change is overwhelming. But something tells me that there is a greater reason for being committed to this imperfect life together.
So maybe it's not about me, her or the fears about alcoholism and loss. Maybe this is about something bigger than both of us. I see this as another example of God's grace because surely many people would have called it quits after these many years.
We have chosen to commit to recovery and with recovery we have found renewed commitment for each other. And I think that the miracle is that we didn't commit to this course of action before we were ready. If we had merely tried, I don't believe that either of us would have gotten help.
Instead, the timing had to be right. There had to be enough misery, enough fear, enough resentment for me to be ready to listen, be willing, and surrender.
The timing had to be right for me to seek a Higher Power, to ask for guidance and to remove the blinders from my eyes.
The timing had to be right for me to recognize that there is a solution.
The timing had to be right for me to be ready to commit.