Sunday, April 11, 2010

Do you know me?

Hello, have we met before? If not let me tell you a little about myself. I don't share myself with just anyone. I pick only a chosen few who will appreciate me, and then, only if the timing is perfect. I have chosen you. For people like you are very special to me because it is your kind who are perceptive to my many talents. You'll be very anxious to know me better, and as soon as we touch, the physical attraction between us soars. We'll continue our encounter, with me leading you down a path of pure physical exhilaration, and you'll beg for more.

At first our attraction will be purely physical, but you must realize that this is a very important phase of our relationship. Be confident that it will grow into something much deeper. I am. As we get to know each other better, you'll learn to come to me with your problems: For not only will I help you with them, but I will also take away their deep pain. I'll give you the best that I have, and I'll be patient. I'll know, in time, that you will give yourself totally to me.

When you are with me, you'll feel warm and secure. I will ease your mind, soothe away your troubles, and fill your soul with pleasure. With me, you'll feel as if you can conquer the world: As if you have a special key to happiness. You'll enjoy living again. I'll be the answer to your unspoken prayers. You'll soon wonder how you ever lived without me.

As our relationship grows, you'll start to exclude others from your life . . . but that's okay, you know that I can give you all you need. I'll be your lover, best friend, and confidant. I will always be available when you need me. This I will prove to you time and time again, and you'll realize that you don't need others -- when you have someone like me, all others seem inadequate.

So we'll see more and more of each other and decide that it is really impractical not to live together, so we'll make that move. Our life together will encompass many beautiful experiences. We'll do it all together: Swim in the ocean, picnic on the beach, fly kites; and whenever you feel the urge, we'll make love. Our relationship will be devoid of fights or arguments. I'll give myself totally to you, knowing that I'll receive the same in return.

You'll soon realize that you've dedicated your life to me. It will happen before you know it. I sort of take you by surprise, and you'll wonder if maybe you should take some time alone, away from me. After all, people say everyone needs some time alone, even if they are in love. And face it, you are irrestibly in love with me. So you vow to take some time alone, even though you really don't want to.

You'll start to spend the day in solitary adventure, doing something you've always wanted to do, after a few hours though, you'll find that you're not really enjoying yourself, and realize that you miss me more than you ever thought you could. You'll feel a terrible empty void without me and think about coming back home. It makes you a little angry that you didn't keep the promise to yourself, but you rationalize that you don't have to come back home, but rather you just want to. The whole way home you tell yourself that if you really want to spend the day alone, you could -- you just don't want to.

When you walk through that door, it will fill my heart with pleasure -- for I'd been hoping that you wouldn't spend the whole day without me. You'll come running to me, and I'll take you in my arms and hold you so tightly that it becomes a bit painful, but you won't mind. Though you won't see my face as I embrace you, I'll have a very satisfied smile. For it's the moment I have been waiting for. I've got you right where I want you. You now have no choice. You cannot live without me and I'll love it!

It's precisely at this point that you cease to be my lover and become my victim. You see, my ultimate goal is to murder you, and I have begun to do just that. But my methods are slow. I can do it slowly because you won't be able to leave me even though you know that I am killing you. That's the joy of it; the beauty of it! You will make a choice to die, and you'll let me do it.

Do you recognize me yet? You should . . . for you see, this relationship has already taken place between you and I. We are intimately acquainted, and now, I am patiently waiting for you to come back to me. I will follow you and wait for you wherever you go. I can wait forever -- for you see, I am your drug of choice.

I watched these children on the beach today. They are so innocent and carefree. They were eating their peanut butter and jelly, collecting shells, and squealing as they splashed in the water.

In my mind I said a prayer of hope that they won't know the ravages of addiction. Every alcoholic and drug addict was this innocent. It tore at my heart a bit.


  1. I have a friend who is addicted to Depression pretty much the way you described.... Talking to her is like talking to a drunk. She doesn't drink or take any drugs.

    Pretty bleak, eh?

    I didn't cause it, can't cure it. Letting it go, Letting God.

  2. Powerful imagery.

    I would like to think we somehow find our innocence once again in our sobriety. That even the demons of our addictions can't quite extinguish that flame into obliteration. (Hugs)Indigo

  3. This brings to light the allure and the deception. By the end it tore at my heart, and then your comments on the children.
    I'm glad you said a prayer for them. Those parents don't know there was an angel in their midst today.
    God bless.
    p.s. Thanks for the beach view. We live 2 miles from the beach and I don't take time enough to go and enjoy the wonders. It's a great place to remember the awesomeness of God.

  4. They talk about the disease doing pushups while we're in recovery. Pretty amazing to think that it would start back close to where it was prior to sobriety. I saw that in spades when my son relapsed a few years ago. After three years of sobriety he went as low as he had ever been in about a week! He's got a couple more years in now and is fine, but it was really a scary time!

  5. I know, looking at children and wondering which one or how many of them will grow up to be addicts/alcoholics. In your story, just as it was clear that the person could not live without their lover, I thought it may be addiction. Very good way to write this.

  6. This post tore at me a little bit Syd.Your insights and observations are so familiar to me.I think that is why I feel I know YOU.And that is a good thing to know.Outside of our old choices and ways of living to avoid real people places and things,
    most of us have a commonality of hope - and insights that offer that to others who are not there yet.

    Do you remember JJ's old saying,
    " I see you " ?
    Well,I'm still seeing you :)

    Thank you for all you share here my friend.

    T xo

  7. Thank you for this, Syd.

  8. I liked this. And I am thinking of going to the beach for a few days to heal from my own pain from last week. Amazing what the ocean can do. Just the sound of it is lovely. And children are amazing.

  9. incedible words. love this.

  10. SYD, this is a great post, the analogies are powerful reminders to us all, that our addictions are ever so patiently kill us!

  11. Your post really touched me.
    Thanks for the efforts you took to put this blog together.

  12. This was so dead on it was scary. I'm 42 days sober today. Knowing how far it would have gone had I not stopped drinking terrifies me. The last few paragraphs are a chilling reminder. Thank you for posting this.

  13. love it. thanks for posting :)

    Yes I see the potential for corruption everywhere too :) It has made me a great contingency planner. I can head them off at the pass before disaster strikes. to others it might look like I see only doom and gloom, but I see it more like guiding them through a minefield so they can have a fantastic life on the other side.
    It wasn't till I started going on retreats and observing monks etc close up that I saw how they were able to carry the burden of the full extent of the human condition 'lightly'. Without that example it might all have seemed too heavy. They showed me an example of how to be radiant and joyful despite knowing all the dark places the human psyche can go.
    Prayers really work. So your thoughts and concerns are helping those people in ways we never get to really find out about.

  14. sigh...

    I KNEW I knew that relationship ;-)

    I LOVE that you prayed for those kids.

  15. This is a fantastic post. It definitely tore a my heart to read it, especially that last bit. It's amazing how everyone starts out so innocently...

  16. yup my disease wants me dead, no matter how long it takes- probably will try to take credit at the end, no matter what....

  17. Wow! Thanks for the reminder, thanks for praying for those children and thank you for blogging.

  18. I hear the echo in my mind from time to time and that is when I reach out the quickest to the furthest positive from it. Well written.

    Those kids remind me when I was a small child sitting on the Boston Harbor watching planes come in. Thanks for the memory.


  19. Thinking about what became of the people I was that young with starts me to thinking. I feel a post coming on and it feels like gratitude. Thanks Syd, simple and as usual powerful.

  20. Love this post! Sometimes I imagine my "lover" standing over there, in the corner of my mind, smiling sheepishly, holding a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates softly whispering, "It's ok. I won't hurt you. I love you, baby. Please come back to me." Cunning, baffling, and powerful; Without help it is too much!
    Thanks for helping.
    Many blessings,


  21. This was so creepy and close to home, I abandoned reading it the first time. You've captured my own codependency addiction eerily well. Very, very powerful.
    Have you ever seen a Mia Michaels dance on the subject? Your post reminds me of it, very much. The fellow is playing addiction personified. The woman is the addict.
    Equally powerful.

  22. I have a online friend (or I had) that is addicted to drugs. He wants to get out of it, but it is as if it is keeping him in a prison. Everytime I talked to him I would get so depressed I'd just cry to God asking Him to help my friend to just get rid of it. We didn't speak in a long time so I don't exactly know how he is doing. I just wish I could do something (anything) to help him get out of it.

    It is a very nice post. Makes you think a lot about the small things in life.

  23. Much to think about. Thank you.

  24. Thanks you for posting this. Very powerful.

  25. This is a very powerful message. Thanks for sharing it.

    I tell my friends that Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings saved my life many years ago and Al-Anon meetings saved my marriage. I only recently returned to Al-Anon after about a 10 year break to learn how to use what I had learned.

    In the beginning I went to so many meetings that I didn't have much time with my family to put what I was learning to use. I was a true all-or-nothing Adult Child. Today, my life and I am much more in balance.

  26. Yep, know you well...

    Blessings and aloha...


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