Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Fifth step

" For me the exact nature of our wrongs is the unspoken, self-defeating assumptions that give rise to my thoughts and actions. These include notions that my best is not good enough, that I am not worthy of love, and that I have been hurt too deeply to ever really heal. If I dig deeply enough, I usually find thoughts such as these beneath the things I feel worst about. I am learning to examine whether or not there is any truth to these assumptions. Then I can begin to build my life around a more realistic, more loving way of seeing myself." from Courage to Change

I am hearing one of my sponsees fifth step later today.  I find this to be so inspiring--the honor to be trusted to have someone confide in me.  I know that admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to myself, God and my sponsor confirmed that I not only had a lot of good in me but some bad as well.  I knew that after doing my fifth step, I could no longer ask God to forgive me for what I have done but will have to ask forgiveness of what I am about to do. 

I think that the fifth step really kick started the notion that I could love myself.  I realized that I wasn't a bad person.  I was beginning to feel what serenity really is. The journey of trusting my Higher Power and my sponsor became much clearer.  And I came to understand a feeling of humility that led me to much greater compassion and love.  

So we are going to go to the beach, sit on a blanket and just talk.  What a powerful thing to be surrounded by evidence of my Higher Power and to be sharing in the trust of another.

16 comments:

  1. Thanks for this post, I will do my fifth soon, and as I'm working through my fourth I can see a pattern of my choices, and it's not so bad, after all it is the past, I no longer have to choose that way again, Blessings...

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  2. Loving oneself is not just words, is it? We learn to take responsibility for our part in past episodes and then we forgive others and ourselves. And we learn to trust where it is good to trust.

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  3. I find it inspiring that you are so appreciative of all that you have in your life and the world around you. I will think of you and your sponsee tonight and will say a prayer for you both. Take care.

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  4. *sigh* this is lovely.

    and like the new look of your blog.

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  5. Syd,
    There's no one I'd rather tell my secrets to, buddy.

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  6. Great post, Syd. Al-Anon was where I came face-to-face with the notion that I'd been "hurt too deeply to heal."
    Letting go of that belief opened my life to joy and laughter.

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  7. " I think that the fifth step really kick started the notion that I could love myself. I realized that I wasn't a bad person."

    This was exactly how it was for me...

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  8. What a peaceful place to hear a 5th step.

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  9. "Hurt too deeply to heal." Wow. I feel that way sometimes, but not because of alcohol. What an honor to have someone trust you that much...

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  10. You have a lucky sponsee to have someone with your wisdom in their life.

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  11. 'just talk' and it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do. For the person sharing and being authentic the risk of rejection and ridicule for the person listening the risk of taking on board the other's pain and feeling responsibility to 'fix' or to silence or distract if a subject comes up that is too uncomfortable. I think these steps should be something that everyone does in life! Learning to be real is such a difficult thing to do in our world. Great work Syd!

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  12. deed.. and your photo invokes the image of the lovely little story we all know "footprints"

    sounds to me like you're a wonderful sponsor!

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  13. Sharing the very worst of ourselves with someone who knows the power of the program is a transformational moment. I never loved much less liked myself. Now I do. That is the miracle. You both are blessed today.

    ♥namaste♥

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  14. I'm working on my 4th step now. I feel pretty raw about it. After remembering and going back over all that I have done, I have a hard time not thinking I'm a bad person. I do hope to be a better person and pray that recovery will help me. Thanks for your blog.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.