Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A friend's message

Last night, our Al-Anon group learned that one of its members had died.  He had only a few months from time of diagnosis to death.  I miss him, I really do.  He had several addicted children that caused a lot of stress in his life.  His career was pressure enough but the children nearly drove him insane.  His marriage became bad, he was paying for rehabs and treatment centers, and the stress was enormous.  He thought that he could somehow fix his addicted children. 

He didn't find Al-Anon for a long time, but when he did come, he was willing and ready.  He got a sponsor, worked the steps and had a good message to share.  He found that all the controlling he tried with his kids didn't work.  He let one son go to jail, didn't bail him out, and told him he loved him.  He told another not to come home for Christmas if he was still using.  He made boundaries and kept them.  And he found serenity by doing these things.

He always had a good message for the newcomers whose children were alcoholics/addicts.  He told them that nothing he said or gave to his children in the way of material things ever made any difference in their getting sober.  But what did make a difference was when he learned to keep his hands off those things that didn't belong to him.

I would visualize the unmarked piece of luggage that sits in the airport.  It doesn't have my name on it, but I decide to pick it up.  Inside is a shit bomb and when I accept the baggage that isn't mine, the shit bomb explodes.  And this will happen time after time until the decision is made not to pick up someone else's stuff.

I am thankful for the message.  I used to not only want to carry the shit of another but wallow in it.  Heck, I was baggage claim.  Now I realize that if something doesn't have my name on it, I don't pick it up.  It can just sit there and stink.

Thank you C. for sharing your message and for walking the talk.  You inspired a lot of people and gave them hope that they too could learn to live and find serenity amidst an ocean of chaos.  I wish that your stay here could have been longer.  But I'm grateful that you found peace during your final years.

28 comments:

  1. I know you, I worked in baggage claim with you for several years.

    My son is now working on his recovery. It took a long time to learn but in addition to not picking up his baggage while he was using, it is just as important not to pick up the baggage when he is working HIS recovery.

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  2. I have pretty much retired from my work in baggage claim thanks to Al-Anon. Our program works. It really does.

    Sorry about your fellow member who will be so missed.

    PG

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  3. Thanks for this, Syd. A new woman in my Al-Anon group was brought to her knees by her addict daughter and she found a better way when she began to surrender--not easy to do when she gets calls from the police that her daughter has fled yet another rehab center. We've become friends--she the mother of an addict, I, the daughter of one. Such is the gift of Al-anon. I am thanking my HP for the path I've found, though with bleeding footsteps sometimes....

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  4. Yes I think I played both sides of the baggage claim. I filled up enough suitcases with shit, and I certainly tried to carry other people's bags of shit. It gets you just shit. Nothing. It's nice to set that job aside and walk on by. I can now listen, and not get entangled in people's problems. I have learned that being there is enough. It's amazing how good you feel when your hands aren't busy trying to carry all that garbage...your friend gave you and many other's an awesome view of a life that was changed, a life that is worth working for....

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  5. I like today's message because I can relate to carrying all this luggage that is not mine. I loved the picture too. It's a poignantly haunting reminder to let go. I made it my screen saver for today.

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  6. First, my condolences about your friend's passing.

    Second: Exactly!!!

    I love the analogy you used here and thank you for posting this.

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  7. excellent post, my condolences for your loss.

    even addicts can pick up baggage that doesn't belong to them

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  8. For years, I too have carried that stinky luggage. No more! Sometimes it is really hard not to want to clean it up, though. I'm still new at this, so it still kind of feels like everyone can see the mess--or even smell it.

    I am sorry about your friend. It sounds like he made a difference.

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  9. Good way to say it. If it doesn't belong to you, leave it alone. This was a nice tribute to a man who worked the program and participated in his recovery. I hope there are many times that you remember him and how he shared with you.

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  10. I am sorry to hear about your friend, and this was a moving tribute to him. That's one of the most important lessons I have learned the past 6 months, the message came to me by way of Kathy at Grace was Calling and I didn't Pick Up.
    You've made a new saying, can't wait to tell my husband I'm quitting my job at "baggage claim"!
    God bless.

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  11. Very inspiring post, thanks Syd. I too am learning to live and let live without so much shit sticking to me and without throwing any of my own about.

    I'm sorry your friend had such pain and struggle with his family while alive. And for your loss.

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  12. Oh....Im so sorry for your loss. Im glad for his eternal peace, though. What a thoughtful memorial your blog is today.....

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  13. I am just learning this after 9 years with an alcoholic husband, and now an addicted child (who is officially an adult now).

    I know that stress your friend carried. I don't want to carry it anymore. One day at a time I'm trying to learn how to let go of my son while still loving him.

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  14. I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like your friend was whatever you'd call the Al-Anon equivalent of a walking Big Book.

    "If it doesn't have your name on it, don't pick it up" is one of my favorite sayings. I've often thought it should be an official slogan. What a good reminder.

    I also want to welcome you to my blog. It's nice to have good company on the journey. I follow you, too.

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  15. Thank you for sharing about your fellow member. I like the idea of "traveling light" and leaving the baggage unclaimed!

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  16. I love this post. I also like many others tried to control Ryan with threats that I never followed through on till this last relaps. It was the best thing I ever did.

    Thanks for the encouraging word.
    May he rest in peace.

    Laura

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  17. That's a very interesting theory, keeping your hands off things that do not belong to you... it must be hard enough dealing with somebody else's addiction (and how weird to deal with addiction without getting high ~ but that's just my junkie's perspective...) yeah anyway, it must be hard enough dealing with the things you need to deal with, without picking up more, because you think you should, or fail to realize you shouldn't... and all...

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  18. I am terribly sorry about your friend.

    I lived a life of packing up shit for others to pick up. And do you know that I didn't care if they picked it up or not? I didn't.

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  19. I am sorry for your loss.


    I think the image of luggage full of exploding shit is going to stick with me for awhile!

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  20. Thanks Syd. A well timed message. I need that messsage every once and awhile.

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  21. So sorry for your loss Syd. I remember when I had an issue about my son's mail and a certain check that got shredded. You told me then, if the mail didn't have my name on it, don't pick it up. I have not forgotten that message and now I have a new image in baggage claim. You friend sounds like he was a pretty special soul.

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  22. Boundaries.

    So hard to build them when you've never built them before. But it's impossible to live happily without them.

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  23. I'm sorry for your loss.

    Today, on a good day, I don't pick up anyone else' baggage. I've had a few good days. I hope for more.

    Blessings and aloha...

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  24. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

    SB

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  25. Very sorry to hear of his passing. thanks for telling us about him.

    I love the suitcase analogy. Havent heard it at ALL, and wish I had. excellent. Is it an Al anon classic, or just something you heard? Its great!

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  26. wicked cool post and so true...i have walked around in the wake of that bomb many a time...and everyone can smell it...love the pic too!

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