When was the last time you danced?

"....to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow." Bob Dylan

I didn't dance this weekend, although there were a few moments that I felt like it.  The weather was wonderfully refreshing. The sky had a number of diamonds sprayed across it. The beach fire was warm and the sand felt soft on my bare feet.  It was a night for dancing.

I'm not dancing today because I don't feel like it.  I am thinking about a lot of things that are weighing me down, making me feel heavy instead of light. Some of these are dredged up stuff from the past, some are anxieties about today, and some are simply about life's reality and complexity. 

The stuff from the past is mostly about my mother.  There are days when I wish that she were still here. She loved me unconditionally. I don't think that there is a stronger love than a mother for a child.  I know that I wasn't the most patient with her at times, especially when she was depressed or when she began to have signs of mild dementia.  I wanted her to still be the strong vital woman that she was. I eventually came to terms that she was small and old and was leaning on me more and more.  I became the parent to a certain extent.  It is tough to see the winnowing away of those who have been our rocks.

If I could I would ask her to dance right now, a slow waltz.  I am sure that she was dancing those last few days before she died because she told me that my long dead father had come to take her dancing.  I am sure that she was happy with those thoughts.

The anxiety about today stems from my spirit feeling bound and tight.  I am anxious now to move on, to put the work behind me, to stop emptying out my file cabinets and computer.  I feel as if I am attending a badly put together funeral.  And I want it to be over.  The dance music is like a funeral dirge now where it used to be rock and roll.

And life's reality and complexity....well, I am reminded over and over that I have no power to change anyone but myself.  I may not like what others do or say but there is nothing that I can do about that.  The bad choices of others in my life aren't my business.  But if that is so, then where does the anxiety come from when I see the mistakes being made by others?  I remind myself that I can't be the salvation for another.  They have their own Higher Power and I'm not it.  This is a dance that I know only too well.  It's one that has trapped me in the past.  I was caught in its clutches of alcoholism and went round and round with my partner.  I stop and remember that I can choose to sit this one out.