Monday, May 17, 2010

Clearing out


I am too tired to do much that is productive today. I did stay up too late last night with the iPad.  It seems that I have become a night person.  But my schedule requires that I also be a morning person, and the two conflict.

So here I am at work in my partially cleared out office.  I have cleaned out the file cabinet in the photo above and most of the things in the book case are packed.  I have a couple more file cabinets to go through and then a bunch of publications of mine that I will donate to the library since I don't need 40 copies of each of them.

Strangely enough, I am now over the shock and despair part of grieving the end of my career here.  I think that a couple of months ago I was really in the throes of grieving my leaving this position.  I knew that I had signed on the dotted line five years ago and wasn't a bit under duress or crazy when I did it.  Both C. and I decided that we would leave when we were young enough to still do other things.  Our stint here has been long and productive. We knew that we would be ready in five years.  And the financial deal was really sweet.

But as the time grew nearer I did grieve. I did the denial (I still have plenty of time left to work here), anger (what was I thinking?), the bargaining (I can come back and work again for the agency at some point), and the depression (no one will miss me) bit.  Sometimes I felt near panic at the thought of leaving this career. 

I have worked at some sort of job in marine science since I was in high school.  That's a long time.  I even volunteered at my first job at a marine lab where I later got my MS and Ph.D. I spent that entire summer emptying out dead preserved oysters and washing the jars. I saw shriveled up oysters in my dreams.  But I showed up every day and did the work.  That lead to paying summer jobs for the rest of high school through college.  And then came graduate school where there were no breaks or vacations. And after graduate school, I went right into moving and working here.  It was a long run.

Now I think that I 'm at the acceptance phase.  I realize that I will see the people here again.  I do have outside interests that will keep me busy.  I am wanting the days now to go quicker so that I can be through with all the finality.  I am ready to accept the new reality of not being a part of this place in the sense that I have in the past. 

So today is a day to go through more drawers of the last file cabinet.  And now I am viewing these old letters and papers as being expendable.  I don't have to keep everything. Those old files that go back to the start of my time here can be perused.  I can let go of them and only save a very few that mean something to me.  It's time to say the good byes and move on. 

27 comments:

  1. My problem with the iPad is that it has a semi-rounded back that makes it wobble when you type on the vKeyboard. Those little frustums in the Apple stores are not for SALE!!!!!

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  2. Retiring is harder when you've loved your work, as you have. I'm glad you've reached acceptance.

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  3. Your office is looking pretty packed and empty now. I know you will find so many things you will want to do when you are free to try new things. You have had a great job experience. I wish you well.

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  4. I guess that its like talking through a 5th step and then on reaching 6 we turn away with no regrets and start to build a new path of direction. Nice to read what you had to say Syd, Im glad its all working out. Take care of you and your loved ones.

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  5. Wishing you well, Syd. I know you're right about the grief stages one goes through on the way to acceptance. You sound strong and ready. Good for you.

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  6. I think it's important to grieve any type of loss. It's the fastest way to move on. I was always so busy trying not to deal with my emotions, that even the smallest feelings can feel huge to me. You have a great way of being very truthful and real with yourself. Life is good even in the midst of change...

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  7. Acceptance is a good place to be. I'm glad to hear you were able to walk through all that came before it to end up at acceptance at just the right time. Best of luck in the next phase of your life. I look forward to reading about it.

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  8. It's funny the stages that we go through, I bet if someone said "oh stay on for another year" you would would be a bit disappointed now..
    I bet you have lots of plans already, wishing you lots of fun in your new adventures.

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  9. Change!! Life is change. Becoming comfortable with the changes in life is made easier by what I have learned in Al-Anon.

    I'm wondering if you might not just end up a night and morning person both. It's possible when a person sleeps 3 or 4 hours two different times in a 24 hour period. I know. I live with such a person. :)

    PG

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  10. I also wish you well Syd.

    I know I would have no problem retiring and letting it all go. I'm sorry it is so hard on you.

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  11. I can imagine you as a part time professor of a course you love to teach. What do you think Dr. Syd?

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  12. I think you may be surprised at how little you miss the things you are so worried about missing.
    I think. I could be wrong.

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  13. Acceptance is hard to get to in some situations, but once you achieve it, it can make your (mental!) life peaceful. Sounds like that is where you are today - at peace and starting to look around the corner to your beautiful future.
    God bless!

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  14. I am so happy to see you arrive at acceptance. I have been worried about you. I could see that this has been difficult. I am glad you walked through the difficulty instead of denying it.

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  15. Beautiful honesty on the sweet and the sour and the Angst of moving on.. before you really were ready. But wow, you had the choice and you made it and you have a wonderful full life to step into and enjoy with the Love of your life...

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  16. I think that this is a very moving post and one that many people will identify with. Your serenity is shining through and I am sure that you and C have a glorious future ahead of you. Best wishes.

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  17. Excellent. Sounds like you're very consciously processing at all.
    I think that people with any spiritual life are not faced with the same apparent dead-end in retirement, compared to those that have a work life and not much else.
    If you are inclined towards service there will always be endless opportunities to give of yourself in your community and amongst friends and family. You have already been very productive within the sphere of Al-Anon, so I think it's fair to say that you will very quickly find your expertise in demand in all sorts of places. I have been involved with various committees when I've had the time, and if I had more free time, I know I would be very tempted to get involved in all sorts of projects. It's difficult to know where to start. If I could find a way of being very effective in helping children in deadbeat families, I would be tempted to do that because it prevents their lives from going astray. But perhaps I should stick to what I know best which is helping people get sober and stay sober.
    But you've definitely been a very hard worker all these years and you've reached a point where you know to enjoy yourself outside of work on the boat /garden etc, so I'm confident that you'll make really good use of your non work time, whether it's to savour life, or be profoundly useful to your fellow man. I'm sure it will be very productive and satisfying whichever you choose.

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  18. So good to be a part of something you love, even when leaving. The best is yet to come!

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  19. I'm glad you are starting to feel more content about leaving your job, Syd. I envy you. I don't like my job all that much, so I am READY to retire NOW, but I have a long way to go. Laugh.

    Love,

    SB

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  20. I think it is natural to have the feelings you are having. I would love to retire but I will probably have to work another 13 yrs. But that's not such a bad thing since I love my job. Have fun and enjoy.

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  21. Thank you for sharing your process of dealing with this huge change. I'm sure unheard of solutions and unlimited possibilities await you. That's been my experience. I'm looking forward to yours.

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  22. My colleagues and I have speculated that since, as children, many of the crises we dealt with occured at night, that we have become 'wired' to be night people. There are so many of us who are! Also, a side note, the blue light that iPad emits can keep your brain excited, making it hard to get to sleep, so maybe force yourself to put it down about an hour or so before you have to go to bed? Just a thought. LOVE YOUR BLOG! Serenity now!

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  23. Nothing new can come into our lives until we make a space for it, right? (I hated hearing that when I was going through something) Also - how do you like the iPad??? A friend of mine got one and I got to play with it a little . . . Will iPad addiction be the next big thing? LOL

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  24. Go easy on the library! They probably don't need 40 copies of it either.

    Have fun with the iPad.

    I do think that retirement is a bit like grieving for a dead relative. That whole loss thing definitely is real and has it's stages of acceptance. Good luck!

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  25. People stepped aside so that you would be given opportunities and now you are doing the same. Passing the baton, so to speak.

    And Syd, you will be missed. I can gurantee it.

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  26. I want an iPad badly... but enough about me :-)

    That has to be quite a process you're going through. I empathize. But it appears to me that you're handling things with grace and acceptance. And frankly, this is but another one of life's little changes of direction and you'll find yourself immersed in something wonderful soon enough, you're already open to it!

    Enjoy that laast days and look forward to the next assignment :-)

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