Friday, May 14, 2010

Pee on something else

I think one of the seldom mentioned casualties of living with a black out drunk is random peeing.  In graduate school, I've seen fellows pee in the corner of someone's living room, in a fire place, just outside the bathroom, and so on.  There might have been some kind of attempt to make it to the general vicinity of the bathroom but...oops..couldn't quite make it. 

This random peeing phenomenon isn't limited to guys I'm sure, although I thankfully have to say that I have not seen a woman squat down in the living room and let it flow.  However, I do know that drunk women miss the toilet seat or piss all over it.  I do have data for that.

This kind of stuff is something that those of us who live with alcoholics don't discuss much.  In fact, I've not heard anyone's drunkalog mention this, probably because it isn't something that is remembered by the drunk. But it sure as hell is remembered by the sober family members. 

The other day a lady in one of my groups mentioned that she was horrified to come home from a meeting after work to find her husband peeing all over their new Swedishly-expensive mattress.  She has been having some difficult times of late with hubby in and out of rehab, making promises to get sober, and so forth with the same refrain: "I'm going to do quit drinking and change." 

But she said that something snapped inside her as she saw him happily peeing on the mattress.  She forgot all her Al-Anon speak and started screaming at him.  His retort was "Leave me alone!". And then, "What's the problem?".  So after some program kicked in, she left the room, grabbed a blanket and fell asleep on the couch, leaving him to sleep who knows where--on the urine soaked bed...maybe?

The next morning she told her husband that she wanted him to leave.  She also told him to clean up the bed before he left.  And then she left for work, detaching with as much love as she could muster.   And her sharing with the group included this question, "Why couldn't he have chosen a table or chair to pee on? Why did it have to be the new mattress?" Why indeed....?

It is hard to have compassion at the moment these things occur.  You've had a hard day, come home, and find a loved one happily urinating on something special or vomiting in a shoe.  But arguing and hurling insults at the drunk is not productive.  Better to get a bucket or a catch basin.  In the moment though the mind goes blank with incomprehension.  I've been there.  It's not quite the deer in the headlights but more like the deer that feels the impact of a Mack truck.

The next day when all the apologies start and the humiliation hits home is also difficult.  The stain that is left on the heart is something that words and a whole bottle of Lysol won't remove for a long time.  If it weren't for all of us in the fellowship who can share these stories, and now actually chuckle at the disasters that have occurred, I think that we would certainly have given up.  But we keep coming back, lend an ear, and offer our strength and hope to those who see nothing humorous at all about a fellow mistaking the mattress for a toilet. 

30 comments:

  1. not sure if my last comment went through.

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  2. As you say, we have all been there at some point. It's easier to see the humour in these embarrassing events with the passing of time. I hope your group member will eventually see it this way too one day. Best wishes.

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  3. sadly, I lived this as well... and my boys to this day remember times like this from their fathers drinking too.

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  4. My introduction to London was the sight of an elderly very sozzled woman squatting down and peeing right in the middle of Camden High Street!
    At the one AA (rather than NA) meeting I've been to (one meeting, a few times) which was quite small, literally everyone there said that before they finally stopped they used to not only piss but shit the bed as well!
    When I was drinking heavily I had to sit down and pee like a girl, saved a huge amount of trouble and changing jeans...

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  5. My x-husband used to pee in the bed. I would wake up lying in warm pee. OMG! I haven't thought of that in years.

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  6. This is so hard for me to comprehend. I am so glad that you all have the program and each other for support. Bless you all, you know?

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  7. Oh my goodness, at least the alcoholic is likely to be numb to the angry assault. It just shows how difficult this disease is for everyone. I remember a friend telling how her drunk partner peed the bed a lot, while they were both sleeping in it. I have a friend who went to take a crap in an alley and threw up into his trousers, at least it was only him who had to deal with the horror and humiliation. I come from a family of alcoholics and a culture of alcoholics btw, I gave up years ago and my husband has followed, though still has the odd drink.

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  8. I can see that I have a lot of work to do. To this day, I still can't find any humor in the memories of any of the messes I've cleaned up.

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  9. Vomiting down a heater vent in the bedroom was another one of those horrible, messy events that didn't just "go away". From the smell when the heater cut on or from the humiliating memories that last a lot longer. You are brave to broach such subject. Write on!

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  10. All I can say is, "Thank God I don't live with these kinds of situations anymore." I thank God everyday for my sobriety and for the sobriety of the people I live with.

    Great blog. Truly insightful.

    PG

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  11. dude...that is so sad. i really feel for this lady...i hope her husband sees the light soon...

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  12. Thank goodness I never peed on anything but in a woman's meeting about two weeks ago a woman told us that she would drink so much and then go pee in her yard. While she never gave a thought to the neighbors which she guessed had seen her do the deed more than once. These are hard things to swallow when you sober up but they are in the past and making sure they don't happen again are a priority which comes through working the program.

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  13. I've seen it too many times. That and barfing pretty much anywhere.

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  14. I am not proud to say I have had such an incident myself. It involved a night stand and a telephone. I came out of a blackout screaming at my husband and holding a bottle of Clorox clean-up. He was getting ready to call the police. That was eight years ago and we are still not laughing about it but I sure am grateful I do not live that way anymore. Thanks for the reminder, Syd.

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  15. I was more likely to vomit or have diarrhoea all over beds and bathroom floors -- urinating was mild by comparison.

    I've shared houses with incontinent people in the final stages of AIDS and felt no disgust because I knew they were ill and couldn't help themselves.

    Alcoholism is an illness too.

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  16. It is ceratinly a conundrum why we do such things. It was soemthing that never happened to me. I did all that kind of stuff whilst a child in bed with my brother. The next morning the humiliation was horrendous. I wonder if thats why i never did it in drink !!

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  17. ah yes incontinence. well it gets more mention in aa perhaps than al anon.
    I find it hard to understand what non alcoholics see that is valuable in alcoholics at the best of times, never mind when they pee on expensive furnishings. so i can shed no light on this.
    it cheers me up to think that people with better psychology are able to have compassion and a desire to be with alcoholics in a relationship. i know the alcoholic mindset too well you see :) and the non alcoholic mindset looks so much more ? 'normal'..

    oh well.
    its a shame more al anons don't raise this issue as it must be pretty commonplace judging by what I hear in aa..

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  18. Came via Ms Moon cause I think your idea about the shrimp boats and skimmers lined with pads is brilliant. You need to get that out there.

    Now I've read some of your posts and I will be back to visit. Been there. Hopefully won't be back there. Today is a good day.

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  19. what a tale... I hope that he can get sober and she can learn to live with him if he does...

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  20. Poor woman. Been there too many times with my ex-husband. he once peed on the neighbour's tv! Another time he peed in a pot of spaghetti sauce I had cooling on the table. None of it was funny then but with time behind me, I can chuckle a bit now. Not so funny with my daughter though...

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  21. The first time my ex did the random pee thing, I was aghast. The second time I was horrified. The third time I felt true pity. I think it was then that I saw the real face of the disease. How a wonderful, loving, funny man could be in such a state. I can no longer be around people who are drinking. It isn't fun, it doesn't add one thing to my life. Alanon showed me how to claim my life back and to find joy. I no longer pity the alcoholics but I do have compassion. There but the Grace of God...

    ♥namaste♥

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  22. OMG. This is a topic I've not heard brought up in AA in 20 years. Random peeing? We have very few inhibitions when we're in our cups, we drinkers. I'll never forget throwing up in a planter outside Harry's Bar in Century City Plaza, surrounded by beautiful people enjoying the LA nightlife. What a vision I must have presented, all sophisticated as I was.
    Um, thanks for the reminder?

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  23. You did a good job with a subject that is not very pretty. In fact, it stinks. Literally.

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  24. Isn't it amazing that I never saw my addict daughter out of control in this way? No slurring, staggering, peeing or throwing up..... No siree,she went straight to crack and heroine!

    She did once throw a heavy glass object out the window screaming that she was going to hit her Dad in the head with it. He physically got between her and drugs. He was holding her down to keep her from running when she reached up and grabbed this heavy glass. I'm going to smash your head she screamed. But at the last second it went through the window.

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  25. to pee or not to pee.

    thank god, this is one of the "yets" I have yet to experience....yet.

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  26. Oh my gosh! It's been a LONG time (15+ years) and I had forgotten all about that!!! The HORROR at the time, the shaking my head with a smile now. Compassion.
    God bless.

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  27. Wow. Very powerful post. Brought back ancient memories. Thanks for sharing about the things that usually go unsaid.

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  28. This post brought back memories of my fathers drunken black outs.
    He would urinate in bed and this was brought up throughout the day. I was humiliated for him. My life today with the help of Alanon gives me tools to create a full and happy life.

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  29. I can remember as a teenager peeing in places where I shouldn't, but that was mostly on the sides of the road or whatever.

    Now as the parent of a 4-year old I can really relate to this post more than ever! I know that kids will be kids, and potty-training is part of the process but some days you just scratch your head and ask yourself if you are living your life or someone else's.

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