Wednesday, May 12, 2010

We were failures at relationships--Part Two

Yesterday, I wrote about how the character defects that I had dragged along with me from childhood and into my marriage set me up for failing at the very thing that I wanted:  a loving relationship.  I was clueless about what to do, even though I knew that what I had been doing wasn't working.

So I dug myself deeper and deeper into a mire of self-pity and self-disgust.  Instead of drawing people to me,  I would isolate from others because I felt so unworthy.  I would agonize over confrontations when they would occur.  I saw myself as a victim of the bad behavior of others.  As a consequence I was attracted to other victims in relationships.  I failed to take care of myself, instead focusing on others so that I would not look at my own responsibility to myself.  I confused love with pity.  And when I realized that I was making mistakes in relationships or being ill treated, I allowed it to continue because I didn't think that I deserved any better.  I was that out of touch with who I was and feared abandonment so much that I was willing to accept the behavior of sick people who were incapable of being there for me. This isn't a pretty picture. I essentially took on many of the characteristics of the alcoholic, even though I didn't pick up a drink.

My solution came from forgiveness and acceptance that I learned in Al-Anon.  And step by step, I have learned to be good to myself, to build self-esteem, to express what I want, to understand and be willing to let go of my defects, to take action rather than to react, to enjoy living and loving, to believe that there is a solution other than the one that I kept using over and over, and that the spiritual solution is real.  

In order to change, I cannot use my history of growing up in a dysfunctional family as an excuse for continuing my behaviors. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and life would be so much better without ever having to deal with all the emotional upheaval that it brings.  An important point for me to get through my head is that I don't need to constantly be criticizing myself for the way I've handled relationships in the past. They are over with.  Instead, I can concentrate on how I handle things on this day, hopefully with respect for the other and with love.

I also don't let regrets for what might have been paralyze the present, for my experiences have shaped my assets as well as my defects of character. I have learned to take responsibility for acknowledging my talents, to build my self-esteem and to repair any damage done to myself and others.  I am learning to take care of myself, mind my own business, and get on with living a life of gratitude.

Happiness is a choice-- I can choose to be happy or I can choose to let my fear take hold and be miserable. Being content is not an accidental mood created when someone else does what I want. I just need to keep the focus on what is within my power to change and what is up to my HP.  I think that way I'll be able to achieve the peace of mind and healthy relationships that eluded me for so long before recovery. There have been many difficult times in the past.  But with the help of God, my family and my friends, I can  survive the next twenty-four hours. 

"Wherever we may be in our search for healthy relationships, we have to begin where we are today. It may be painful to think how much better our relationships could have—or should have—been. There’s no point in criticizing ourselves when we did the best we could with what we had. We can gain peace of mind by putting aside what we could or should have done and by accepting who and where we are right now." from Discovering Choices.

21 comments:

  1. So powerful! You've put so much work into your recovery. Into what makes you tick and why you did what you did and why you do what you do. I can only hope that someday I'll be in such a place, where I can look back and know why and see how much I've grown...

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  2. thank you for sharing, syd. this is a great post and i can relate to all of it. have a good one.

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  3. Happiness is definitely a choice. You have a lot of good information here, Syd. Thank you.

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  4. great post syd...there is nothing we can with the past other than hopefully learn from the mistakes...we also cant live in our past success either. relationships take work...when you stop working you are going backward...

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  5. a choice. quite simple, if one thinks about it. but oh, much harder to do...

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  6. Happeness is a choice...

    Hmmmm... I know what you mean, but not surely in every circumstance. Try spreading that message round Auschwitz in 1944!

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  7. Taking care of oneself and forgiving oneself go hand in hand I think. I so enjoy reading about your work and your recovery. So much of it is similar to my recovery and some is not. Thank for another helpful post.

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  8. Such a great post. So much wisdom here. Thank you. Do you have the book The Language of Letting Go by Beatty? Today's reading, May 12, is about this sort of intimacy topic. Being close to people. Good stuff.

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  9. What a great post. Thank you for sharing.

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  10. I relate to this blog post on so many levels. Oh geez the self pity and disgust that kept me going eventually drove me into the rooms of Alanon. There was a place for me waiting in the metal chair right near the front.

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  11. great posts Syd...relationships have been the hardest for me...I can totally relate.

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  12. Very honest and insightful post! As one from the 'other side', an alcoholic, it helps me to have an Al-Anon viewpoint. Thanks!
    Also, thanks for the nice comments on my blog.
    Sober Not Somber

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  13. The "express what I want" part is the hardest. . .

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  14. I tried to leave a message here and it has not appeared, a mystery.

    Such a god two-part post Syd and so pertinent to the process of recovery for me as an alcoholic.

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  15. this entire post has my heart squeezing and trying to beat hard in my chest.

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  16. Mr. Syd, you have done it again. Thank you. I relate to so much of this.

    I hope you have a blessed and peaceful weekend!

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  17. After spending so much time with my parents this week I can see that happiness is a choice. You just have to be open to it. Unfortunately some people don't believe it.

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  18. Thanks Syd. I have been real busy with work lately and just saw this post. I ordered Discovering Choices. I like the quote you supplied from it.

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  19. Syd,
    Thank you for these two posts on relationship failures. As I'm beginning to take my own inventory, I'm shocked at all of the crap I've dragged forward into my marriage and adult life. Like you, I never knew what a normal relationship was; not sure I do now.

    These two are rich posts and this is good counsel from part II: "don't let regrets for what might have been paralyze the present, for my experiences have shaped my assets as well as my defects of character."

    For most people this alone would be a big victory.

    Thank God for Al-Anon and for people finding their way and sharing their story as you've done so well.

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.