Last evening, I felt for the first time in years a deep sadness filling me. It reminded me of the early days in the program when I felt so lost and unsure. I knew that I had built up some expectations in an individual and had been let down. That isn't a surprise because this has happened before with this friend. The difference was that I forgot the pain of what those expectations can do. I expected to be treated as I treat others.
So I went to sleep saying the Serenity Prayer over and over. And this morning, I realized that by shifting the focus back to myself and lowering my expectations, I could get back on track. I had momentarily made the other person my Higher Power.
Tonight I spent some time meditating before the meeting. It was a beautiful evening, and I walked from statue to statue at various spots around the church where we meet.
And finally on the way home, I saw a huge rainbow arched across the sky. All of these were reminders to me that my problems are really balanced with many blessings. When life seems most out of control or when things appear to be falling apart, that's the time that I connect most with my Higher Power. I had a good meeting, talked with my sponsor, understood that being a hostile martyr does no one any favors, and let go of my expectations.
Amazing how the deepest despair can't withstand the sunlight of the spirit.
Wow, I so needed to hear this! Amen to everything you shared!
ReplyDeleteSyd, the pictures and your words, meld together into a musical hymn of Praise to our Higher Power...Thanks!
ReplyDeleteGlad you got through that with hardly a wound. (Lone Ranger used to say: "It's OK Tonto, it's only a flesh wound!")
"the deepest despair cannot... sunlight of the spirit." Lovely. I'll remember that!
ReplyDeleteInteresting - we had an entire afternoon of thunder storms, and personal storms still loom, but the rainbow was there even when it was late enough in the day that I never should have been able to see it - the light should not have been enough, but it was. ~Kelly
ReplyDeleteSyd,
ReplyDeletebless you...that was really beautiful and helpful...
Hmmm - expectations are resentments waiting to happen alright. I'm impressed by your turn around time, however - it often takes me more than just one night to get right again!
ReplyDeleteA wonderful post, Syd. I've played that part of a "hostile martyr" many times in my life, and only ever felt the worse for it.
ReplyDeleteI try to choose a different response now.
lovely post as usual.
ReplyDeletebecause I have such low expectations of others, I rarely find myself being let down in the way you describe. I am not sure if this is because I was always a bit like that, or because I have learned in recovery that there are not many people that can be relied upon when push comes to shove. All I know is that I really !! appreciate the few people who I feel I can rely upon, and whose motives are good, or that they are doing their best.
I have very limited contact with people who do not have a 'good heart', for want of a better description. i only really want to talk to people who have a good heart, and have a similar or better level of understanding as myself, or failing that someone with less understanding but who is very similarly orientated, meaning we have very similar values. I think the trick is to realize that there are not very many 'good' people around, (good meaning able to serve my needs and interests well). many do not have a moral backbone, and cave with just a little pressure.
there is a LOT of 'un- worked out stuff' out there. a lot of deeply unconscious people stuck in their habitual tendencies. when people do not work out their stuff they are potentially a loose cannon in the lives of others. and disappointment exists everywhere, not just in 12 step programs or professional institutions that should know better, but also in religious hierarchies where one would expect people to know better. so disappointment is ! everywhere, and learning how to deal with it skillfully is a very important right of passage in recovery. it sounds as though you have developed an excellent way of processing this circumstance using the tools of recovery.
I think situations like this bring home the importance of not being dependent upon others to do our thinking for us. learning to rely upon one's own analysis using the principles in the program is a huge blessing. I rely upon occasional feedback from trusted sources, but at the same time I know I have to think for myself as well just in case the other person cannot see a vital aspect of the jigsaw. one just never knows. it would be foolish, and unkind to place the burden of analyzing my situation on the shoulders of another person, unless they have communicated expressly to me that they absolutely want me to follow their instructions without fail. because it's something immensely important and a one off situation.
the endorsement and hallmark of the quality of your reasoning is demonstrated beautifully in and the prompt and effective results you achieved.
Like you, I think that there are many problems that exist that humans do not have the capacity or understanding to address adequately. thank god we have a higher power, as human reasoning/ understanding can be very limiting.
sorry for the long post-but I am waiting for a delivery and my voice recognition software is working much better than it used to, as I fixed it recently.
good stuff syd...some good nuggets of wisdom...dont know that God is ever that busy, He just gives us what we need not what we want...so doing better today?
ReplyDeleteAt the very end of winter
ReplyDeletea friend and I planned an overnight get away...I should know better than to set my child up for such a disappointment!
My sidewalk ( is left)
your sidewalk (is right) and not far down the street, is a fort. A pile of shells/sand/stones that my preteen has been stacking. She ran back and forth 'til
Fri. when at the last minute- guess who kicked the structure down?! AGAIN.
I need to find a friend who does not kick down 'dreams.' and
I need to stop the insanity...
or find a more realistic way to make it happen.
Every day is not a Doris Day.
ReplyDelete"All of these were reminders to me that my problems are really balanced with many blessings."
ReplyDeleteI love that.
Syd, your blogs are a wonderful reminder to me to not make anyone else my higher power and that I know what to do all the time, but sometimes I forget.
ReplyDeleteAhhh Syd - - - A very tender and poignant post was this, for sure! I cannot really offer any comment on it, as it has brought tears of understanding, compassion, and hope that each passing moment will change, and a Higher Power is always there to hold on to!
ReplyDeleteLove and a giant hug,
Anonymous #1
My only real relationship is with my higher power, it may change but in this time and space it is the truth.
ReplyDeleteWhen I feel like the old HP is too busy I start singing to Him the song, "No Reply" by Phil Collins. lol. Glad you got back on track.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are feeling better about things, Syd.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved.
hugs
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how the answers come when we cease fighting everything and everyone. This program surely gives us tools for living....
ReplyDeleteLove the very last sentence here - it is truely amazing how things can work out if we allow them to.
ReplyDeleteHi Syd,
ReplyDeleteI do that same thing, fall back into old behavior without realizing I may have expectations of someone. Letting go of the expectations as soon as I realize it helps me to refocus on where I am exactly and work on my own stuff.
Wow. Great post. Nothing I could possibly add. You said it all so beautifully. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThe faith that everything will be alright is so valuable to me today...
ReplyDeleteI too worry, fret, project but eventually I always come back to that place of faith.
I continue to attend meetings to cultivate and maintain that simple faith.