I have heard my sponsor say that when things are most chaotic, then God must be busy. I am hoping that is true. Certainly, when I am in the midst of some kind of chaotic events in my life, I need to remember that I don't have all the answers. In fact, there may not be any humanly conceived answers to what is going on.
Last evening, I felt for the first time in years a deep sadness filling me. It reminded me of the early days in the program when I felt so lost and unsure. I knew that I had built up some expectations in an individual and had been let down. That isn't a surprise because this has happened before with this friend. The difference was that I forgot the pain of what those expectations can do. I expected to be treated as I treat others.
So I went to sleep saying the Serenity Prayer over and over. And this morning, I realized that by shifting the focus back to myself and lowering my expectations, I could get back on track. I had momentarily made the other person my Higher Power.
Tonight I spent some time meditating before the meeting. It was a beautiful evening, and I walked from statue to statue at various spots around the church where we meet.
And finally on the way home, I saw a huge rainbow arched across the sky. All of these were reminders to me that my problems are really balanced with many blessings. When life seems most out of control or when things appear to be falling apart, that's the time that I connect most with my Higher Power. I had a good meeting, talked with my sponsor, understood that being a hostile martyr does no one any favors, and let go of my expectations.
Amazing how the deepest despair can't withstand the sunlight of the spirit.