"Unmindful of his welfare, I thought only of recapturing the spirit of other days." from Bill's Story, Alcoholics Anonymous
I don't know what made me think of this quote today but for some reason I was thinking of how often I have either been unmindful of the welfare of others or of my own welfare. I used to not be very mindful of my own welfare. I would often give up things that I wanted to do because C. didn't want to do them. I put myself in bad situations because C. wanted to drink, and I thought that I needed to take care of her. I never thought about what I wanted to do.
And eventually the stress got to me. Even before we were married, there were times when I felt that I couldn't take anymore unfullfilled promises, bad behavior, and unreliability. And later, after being married, I realized that I was still not mindful of my welfare. But the balance had begun to shift where I was not being mindful of her welfare either.
I had slipped over to trying to control through anger, self-pity, and stony silences. I was not only damaging her but was eroding away our relationship. It is incredible the lengths that I went to because of alcoholism. And no where did I have in mind what was good for me or others.
It wasn't until getting into recovery that I began to not only think about my welfare but the welfare of those around me. The harm that is done to others because of my insecurities and fears can be as great as the harm done to me by the alcoholic. I am grateful for a chance to be mindful of a lot of things today, including God's will for me.