I wrote this thinking about a particularly bad evening. There were a lot of ugly insults hurled back and forth. But in the end, I couldn't beat the alcoholic at her game. I learned that alcoholism "victimizes the victims". Yet, after a night of crazy thinking, I awoke to realize that there is a new day and a solution.
I am slow to anger and you flail me with your angry words.
I can accept responsibility for my wrongs and you want me to be responsible for yours as well as mine.
I have let go of my resentments through an amends to you. You throw your resentment back in my face over and over. And resent me because of something that you did.
I want there to be trust and honesty. You keep secrets and hide so much from me.
I have wanted happiness and good times. You say that I have made your life miserable for many years.
I have a hard time forgetting the harsh words said in anger. You sleep peacefully and awake in the morning as if nothing has happened.
I am weary and tired of the charade. It has taken its toll on my heart and my mental health. I have decided that the best thing to do is to let you go your own way. I don't want to have you pull me closer and then push me away. I am not ready to give in to your truths that aren't really true at all. I am not going to be a victim in order for you to feel good about yourself.
This is what I think alcoholism does. It beats down the psyche if I let it. It has the ability to warp my reality if I come to believe the reality that you speak. It can make me feel less than, smaller than, and sicker than any one else if I'm not careful. I am looking for a solution and a Higher Power that is much stronger than you. It is within me and it is something that you can't kill.