I am slow to anger and you flail me with your angry words.
I can accept responsibility for my wrongs and you want me to be responsible for yours as well as mine.
I have let go of my resentments through an amends to you. You throw your resentment back in my face over and over. And resent me because of something that you did.
I want there to be trust and honesty. You keep secrets and hide so much from me.
I have wanted happiness and good times. You say that I have made your life miserable for many years.
I have a hard time forgetting the harsh words said in anger. You sleep peacefully and awake in the morning as if nothing has happened.
I am weary and tired of the charade. It has taken its toll on my heart and my mental health. I have decided that the best thing to do is to let you go your own way. I don't want to have you pull me closer and then push me away. I am not ready to give in to your truths that aren't really true at all. I am not going to be a victim in order for you to feel good about yourself.
This is what I think alcoholism does. It beats down the psyche if I let it. It has the ability to warp my reality if I come to believe the reality that you speak. It can make me feel less than, smaller than, and sicker than any one else if I'm not careful. I am looking for a solution and a Higher Power that is much stronger than you. It is within me and it is something that you can't kill.
I think it takes so much strength to hold on to our own sanity when we are in relationships like this. Constant work. But also so many rewards and successes. I hope you are doing well.
ReplyDeletebrilliant syd...even down to the picture..and it goes even beyond alcoholism...there is a lot that can color your thinking twisting truths to your own ends..
ReplyDeleteSyd, this is beautifully done. It is the situation, the feelings touched on that anyone who has loved an alcoholic can atest to.
ReplyDeleteReally well written stuff.
A painful read, only because it describes what I've felt and experienced so often.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this, Syd, and for all your writings.
I've been reading you via another blog for a while. It is so sweet and calming every time I read your posts. Not this one - this one went to the bone...and begs the rhetorical question, 'when do you know if the rewards no longer justify the pain?' You give me great hope, but I can't stop wondering....
ReplyDeleteThe last couple of months I was attending Alanon, trying to come to grips that perhaps I was in the wrong program, I started to hear the sharing in a new way.
ReplyDeleteWhen I fist joined, it was because of my struggles with a child, and the sharing of others echoed what I was going through.
Near the end, I could hear my partners story when other wifes shared their story. I could feel how much my addictions hurt her, just as these others were hurt.
What you shared today was a great reminder of where I came from and where I can still go to in my own alcoholism.
Thank you.
Makes me wonder if a good friend of mine is an alcoholic. Very sobering post.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Thanks Syd
ReplyDeleteI have grown so much in the rooms. In the past I didn't know what was wrong and why I felt the way I did.
All my feelings were fractured from being raised in an alcoholic environment. With the help of the program more feelings came back to me slowly very slowly...
It works if I work it
I am so grateful that my husband and I are generally and mostly respectful of each other. That is a huge blessing in my life.
ReplyDeleteI think that you Al-Anons must be made of special stuff. I could not imagine living with an active alcoholic. I don't know how my husband stayed with me ... and, as thankful as I am that he did, I don't think I could have done the same. I will forever regret the fact that he passed away in my first 14 months of sobriety and he missed the wonderful 20+ years that have followed and that he helped to bring about by a family intervention.
ReplyDeleteI hope tomorrow is a better day. I am glad you know that we do not have to take offense when someone offers to offend us!
ReplyDeleteI needed this so bad tonight. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI have lived just as you described. Thank God we have found a program that allows us to escape this destructive life style and find happiness, joy and freedom.
ReplyDeletePG
My husband could have written this post. I am so grateful we have been given time for this pattern to change. He wouldn't put up with it anymore and I have lost my desire to dish it out.
ReplyDeletei love your thought process. it is so admirable. mine leaves something to be desired
ReplyDeleteExcellent dialogue that doesn't just apply to alcoholism. I might copy this and send it to a friend who is involved with someone that is hurting her.
ReplyDeleteI am amazed at how much I put into God's hands now. Some things seem impossible to fix. I love seeing the creative ways he resolves them for me.
So grateful to you for blogging, Syd. I love coming here.
~T~
So powerful Syd -- I've been on both sides and the wounds are still there, those I inflicted and the suffering inflicted on me.
ReplyDeleteYet the healing is slow but sure --
I felt this so often and was convinced everything was my fault. Thanks for giving me some words to discribe my pain. I'm glad I have finally come into this program and found a path to begin healing.
ReplyDeleteJust saying hello, Syd. Your words here ring very true.
ReplyDeleteOnly you can make yourself feel something. If you believe what someone else is telling you, you are buying into their agenda, and in the case of an alcoholic, their agenda is the only thing that matters... Excellent post!
ReplyDeleteAs you know I struggle with all of this...even though I'm not in a relationship now. Thought provoking words, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAs a kindred spirit Al-Anon(er)(ite.?)...once quoted another as saying.."I have turned myself inside out for my A and he didn't care for that side of me either"...what we do to be accepted by our loved ones at times still amazes and also shames me..things got so bad in our marriage that I didn't recognize or much care for the person that I became... now thanks to time and Al-Anon...I am beginning a new "likeable" friendship with myself.
ReplyDeleteSyd, truly, the words you have written (spoken) here, are eloquent and evocative of a whole range of emotion. I could hear the words echo in my heart. I don't have an alcoholic in my life, but for the echo of a grandfather, the father my mom lost at eight years old. Today your words are the words that speak for my heavy heart; I fear I can only choose "divorce" and ask my HP for peace.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. I've felt like I've been rowing around a large jungle beast, too.
ReplyDelete