A conversation that I had

This is a conversation that I had the other day with a double winner (an alcoholic who also goes to Al-Anon) in the program.  He and I were talking about how the minds of alcoholics/addicts are so different from that of the non-alcoholic.  So we did a little role playing which is something he does with his sponsees who are in Al-Anon to get them to see how the alcoholic thinks.  In the role playing A is the alcoholic and M is me.  I came away feeling that the energy vampire had sucked the air right out of me.  Maybe after reading this, you will see why. 

A: I really want you to be with me and I do appreciate all that you do for me.  I love you for that, but because you have so much power over me, I hate you as well.

M: But how can there be hate and love combined?  It doesn't seem that these two strong emotions can actually co-exist. And how could you hate me? I have always been there for you.

A. They exist for me because I don't want to lose you.  You provide me with the things that I need. I don't want to do for myself and realize that without your being here, I would have to get a job, take responsibility, pay bills, and get honest.  When you do things for me,  it reminds me that I don't want to do for myself and I feel bad.  I resent all that you do.  And that makes me come to hate you for doing things for me.

M. So you are saying that I need to let you go and leave you to your own devices?

A.  That is what you should do but you won't.  I only have to crook my finger,  say a few things about what a pathetic victim I am and you will come running to help me.  Then I have you hooked again, just like a fish on the line.  And that is how I keep you hooked.  But by continuing to do for me, you are actually killing me.  And making me resent you more.

M. So if I don't fall for your self-pity, your whining, your manipulations and let you be, what will you do?

A. I will immediately begin to look for someone else that I can dupe into helping me.  There are hundreds of loyal and committed people out there.  I will look around and find one just like you and begin to use him just as I have you.  You are a dime a dozen.

M. So what we have together would simply vanish?  None of the past would matter.

A. I might feel some regrets, but I have to survive and the only way that I can do that is to find another person who is willing to be there for me.  I simply move on to hook in the next person and the next person after that.  I don't want to take any responsibility and why should I when you take it all.

M. Can any of this change? Is there any hope?

A. There is hope but it would require that I become honest and I am constitutionally incapable of that.  I have no conscience when it comes to getting what I need.  And you have no ability to understand how I think, so don't even try.  You will never beat me at my game because I don't care about your goodness and what you do.  I only care about getting what I need.

M. This really makes me feel sad and sick inside.  I know these things in my heart but hearing them put so brutally is hard.

A. Try being me sometime.  I want to be like you but can't make a move to do anything for myself. I am afraid to ask for help,  I am afraid to get a sponsor,  I won't work the steps because I would have to look at myself.  No one will hire me for a job because I have no skills.  My circle of friends is getting smaller.  The meetings I go to aren't the way that I want them to be.  Nothing is the way that I want it to be.  So I simply wait for you to come along and take care of things for me.

M. I don't think that I can live with so much self-hate and negativity.

A. Then why do you stay?  You would do us both a favor if you would just go.

After I had this conversation, I physically felt shaken.  This is how the non-recovering alcoholic thinks.  And this is the way that I not only kill him but also slowly kill my own spirit.  Heavy, really heavy stuff.