Distorted thinking

I seem to be posting a lot of heavy stuff this week.  I do plan to lighten up for the weekend. Yesterday's post brought about some good comments.  I want to address one by Mary LA who wrote: "But what about the distorted thinking and voice of the codependent who is obsessed with that alcoholism? That makes me equally chilled. Those who don't want the alcoholic/addict to get better."

I think that co-dependency is something that starts at a very young age.  It probably starts with repression of feelings in which a child has to "walk on egg shells" around a dysfunctional family member.  For me, that was my dad.  My mother covered up and denied there was anything wrong. So there was really not much honesty in feelings or trust within the family.  Everything seemed to be "swept under the rug."

Consequently, the stress mounts and the child learns to be anxious.  And along with the stress and anxiety, some unhealthy ways of survival are learned.  One of those ways to survive is to deny one's own feelings.  So instead of basing self-worth on my own feelings and actions, I began to base my self-worth on the opinions, needs, and moods of the person I wanted to please.  In my case, it was my father. 

As Mary noted in her comment, the co-dependent person may actually feel more depressed and unhappy once the alcoholic is sober.  I think here of Lois who was so angry that Bill W. was attending AA meetings. She finally threw her shoe at him in a fit of rage and yelled, "Damn your old meetings." 

This type of crazy thinking, fueled by anger, was what got me into Al-Anon.  I knew that I was angry, empty, worn out, and emotionally bankrupt.  I was using very unhealthy thinking to relate to other people.  These included:

Denial--I deny my own needs and feelings at the expense of others.  I don't know what I feel and can change or minimize my feelings in an instant.  I can be who you want me to be.   

Low Self Esteem-- What you think of me is more important than what I think of myself.  I don't feel worthwhile or lovable.  I am afraid to say what I want to do because it may not be what you want. I judge myself fiercely and come up short.  I feel undeserving of compliments and nice gestures. I give sex when looking for love.  I am loyal to the point that I stay in destructive relationships.  I don't assert my own values because I want to avoid the anger and rejection of others.  I am overly sensitive to what others feel and adopt their mood as my own.

Control-- I resent it when my offers to help you are refused.  I use sex to get your acceptance and love. I offer suggestions and advice without being asked.  I have a need to feel needed before I can have a relationship. I go overboard with gifts and help for those I care about, thinking that the gift will extract a promise from you.  I think that others aren't capable of taking care of themselves.  I tell others how they should think and feel.  I offer suggestions and advice without being asked.

So the distorted thinking of the co-dependent in the relationship is very sick.  The behaviors that are adopted from living around alcoholism are self-defeating and hurtful.  We learn not to feel, not to express our opinions, and not to trust. It is only if we are lucky enough to get to such a low point that we are isolated, feel unloved and alone, then there is a chance that we will seek help through a 12 step program such as Al-Anon or ACOA.  If it hadn't been for my wife's alcoholism and my own sickness, as well as God's grace, I would still be a walking shell.  I am grateful to be where I am today--in recovery and still moving forward with a deepening understanding of myself and my Higher Power.