Thursday, August 12, 2010

healthy boundaries

The topic in today's meeting was boundaries.  This is a good topic for me because I didn't learn what boundaries were until I came to Al-Anon.  I had boundaries with my work and professional life,  but in relationships, I didn't have a clue.

My lack of boundaries was evident from the amount of time and emotional energy I put into relationships. I was willing to sacrifice a lot and give much more than I got. That's definitely not a good thing and indicates my lack of boundaries. I basically let myself experience feelings of caring and love towards a very needy person who was an alcoholic. By not keeping any semblance of a boundary, I lost my own identity by giving so much of myself.

Probably my biggest lack of a boundary came from having an image of the way the perfect relationship is supposed to be. It was a fantasy, yet reality was far from pretty. This resulted in my giving, with the hope of having the fantasy become reality, but it never did. I had a belief that I couldn't fail and if I persisted, all would be okay.  So I would keep pushing, hoping to make what I wanted to happen come true. My motivation was fairly simple:  I was terrified of being rejected and abandoned.

Through the Al-Anon program and some hard hitting advice from a close AA friend, I've learned that healthy boundaries will allow me
to focus on myself, my own needs, and my personal integrity in relationships. By having boundaries, I'm able to have energy to focus on all aspects of my life instead of focusing on one person. I've also learned that I can't have a healthy relationship with my partner if I'm trying to fix or take care of them.

When dealing with those that I care about, I have to work at healthy intimacy but not over-dependency. I've been guilty of being dependent on another and thinking that I needed them in order to feel fulfilled and happy. By focusing on myself and respecting the boundaries of others, I have become more independent and have accepted responsibility for my own happiness. I can't get that from others. I've also learned that I need to be based in reality and accept my relationships for the way they are rather than the way that I want them to be.


One of the issues that I hear a lot when it comes to the alcoholic is that fear of letting go of the control in a relationship stems from thinking that the alcoholic will drink if their needs aren't met by another. This is particularly hard when the alcoholic makes a threat to do something to themselves if boundaries are established. 

Fear makes it hard to establish boundaries because you've become a hostage to someone who is needy, helpless and manipulative. This is where Step One is so important because we cannot control or determine the outcome of the life of anyone else no matter how hard we try. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to the HP. Then, I can hope that the alcoholic accepts personal responsibility for their own life and the consequences of their own actions and decisions.

16 comments:

  1. This is very well said and there is a lot of truth to it.

    My husband is now chronically ill. How do I establish boundaries with a person who is chronically ill? We are not talking about alcoholism now. Is it even appropriate to think about boundaries when a spouse is in poor health? There are similarities because even though there is not much choice in a serious illness it can still be exhausting and emotionally charged for the loved ones.

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  2. this is one of the biggest things i have to work with the parents and kids that i counsel...and that i had to learn myself...

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  3. I have made a decision to back away from some of my personal commitments for a time. I felt like I just had to step back and feel free to take care of myself and focus on work. It is good because I actually have some work to focus on. It felt strange having no plans at first but then it seemed like freedom. I just don't feel like socializing and things are quiet in my head. I forget that I can choose to do what I need to be healthy.

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  4. The first time my hubby mentioned boundaries to me it frosted my buns. I did not care for it at all. I was not working on my own recovery yet and I thought it was just his way of putting me off, keeping some distance and it "hurt my feelings". But when I started working on the steps in my own program I could see the way knowing and respecting boundaries was helping me get healthy. I understand what you mention losing your own identity, that happened to me for a few years.

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  5. Ugh! This is exactly what I needed to read today. I have such a tough time with this. I started a box where I put my prayers into for my HP to take care of, but still feel like I am telling him what I want, not asking. The prayers relate to my lack of boundries.... Thanks for your post.

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  6. Healthy boundaries were one of the hardest to establish for me as an early recovering co-dependent.But as sure as the healing process began to take form.So to did healthy boundaries.And now those boundaries are paramount to keeping my recovering journey growing.In fact,
    I have learned they can be quite sexy too.Great post,Syd.
    As usual ;)

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  7. And...riffing on something I realized this week...when we have established boundaries and when we are able to step back and say "no," when we do give, when we do say yes because we want to, truly and fully, the giving is far more real and far more helpful in the true sense of the word, and is a joy to us and not a burden.

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  8. Man I know a lot of people who need to read this.

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  9. i am grateful for my boundaries today

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  10. I wish I'd known a long time ago about boundaries...especially in how they affect relationships.
    I truly lost my identity for many years (drinking years) when I thought I was "sacrificing" myself for the good of husband and children...and was really depending on them to make me whole.

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  11. I find boundaries to be hard to set, but absolutely necessary and I am healthier when I do it.

    PG

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  12. Well, Syd, you have once again so completely crystallized my thoughts that I have to quote and link you.

    Do you have a wire tap on my brain or is this control disease just that similar in its victims??

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  13. Syd, I am so thankful for you and this post today.

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  14. I have to take care of my own needs before I can be useful in any situation. Setting boundaries was hard fro me. I though making everything run smoothly for the whole world was my job. It is always appropriate to set boundaries, even with someone who is terminally ill. Seek information about getting "Respite Care" for the person who is ill, from friends or professionals. Take the time you need to take care of yourself.

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  15. Syd, you're telling my tale as far as how I've struggled in relationships, knowing what and how to do (or not...)

    Thanks for this read :-)

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.