Monday, August 23, 2010

Learning to listen

Listening is one of the things that now comes easy to me. I'd rather listen to someone else talk than to be the center of attention myself.  That has been the case for most of my life.  I think part of it is being an introvert and maybe part of it is not feeling adequate to withstand the scrutiny in a group.  But if I can simply be one on one with another person, then I don't mind talking and sharing. 

Sharing at Al-Anon meetings has been sometimes easy and sometimes difficult for me.  I used to dread having to share because I felt that I didn't have anything but pain to offer.  Now I see the solutions more clearly.  And I try to stick to the topic so that I don't ramble. I like to get to the point and not be repetitive but simply state what comes from my heart. But being at a meeting isn't so much about what I say but what I get from others who share their E, S, and H. 

There have been many times though that I didn't want to listen to anyone.  I didn't want to listen to my father when I was a teenager.  I thought that I knew best and was sure in my stance and stubborn as a mule.  And there are still subjects that evoke passionate opinions from me, such as politics and conservation ethics.  

With the alcoholic,  I actually listened to the drunken self pity and the morning after apologies.  What I really wanted was to shut out the slurred words and the philosophical meanderings of a drunken mind. Now I've come to realize that it would have been best if I'd not listened to any of that or tried to argue back or even tried to make sense by offering rational advice.  I don't believe that there was anything that I could have said that would have made much of a difference at the time. It was just another way that I was going to try to control an unmanageable situation.

I've learned to trust my inner voice and to listen to it.  When that inner voice tells me that something isn't right, I listen and don't ignore it.  If it tells me to remove myself from an unacceptable situation, then I pay close attention.  If it tells me to keep my mouth shut and sit tight, then I inventory the situation and make a decision.

Listening is a powerful part of the program.  Sometimes by just keeping quiet,  the answers that I seek become clear.

16 comments:

  1. I used to hate talking about myself. I would much rather listen because the more I listened the more I could find out about you and behave in a way that would make you like me. Al-Anon taught me how to get to know myself so that I no longer have to look to other people's opinions of me to define who I am. What a gift!

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  2. Listening is a great thing to do as well as hearing the message that is being give.

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  3. I was "listening" as I was reading. Excellent advice.

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  4. "Sit down, shut up and listen"
    We have people who are 'good at sharing'.
    Once in a while the point, or a point gets missed- then it is our job to speak up.

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  5. I'm learning that listening is work. At times it takes a lot for me not to comment or do something. However, like you, I'm also learning that answers have a way of coming to me when I am simply and quietly - listening.

    Thanks for another great post.

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  6. like you. i am much more comfortable listening, although my husband may say the opposite. :)

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  7. I really like that you describe trying to control an unmanageable situation. I think that is the true way to see how we would argue and blame and show anger to someone who is not paying any attention at all.

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  8. many times i have found my answers best by just being quiet and listening....can so relate to this one syd...

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  9. Practicing the 11th step on a daily basis has allowed me not only to listen, but also to hear... thanks, Syd.

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  10. There is an art to listening. Knowing when, and how to speak is also a skill that is learned. I used to speak more, probably nerves, or uncertainty. Now at meetings I speak when I feel I can contribute to the conversation. I like you have gotten many answers by listening.....

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  11. When I learned to stop thinking "Yes, but..." and really begin to listen, then I started to hear the wisdom of program. Thanks for this, Syd.

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  12. So true. Being a sponsor helped me learn to listen. I am naturally kind of a me, me, me type of person, so that was really good for me!

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  13. "Learn to listen ... and listen to learn". I heard that early on & it's made a big difference for me.

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  14. Listening... what a beautiful post. Very timely for where I am right now...

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  15. I love to talk lol so listening comes as a challenge to me at times. It's very good for me to sit through a meeting without commenting. I am much better at that than I used to be. I learn so much more from listening than I do from talking lol. Imagine that!

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Let me know what you think. I like reading what you have to say.