Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Dark and stormy night

When I awoke this morning, it was about 70 F and very humid.  The wind was already gusting on the water. Leaves were falling and twirling off the trees.  The rain started coming down around noon, blowing sideways against the windows.

Tonight is supposed to be stormy here.  A dark and stormy night.  I went to the 7 PM meeting where we discussed Fear.  Good topic for a dark and stormy night.  I have never felt much physical fear for myself.  But the fear I have for losing those that I love has been strong for a long time.  It came when I was around 5 years old and my father had been in an auto accident.  Drinking and losing control of the vehicle, he broke an arm.  I remember the fear that I felt that night because he was hurt.  I thought that he would die.  He didn't.

The fear of losing my wife to drinking, to the abyss of alcoholism was real.  I thought that if she would die, so would I.  That was the co-dependency of my disease.  She was my Higher Power,  but Fear was fueling the internal chaos in my head.  I overcame that fear by understanding that I could not control what she did.  I could have a Higher Power that was not of human form, with human defects.  I could believe that no matter what I did, there was a bigger plan for those I love.

So far so good.  I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay.  I will deal with living and dying.  I may hurt and may grieve but my fear won't kill me.  I have a defense in knowing that I can turn my cares over to a power greater than me, to a God of my understanding.  As long as I remember that,  I am peaceful and restored to sanity. 

Now I'm going to shut down the computer and head to bed.  I am feeling a bit under the weather.  Not sure if it is the cycling of warm and cold temperatures, a cold bug, or just fatigue.  It may be a dark and stormy night, but tomorrow the sun will come up.  I will be okay---regardless.


  1. sleep tight!we had some rainy weather here. it's getting colder as well after a high of 57,we are supposted to get some snow wed into thurs.

  2. Feel better and stay warm and dry.

  3. Not being in recovery from anything I don't know what steps 2 & 3 are but I do know that fear is a fools game and a door for the darkness of a brooding mind focusing only on the negative.

    Not my idea of a way to live. Lose your personal fear of death and the rest of the fears slough off like leaves from an untended house plant.

  4. I've been alternately resting and fighting through a cold myself.

    Your post really is an inspired read for me today, as I continue to grow in understanding in the relationships I have, I find that surrounding myself with fellows who reflect the principles of Alanon and AA continues to provide me a greater understanding, great experiences to learn from and tools that become useful as we walk the road together. :)

    Thanks Syd!

  5. i hope you feel better this morning...and this one hit home for me today and some of the things i am currently going through...

  6. I hope last night's storm washed your world as clean and clear as ours did last night.

  7. When I found the rooms of AA and learned that my own fear ruled my behavior and was the source of my misery, I felt like a door opened in my prison. No longer was I a victim at the mercy of other people's behavior. I was suddenly given a choice.
    The acronyms for FEAR helped to simplify my choice: F*** Everything And Run, or Face Everything And Recover. The 12x12 book helped too, explaining that fear arose from one of two sources: that I would lose something I treasured, or that I would not get something I wanted.

    Then the program and the process of doing the 12 steps gave me a Higher Power who could be trusted with my fears. Whatever I needed...hope, strength, reassurance, whatever...my Higher Power would generously supply if only I asked and took the next right indicated actions.

    And I never had to do anything alone. What a great gift of the fellowship that is! All I had to do was tell on myself. When I was afraid, people in the rooms held me up. When I was anxious, they made me laugh. When I was lonely and self-pitying, they gave me opportunities to get out of my head. When I had dark and stormy nights, they gave me phone numbers and told me to call.

    It's a miraculous program, and it has never failed me. It hasn't failed you. When we share these triumphs with each other, we serve as God's messengers, offering hope to people who need it and helping them to open their own prison doors.

  8. I never had that feeling that "eveything will be OK" until I came in to AA. As I grow older it becomes stronger and stronger & I no longer fear death.
    I'm about 4 1/2 hours north/west of you and our night was weird too.

  9. We had that storm system come through last night with all the dire watches and warning. After being through Hurricane Fran, I can live through a few storms. It's all perspective for me. Am glad you are hunkering down. Hope you are feeling better tomorrow.


  10. Hope you are feeling better today, Syd.



  11. I can relate to this post very well as a recovering codependent myself,Syd.Your sharing is comforting and supportive.Thank you.
    I hope you are feeling better soon..sometimes all it takes is a pot of homemade soup and a good nights sleep ;)

  12. We have nothing to fear but fear itself...I never understood that when I was younger, but now I do. Excellent post Syd, I am grateful for AA for taking the fear away and when I do encounter it from time to time I now can plunge forward and walk through it....

  13. Making my husband my HP was a set up for some horrible expectations that he could never meet.
    The program has helped me wake up
    to my disease.
    Hope you feel better. I have a cold and find sleep really mends the body.


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