Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Dark and stormy night
Tonight is supposed to be stormy here. A dark and stormy night. I went to the 7 PM meeting where we discussed Fear. Good topic for a dark and stormy night. I have never felt much physical fear for myself. But the fear I have for losing those that I love has been strong for a long time. It came when I was around 5 years old and my father had been in an auto accident. Drinking and losing control of the vehicle, he broke an arm. I remember the fear that I felt that night because he was hurt. I thought that he would die. He didn't.
The fear of losing my wife to drinking, to the abyss of alcoholism was real. I thought that if she would die, so would I. That was the co-dependency of my disease. She was my Higher Power, but Fear was fueling the internal chaos in my head. I overcame that fear by understanding that I could not control what she did. I could have a Higher Power that was not of human form, with human defects. I could believe that no matter what I did, there was a bigger plan for those I love.
So far so good. I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay. I will deal with living and dying. I may hurt and may grieve but my fear won't kill me. I have a defense in knowing that I can turn my cares over to a power greater than me, to a God of my understanding. As long as I remember that, I am peaceful and restored to sanity.
Now I'm going to shut down the computer and head to bed. I am feeling a bit under the weather. Not sure if it is the cycling of warm and cold temperatures, a cold bug, or just fatigue. It may be a dark and stormy night, but tomorrow the sun will come up. I will be okay---regardless.